Alkareel
Cuisses de Grenouille
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2020
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A little over 1200 words. I plan on maybe doing some rewrites on Land of Erden.
Below being the first chapter, does it keep your interest till the end? D'you think it could work?
I humbly ask for a bit of criticism.
- Age Ten – Urie Loeth -
—It's tomorrow. Tomorrow. Finally, it's tomorrow!
A cold feeling wrapped the tips of his fingers as he dragged them along the water's surface. His head rested on his left arm, a giddy smile could be seen peeking from his sleeve.
“Good day, little commander! Out for a stroll are we? You excited for tomorrow?” a passerby called out to him.
Comfortably kneeling in front of the fountain, he replied with a silence gesture, “Shh! I snuck out.”
The passerby glanced at his clothing. A loose dark suit that was very catching to the eye during daylight. The man hunched down and whispered with a smile, “I see. Then I'll not bother you any longer. Look forward to tomorrow's Harvest Festival, little commander!”
The man took leave with those words and he stood up to do the same. He clenched his right hand in front of him, and before taking a step outside of the city square, he glanced back at Erden's Tower.
—The Harvest Festival... I'll finally be able to use magic! Although...
“Will I be able to use magic..?” Urie's smile fell down briefly as he whispered in near inaudible tone. A sliver of anxiety creeping at the back of his head had caused him to utter such words.
“Mother, how is it that father and older brothers all got chosen by Undine?” a question he had once asked his beloved mother.
“Ah—Because they're all handsome!” she quickly answered with two thumbs held upward.
“Then, do you think she would choose me on the day of the Harvest Festival?”
His mother winced at his follow-up. Urie noticed the look of pained hesitation on her face and thought —Why didn't she give an immediate answer?
No no, it wasn't that he was unattractive. He knew full well that he had taken after the beauty of his mother. It was something else. He had tried to inquire further but his mother kept brushing the topic off so instead, he shifted the inquiry to his older brother.
“Big brother, how is it that father, you, and eldest brother were all chosen by Undine?”
“Because—Ah! We all didn't cry when we were born!”
Another two thumbs up. Urie sighed. Was that the case? He recalled his mother once vaguely telling him a story of how happy she was that he cried loudly when he was born.
Was that really the case? Did the greater spirit, Undine, prefer children who didn't cry?
—Nevermind. I shouldn't think about this now.
The day of the Harvest Festival was tomorrow and he had already built up so much excitement. He buried his anxiety, dashed through the busy streets without care, and allowed his feet to take charge of his destination.
With his clear, icy blue, he took in the view of the festivities' preparations, intrigued at how it all came together before the actual event. People left and right would spot him running by— an eager-looking young boy with ashen-grey hair, a tuft of it curiously pointing upwards.
Other than Urie's hair, people would also look with familiarity at his unusual clothing. It was what he wore whenever he snuck out of the house. Or rather, his mother had tricked him into wearing it so that the maid secretly following behind wouldn't lose sight of him.
“Ah! Sorr—”
Running haphazardly through the streets, although Urie carefully evaded adults, he still found his rear on the ground after colliding with a person at his level.
“Ya! You! Watch where you're going—ya!”
“Wah—“ Urie gasped.
She had a bob-cut and black hair. He was surprised since while he had stumbled, the girl still stood sturdily. He met with the glare of her chestnut-amber eyes right before she disappeared back into the crowd.
“I didn't get to apologize...” Urie stood and shrugged the dust off his pants. Right. He also had to watch out for other children. Surely he wasn't the only rambunctious child running about the day before the festival.
While looking around, he had come across a stall showcasing a few wooden statuettes. One in particular, the carving of a ferocious winged beast, had caused his eyes to glimmer and had drawn him over.
“Oh, little commander! You interested in a few wooden carvings?”
“I'm curious! What sort of magic creature is this, shopkeep? A mana beast?”
The carving was an imitation of an actual statue, one that stands at the middle of the square's fountain where he had rested earlier.
“Ho ho. Little commander, that's no mana beast. And as for what type of creature, I have no idea.”
A dark shade wiped the glimmer from his eyes after hearing the shopkeep's answer. He had already asked a number of people about the statue, but none seemed to possess the knowledge of what it was. Urie felt it an itch he had to scratch.
—He doesn't know either. Does father know what it is? I never had the chance to ask.
The longer it evaded his curiosity, the stronger the itch became.
“How about these other carvings, little commander? Are they to your fancy?”
Urie panned to the shopkeep's other wares, “The spirits?” he asked with one brow raised.
“Not just any! This is a carving of the spirit in charge of this year's festival!”
“Undine?” Urie inspected the statuette more closely.
Very few had ever seen the greater spirits up close so few only knew of their appearance. The depiction on the carving that the shopkeep had shown him, it appeared...
—Bland...
There were too few details on the carving that it appeared more like a small mannequin for clothing shops rather than a grandiose sculpture of an elemental spirit.
“I'll come back with mother some other time!” Urie passed on the carvings and gave the shopkeep his farewell. He then continued to survey the other festival preparations.
After he had gone, a winded young lady wearing a black dress, white apron, and a hairband approached the shopkeep's stall.
“Good day, little commander's shadow! Working hard eh?”
“Good day to you too, sir.” she returned the greeting and took out her purse, “Has the young master taken note of anything in the shop?” she asked.
“Well—“ the shopkeep seeing that the maid was already carrying a few bags decided to give her some advice, “When you say it like that, young miss, it'd be pretty easy to take advantage of you, y'know?”
… An hour later, at the front door of the Loeth residence, Urie Loeth met up with a very exhausted maid.
“Ah! Patty, you look tired. Where've you been?”
Looking at the various bags that Patty, the maid, was carrying— she must've gone shopping for groceries, Urie thought. He helped her with some of the paper bags and brought them into the house. When he'd taken a look inside the bags, he was amazed that almost half of what they contained were stuff he had looked on with interest during his stroll.
In the evening, he had dinner with his mother and fell sound asleep shortly after. The moon drew its arc slowly above the house, beckoning dawn's arrival. And when the morning finally shone, Urie Loeth woke up from his slumber in a very exhilarated mood.
“Today! Today's the day!” he loudly announced from his bed.
Today was the day for children ten years of age to awaken to magic.
It was the day of the Harvest Festival.
Below being the first chapter, does it keep your interest till the end? D'you think it could work?
I humbly ask for a bit of criticism.
- Age Ten – Urie Loeth -
—It's tomorrow. Tomorrow. Finally, it's tomorrow!
A cold feeling wrapped the tips of his fingers as he dragged them along the water's surface. His head rested on his left arm, a giddy smile could be seen peeking from his sleeve.
“Good day, little commander! Out for a stroll are we? You excited for tomorrow?” a passerby called out to him.
Comfortably kneeling in front of the fountain, he replied with a silence gesture, “Shh! I snuck out.”
The passerby glanced at his clothing. A loose dark suit that was very catching to the eye during daylight. The man hunched down and whispered with a smile, “I see. Then I'll not bother you any longer. Look forward to tomorrow's Harvest Festival, little commander!”
The man took leave with those words and he stood up to do the same. He clenched his right hand in front of him, and before taking a step outside of the city square, he glanced back at Erden's Tower.
—The Harvest Festival... I'll finally be able to use magic! Although...
“Will I be able to use magic..?” Urie's smile fell down briefly as he whispered in near inaudible tone. A sliver of anxiety creeping at the back of his head had caused him to utter such words.
“Mother, how is it that father and older brothers all got chosen by Undine?” a question he had once asked his beloved mother.
“Ah—Because they're all handsome!” she quickly answered with two thumbs held upward.
“Then, do you think she would choose me on the day of the Harvest Festival?”
His mother winced at his follow-up. Urie noticed the look of pained hesitation on her face and thought —Why didn't she give an immediate answer?
No no, it wasn't that he was unattractive. He knew full well that he had taken after the beauty of his mother. It was something else. He had tried to inquire further but his mother kept brushing the topic off so instead, he shifted the inquiry to his older brother.
“Big brother, how is it that father, you, and eldest brother were all chosen by Undine?”
“Because—Ah! We all didn't cry when we were born!”
Another two thumbs up. Urie sighed. Was that the case? He recalled his mother once vaguely telling him a story of how happy she was that he cried loudly when he was born.
Was that really the case? Did the greater spirit, Undine, prefer children who didn't cry?
—Nevermind. I shouldn't think about this now.
The day of the Harvest Festival was tomorrow and he had already built up so much excitement. He buried his anxiety, dashed through the busy streets without care, and allowed his feet to take charge of his destination.
With his clear, icy blue, he took in the view of the festivities' preparations, intrigued at how it all came together before the actual event. People left and right would spot him running by— an eager-looking young boy with ashen-grey hair, a tuft of it curiously pointing upwards.
Other than Urie's hair, people would also look with familiarity at his unusual clothing. It was what he wore whenever he snuck out of the house. Or rather, his mother had tricked him into wearing it so that the maid secretly following behind wouldn't lose sight of him.
“Ah! Sorr—”
Running haphazardly through the streets, although Urie carefully evaded adults, he still found his rear on the ground after colliding with a person at his level.
“Ya! You! Watch where you're going—ya!”
“Wah—“ Urie gasped.
She had a bob-cut and black hair. He was surprised since while he had stumbled, the girl still stood sturdily. He met with the glare of her chestnut-amber eyes right before she disappeared back into the crowd.
“I didn't get to apologize...” Urie stood and shrugged the dust off his pants. Right. He also had to watch out for other children. Surely he wasn't the only rambunctious child running about the day before the festival.
While looking around, he had come across a stall showcasing a few wooden statuettes. One in particular, the carving of a ferocious winged beast, had caused his eyes to glimmer and had drawn him over.
“Oh, little commander! You interested in a few wooden carvings?”
“I'm curious! What sort of magic creature is this, shopkeep? A mana beast?”
The carving was an imitation of an actual statue, one that stands at the middle of the square's fountain where he had rested earlier.
“Ho ho. Little commander, that's no mana beast. And as for what type of creature, I have no idea.”
A dark shade wiped the glimmer from his eyes after hearing the shopkeep's answer. He had already asked a number of people about the statue, but none seemed to possess the knowledge of what it was. Urie felt it an itch he had to scratch.
—He doesn't know either. Does father know what it is? I never had the chance to ask.
The longer it evaded his curiosity, the stronger the itch became.
“How about these other carvings, little commander? Are they to your fancy?”
Urie panned to the shopkeep's other wares, “The spirits?” he asked with one brow raised.
“Not just any! This is a carving of the spirit in charge of this year's festival!”
“Undine?” Urie inspected the statuette more closely.
Very few had ever seen the greater spirits up close so few only knew of their appearance. The depiction on the carving that the shopkeep had shown him, it appeared...
—Bland...
There were too few details on the carving that it appeared more like a small mannequin for clothing shops rather than a grandiose sculpture of an elemental spirit.
“I'll come back with mother some other time!” Urie passed on the carvings and gave the shopkeep his farewell. He then continued to survey the other festival preparations.
After he had gone, a winded young lady wearing a black dress, white apron, and a hairband approached the shopkeep's stall.
“Good day, little commander's shadow! Working hard eh?”
“Good day to you too, sir.” she returned the greeting and took out her purse, “Has the young master taken note of anything in the shop?” she asked.
“Well—“ the shopkeep seeing that the maid was already carrying a few bags decided to give her some advice, “When you say it like that, young miss, it'd be pretty easy to take advantage of you, y'know?”
… An hour later, at the front door of the Loeth residence, Urie Loeth met up with a very exhausted maid.
“Ah! Patty, you look tired. Where've you been?”
Looking at the various bags that Patty, the maid, was carrying— she must've gone shopping for groceries, Urie thought. He helped her with some of the paper bags and brought them into the house. When he'd taken a look inside the bags, he was amazed that almost half of what they contained were stuff he had looked on with interest during his stroll.
In the evening, he had dinner with his mother and fell sound asleep shortly after. The moon drew its arc slowly above the house, beckoning dawn's arrival. And when the morning finally shone, Urie Loeth woke up from his slumber in a very exhilarated mood.
“Today! Today's the day!” he loudly announced from his bed.
Today was the day for children ten years of age to awaken to magic.
It was the day of the Harvest Festival.
Last edited:
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