Feedback for my webnovel "Kikai Unmei"

[PinkLemon]

I changed my novel to fit the Webnovel format a little better. I'm looking for feedbacks and advices for the future.
Any opinion and feedback will be appreciated.

Kikai Unmei

Kikai, a supernatural ability granted at birth, meant to guide humans toward their deepest ambition. Harumaki Yuuki, a young man with an emotionless face, has a simple ambition: to find Marie, the girl destiny tore away from him. The path to that miracle runs through one thing: winning the...

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[Natsummer]

Chaotic but It's okay, I can't say much with only one chapter available.

I like your choice of the title, it has some deep meaning, but... I haven't felt the story connection with the title yet. It's not matching with the content currently. I hope to see the depth of your writing if that is your intention.

The heavy use of LLM made the story a mess midway and difficult to read. Some parts don't even make any sense, and they're confusing. Also, the pacing of the story is extremely uneven, the narrative lacks focus and wanders off. It's hard to follow. Character introductions are plain, and the interactions are distant. As the story continues, they are further away. Why should I care ? Why are the characters important ? One of the major issues would be the dialogue. They lack clarity and are unnatural... It could be LLM, very robotic and dry. Since you're writing a Japanese narrative-style novel, I assume you understood Show vs Tell ? The writing completely lacks depth. The plot relies heavily on tropes; nothing interesting so far. Strong protagonist, confident sidekick.

Most issues stem from LLM usage, the novel needs a lot of correction and work. The title is good though. I might continue if you promise a re-write.
Keep up.

 

[PinkLemon]

Chaotic but It's okay, I can't say much with only one chapter available.

Chaotic in what sense? Like the events or the narration?

I like your choice of the title, it has some deep meaning, but... I haven't felt the story connection with the title yet. It's not matching with the content currently. I hope to see the depth of your writing if that is your intention.

I see what you mean. I mean it's still the first chapter and it is supposed to be a really long novel (at least 100+ chapters) but maybe I should tease what it implied.

he heavy use of LLM made the story a mess midway and difficult to read. Some parts don't even make any sense, and they're confusing. Also, the pacing of the story is extremely uneven, the narrative lacks focus and wanders off. It's hard to follow.

I understand, I tend to use LLM or translators sometimes. I'm still new to writing in english since it's not my first language (I'm also dogshit in french though) I will do my best to improve and use my own brain. I re-read the chapter and you were right, sometimes, I just told things as I imagined them in my head but it turned out awkward. I will work on that. About the pacing, I'm sad because it was on purpose. In the first draft of my novel, I wanted the first chapter to be calm set the scenery. But then it turned out quite long and boring. My second idea was to introduce my other character (Hinata Ryûko) briefly in the beginning with a "dynamic" scene and later introduce the scenery later to Yuuki's calmness and with a light silce of life like pacing. But I failed. Do you have advice on what I could change about it?

Character introductions are plain, and the interactions are distant. As the story continues, they are further away. Why should I care ? Why are the characters important ? One of the major issues would be the dialogue.

I see... It's an issue on how I write. I will work hard to change that.

Since you're writing a Japanese narrative-style novel, I assume you understood Show vs Tell ?

I'm not sure I quit understood, each time I try to “show” more, I end up “telling” less, and vice versa. Sometimes I don't do either. I'm glad to be reminded of this every time, because it means I still have a lot of progress to make.

The writing completely lacks depth. The plot relies heavily on tropes; nothing interesting so far. Strong protagonist, confident sidekick.

Yes, I see what you mean. I mean it's my novel I know what happens next and from my view, the characters' tropes are just a facade. But from what you told me and other reviews I got from my friends, the characters were just clichés after clichés. And I hate it because it's objectively true... I'm scared of showing too much and making the chapter too long but it's not an excuse. The more I think about it, the more I get the feeling that my draft is just shitty. I always saw the beginning more or less like this but maybe it's just bad. I have a lot of effort to put in to change that.

Thanks a lot for your feedback! I will keep trying my hardest!!

 

[Natsummer]

I see what you mean. I mean it's still the first chapter and it is supposed to be a really long novel (at least 100+ chapters) but maybe I should tease what it implied.

Yes! I think it would be better if you foreshadow or tease about the meaning behind the words. It would significantly made the story more interesting!! Since it is a very deep word in linguistic aspect

I understand, I tend to use LLM or translators sometimes. I'm still new to writing in english since it's not my first language (I'm also dogshit in french though) I will do my best to improve and use my own brain. I re-read the chapter and you were right, sometimes, I just told things as I imagined them in my head but it turned out awkward. I will work on that. About the pacing, I'm sad because it was on purpose. In the first draft of my novel, I wanted the first chapter to be calm set the scenery. But then it turned out quite long and boring. My second idea was to introduce my other character (Hinata Ryûko) briefly in the beginning with a "dynamic" scene and later introduce the scenery later to Yuuki's calmness and with a light silce of life like pacing. But I failed. Do you have advice on what I could change about it?

In general speaking, characters appear with a reason and purpose. Think about what you want to deliver to readers. You may introduce more characters if they serve the purpose well, number is not an issue (Not 10 characters...but you get what I meant)

Keep up!

 

[wen1271934079]

"Hey, your story looks interesting! I'd love to swap reviews. Here is the link to my novel: Star Nexus: The Debtor | Scribble Hub

 

[PinkLemon]

"Hey, your story looks interesting! I'd love to swap reviews. Here is the link to my novel: Star Nexus: The Debtor | Scribble Hub

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I'm currently working on my novel but I will give it time this week end. However, I'm still a beginner so my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

[PinkLemon]

Tried another approach for my first chapters, I did my best to fit the webnovel style without betraying my writing style.

I felt like the narration was way simpler (too much sometimes) and I guess I like it better this way. Though it's still a bit long. It's so hard to convey what I want in short chapters, but it is what it is.

I'm still looking for reviews and advices to improve, if anyone has any, I'll gladly take them!

Kikai Unmei

Kikai, a supernatural ability granted at birth, meant to guide humans toward their deepest ambition. Harumaki Yuuki, a young man with an emotionless face, has a simple ambition: to find Marie, the girl destiny tore away from him. The path to that miracle runs through one thing: winning the...

www.scribblehub.com