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MC-Stories

The Wandering Dragon Storyteller
Joined
Dec 2, 2025
Messages
254
Points
43
Chapter 5- Break 1- Damaged Goods!

Life at home was not easy for me, my Aunt and Cousin were not exactly nice people.

For one thing, my Aunt's job didn't pay enough to support 3 people, let alone 3 people and one dog, and my cousin, Daisuke had fine wine taste on a soda budget, even though there was child support, Daisuke got most of it.

Seccond, My Mom and Aunt were not on good terms, in fact my Aunt, Midori, was not on good terms with any of our family, she was consider the black sheep of the family.

So my Aunt gave me three rules:

1. If i want food, i have to pay for my own meals because she did not want to cook for me.

2. Feed the Dog, because the dog liked me more than her.

3. One screw up, and i'd be kicked out of the house.

Every birthday, i would get a $100 and a birthday cup of ramen, that and $200 dollars for christmas, those were only two acts of kindness i was given.

At first, i thought she was just angry at my mom and took it out on me, but then, one day, i had gotten straight A's on my report card and Midori was told by my principal of the good news.

When i arrived home, my aunt was waiting for me, she did not look happy.

"Your principal called me, said you got straight A's, he said your GPA was incredible, you really fucking think i would be impressed by this?" she said.

She stepped foward, "Let set this straight, I..Do...Not..Love..You! you are just the result of my sister's stupidity, and now she's dead, and the only reason i keep you arround is because of you child support, nothing you do will EVER make me show affection to you, you are damaged goods and that's all you are ever going to be!"

She then gave me my Report Card, "The sooner you get that through your head, the better off we all will be.."

She gave me $60, go out to eat tonight, Daisuke is bringning his friends over, and i don't feel like looking at you tonight."

And so, that was the status quo until my 20th birthday, i got myself a part-time job working at the local comic book shop, the pay was pretty good and the boss was nice to me.

Once i got a job, Aunt Midori often asked when i was going to move out, i kept telling her i didn't know where else to go.

"Not my problem.." was a response she often gave.

That was about 2 days ago, before i was transported to Gaias, after getting used to this new world, i made a decision....

I would NEVER return to my old world, it was obvious that i never trully happy there..

Chapter 5- End.

Carefull, this character might just make you angry!
 

Kurayami

Pink Witchpire
Joined
Nov 10, 2025
Messages
108
Points
93
Simply put, the characterization is not good. It's a lot of telling and things happening with no subtlety at all. You are saying, "my aunt hated me for blank and blank." Then, you are making a melodrama of the aunt hating the character. Stuff like this does not make a good villain, it makes a cartoon villain.

Most readers will not be able to take this scene seriously, since it's improbable. I recommend figuring out better ways to show the aunt's disdain for the MC in a way that is not too obvious.
 

MC-Stories

The Wandering Dragon Storyteller
Joined
Dec 2, 2025
Messages
254
Points
43
Good ideal, i'll try toi flesh out her attitude in a later chapter, thank you for the advice!
 

DismaiNaim

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2024
Messages
214
Points
83
So... kid's mom dies and leaves him with family who hates him and mistreats him, until he gets isekai'd and lives a crazy cool fantasy life in another world.

Basically Harry Potter.

Difference being that the Dursleys are entertainingly over-the-top while this aunt doesn't have a motive [in this excerpt].
 

MC-Stories

The Wandering Dragon Storyteller
Joined
Dec 2, 2025
Messages
254
Points
43
So... kid's mom dies and leaves him with family who hates him and mistreats him, until he gets isekai'd and lives a crazy cool fantasy life in another world.

Basically Harry Potter.

Difference being that the Dursleys are entertainingly over-the-top while this aunt doesn't have a motive [in this excerpt].
Her, not Him
 
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