Description/Synopsis Feedback Needed!

[KoyukiMegumi]

It is better. definitely easier to read.

I would say for the synopsis you want to give a taste of what your novel is about. Not exactly describing it - but the emotions the reader would experience while reading it. So a thriller or a horror would probably go for an ominous synopsis. While a mystery one would be filled with questions. so on as so forth. It should also have some sort of a hook to lure new readers - something that readers would get curious about and want to start reading to satisfy that curiosity. ( Just as your 1st chapter should have the same a lot of readers won't read past it.)

As a hobbyist, most of this is confusing to me, but I will try! Thank you for your advice!

Still too wordy in my opinion. You don't need Lilith's life story nor her obsessions. This is just my opinion but...you can add more catchy points but the details in between feel really unnecessary imho

Lilith was born a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations. She lived under an abusive coven, who locked her up whenever she failed an examination before beating her. Even in the bleakest of moments, she desired a brighter future.

In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. Captivated by his radiant smile, she grew curious. 'How could he smile like that?' Yearning to learn more about him, yet fearful about her sister's reaction if they were to find out about this. She hid in the shadows, hoping to catch moments of what she wished her life was.

Fate was a fickle thing, though. One day, the same wolf boy found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship bloomed with all that it entails. But in a world where witchcraft was an utter abomination, would their relationship survive the stigma?
Will she be able to overcome her trauma?
Or will the agony known as living be too much for her to handle?

---

This is my first story. I hope you enjoy it! I welcome any feedback! Don't be afraid to leave any type of comment! Positive or negative, I have something to learn from all of them! Thank you so much for giving this story a shot!

I think I like your version of this! So just be straight to the point and allow the readers to find out for themselves? Sounds good. And easy to understand for me.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Still too wordy in my opinion. You don't need Lilith's life story nor her obsessions. This is just my opinion but...you can add more catchy points but the details in between feel really unnecessary imho

Lilith was born a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations. She lived under an abusive coven, who locked her up whenever she failed an examination before beating her. Even in the bleakest of moments, she desired a brighter future.

In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. Captivated by his radiant smile, she grew curious. 'How could he smile like that?' Yearning to learn more about him, yet fearful about her sister's reaction if they were to find out about this. She hid in the shadows, hoping to catch moments of what she wished her life was.

Fate was a fickle thing, though. One day, the same wolf boy found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship bloomed with all that it entails. But in a world where witchcraft was an utter abomination, would their relationship survive the stigma?
Will she be able to overcome her trauma?
Or will the agony known as living be too much for her to handle?

Agree. It cuts out the wordiness. Straightforward with just enough to leave bit of a hook. Nice!

 

[Mysticant]

I mean let us be honest, you do not need to write anything that I am going to be reading anyway. You just need to give me an idea of what is this story about, what is your selling point, which direction you are going to move. The things I left in are just that. And try to separate your opinion from your synopsis, I drew the line there because sticking them together makes immersion bad. You are selling a story to the readers, just write with that in mind.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I mean let us be honest, you do not need to write anything that I am going to be reading anyway. You just need to give me an idea of what is this story about, what is your selling point, which direction you are going to move. The things I left in are just that. And try to separate your opinion from your synopsis, I drew the line there because sticking them together makes immersion bad. You are selling a story to the readers, just write with that in mind.

Will try to! Thank you! Though I don't know if I will ever be perfect it surely is better than when I started! So thank you!

And Everyone else who helped me understand!

 

[LinXueLian]

Lilith was born a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations. She lived under an abusive coven, who locked her up whenever she failed an examination before beating her. Even in the bleakest of moments, she desired a brighter future.

In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. Captivated by his radiant smile, she grew curious. 'How could he smile like that?' Yearning to learn more about him, yet fearful about her sister's reaction if they were to find out about this. She hid in the shadows, hoping to catch moments of what she wished her life was.

Fate was a fickle thing, though. One day, the same wolf boy found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship bloomed with all that it entails. But in a world where witchcraft was an utter abomination, would their relationship? Will she be able to overcome her trauma? Or will the agony known as living be too much for her to handle?

Your synopsis is really wordy, imho.

I'd personally cut it down a little more and not give too much away - the idea is to attract a potential reader to a premise and have them explore the story themselves. I'd personally go for something that sounded more like this:

Lilith, a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations, lived under an abusive coven. In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy playing with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. Captivated by his radiant smile, she grew curious.

'How can he smile like that?'

I'd also personally swap past tense out in favour of present tense for dialogues, since they're always a "that moment" thing for the characters. It makes the flow a little more dynamic and exciting to click on. However, I'm glad you didn't randomly jump tenses the way I've noticed a lot of amateur writers and translators do. I'm forever curious as to whether that sort of thing is intentional or not on their end, but hey, I'm not paying for my entertainment here, so I ain't gonna complain.

Buuuut all this is just my personal taste. I'm a simple, handsome woman of simple, handsome tastes.

 

[Mysticant]

That is another way to do things, extreme simplicity and handsomeness. The plus side is it looks concise and pleasing. The downside is people still don't have an idea which direction it is going, I would only bank on such a synopsis if your cover can carry you.

 

[LinXueLian]

I would only bank on such a synopsis if your cover can carry you.

That makes sense - my handsome covers always carry me! Hehehehe!

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Your synopsis is really wordy, imho.

I'd personally cut it down a little more and not give too much away - the idea is to attract a potential reader to a premise and have them explore the story themselves. I'd personally go for something that sounded more like this:



I'd also personally swap past tense out in favour of present tense for dialogues, since they're always a "that moment" thing for the characters. It makes the flow a little more dynamic and exciting to click on. However, I'm glad you didn't randomly jump tenses the way I've noticed a lot of amateur writers and translators do. I'm forever curious as to whether that sort of thing is intentional or not on their end, but hey, I'm not paying for my entertainment here, so I ain't gonna complain.

Buuuut all this is just my personal taste. I'm a simple, handsome woman of simple, handsome tastes.

What I am getting here that everyone has their own way of doing their stuff! I think I will stick to the one I have at the moment. But thank you so much for the input and advice.

 

[LinXueLian]

What I am getting here that everyone has their own way of doing their stuff! I think I will stick to the one I have at the moment. But thank you so much for the input and advice.

Hahaha! Yes indeedy, that we do!

Mmm yeah, don't worry about it - it's all just personal opinion. Readers have their own tastes and personalities as well - we're usually attracted to writer voices we can vibe with. I'm one of those readers who'd pick something straightforward and simple to read, so obviously I like simple and clean synopses, or entertaining or funny ones.

You'll only know what sort of writer you are once you post your story and gain a following! Good luck!

 

[Snusmumriken]

This is exactly why I was giving you only general suggestions - in the end, it is something for you to make.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

This is exactly why I was giving you only general suggestions - in the end, it is something for you to make.

I thank you too! You made me aware of my long sentences and other stuff! As well as to divide my dialogue for easier follow.