Can I get a beta-reader or two?

Discount_Blade

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It's action/adventure more or less. The problem is, it hasn't really kicked off yet. I'm a little self-conscious that what I'm getting at might not be as good as I'm hoping to will be. Hoping for some assistance. Only 3 chapters and I'm mostly just reining things in. It has at the moment, a little over 11k words.

If there are any takers, here is the google-docs link.

 

NiQuinn

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It really bothers me to see feedback requests over and over without hint of a synposis. I tried diving in but stopped when I found myself head first into battle. Can I get a summary at least? Or a warning of gore (not that it bothered me)?
 

Discount_Blade

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It really bothers me to see feedback requests over and over without hint of a synposis. I tried diving in but stopped when I found myself head first into battle. Can I get a summary at least? Or a warning of gore (not that it bothered me)?

The battle was the beginning, and a synopsis isn't really all that important from what little I have at the moment but yeah sure I'll summarize a little.

Though I haven't really made one. It's basically isekai at its core, though I'm mixing some Tower of God stuff into it, though not exactly the same. Guy dies, wakes up in new world where "new arrivals" are a common occurrence and are even expected and actively encouraged/sought after. This "new world" is called Sanctuary.
"Sanctuary is the potential existence for everything and everywhere for everyone".
Anyway, basically involves "Deadly Games", contests, and so on for money, power, and whatever else one wants. From what little of it I have posted in that link, that's all that is really relevant at the moment.
 

NiQuinn

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Yeah sure.

I haven't really made one. It's basically isekai at its core, though I'm mixing some Tower of God stuff into it, though not exactly the same. Guy dies, wakes up in new world where "new arrivals" are a common occurrence and are even expected and actively encouraged/sought after. This "new world" is called Sanctuary.
"Sanctuary is the potential existence for everything and everywhere for everyone".
Anyway, basically involves "Deadly Games", contests, and so on for money, power, and whatever else one wants. From what little of it I have posted in that link, that's all that is really relevant at the moment.
Thanks. Will continue reading it in a bit. Just finishing up some stuff. BTW, I did like the battle. Or what I read of it before stopping.
 

Discount_Blade

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Oh, and also, in response to your other thread, I'm looking for your opinion on the story content. It isn't much there yet but let me know at least if it grabbed your attention? Would you continue reading it? If not, explain. I'm not interested in the grammar content (unless you find that its just atrocious, in which case I should probably know now and save myself the embarrassment later.
 

NiQuinn

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The sharp, shrill sound of the officer’s whistle cleaved apart the silence hanging over the battlefield. Answering the call, a mile long wave of armed and armored death crawled from their trenches and surged forth toward their foes. Howls of fury and desperation came from parched throats, unwashed and battered bodies that had spent most of the day baking underneath the mid-summer heat.

Dirt and dust kicked up from underneath bare feet formed clouds that obscured the attackers from their mounted foes who were currently in disarray. A volley of flintlock fire had stopped and stalled a massed charge of heavy cavalry resplendent in their shining and glittering banners and flags displaying which lord or lady they owed their service to. In the lull of fighting as screaming men and horses died in agony or struggled to reform their ranks, killers on foot sought to close the distance over the no-man’s land of battle. Swords rose and fell on kicking and whinnying horses with rifle wounds in their throats, sides, and elsewhere. Men moaned and begged for their mothers or else mercy even as they were hacked to death by their enemies. Blood flowed and pooled into one cohesive and metallic smelling lake rather than in simple puddles.

The butchers stepped over the dead, finished off the dying, and then finally began to move against those who had lived due to having been apart of the rear ranks of the failed charge. A howl that would have done a dragon-wolf proud erupted from Acren’s lips. The potent mixture of hatred, terror, and excitement served as the boost to his courage he needed to propel him from the organic hills of dead beast and man and into the ranks of the enemy. His sword arm rose, and fell, the blade biting into the neck of a horse, whose eyes were already so consumed by terror that more white showed than color.
Might just be me but the prose took too long to reach the side of the protagonist. It feels somewhat forced and abrupt, to be honest. As to the rest, too many walls of text. It pains me to say this but there are too many descriptions. Ironically, a battle is supposed to be fast-paced but the number of words you use to describe the fighting bogs the story down making it so that it's difficult to stay invested in the narrative. Note that it could just be me since I'm trying to read this as fast as possible during break time at work so it would be great if you get more feedback from other people.

I just finished chapter 1. I'm at work and can't continue again. Will try to do so later on.
 

Discount_Blade

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Can't say I agree to be honest with most of what you said. The combat wasn't very wordy, in fact I barely gave the duels much description at all. And it didn't really take all that long to introduce MC name. 3rd paragraph isn't really out of ordinary. The paragraphs also aren't all that big. I also don't seen how being abrupt in a battle scene is a negative thing since battle is erratic and chaotic with no obvious rhythm. The whole first chapter is only a 1,800 words or so which is fairly short for a written battle between two armies, which almost always lasts more than one chapter in typical fantasy genre setting based writing. I don't see how it could have been shorter and still had ANY description or narrative to it at all. And the last 1/4 to 1/3 of the chapter is more his process of dying which shortens it even more.

I truly thank you for your words and opinions however.
 
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Scribbler

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Can't say I agree to be honest with most of what you said. The combat wasn't very wordy, in fact I barely gave the duels much description at all. And it didn't really take all that long to introduce MC name. 3rd paragraph isn't really out of ordinary. The paragraphs also aren't all that big. I also don't seen how being abrupt in a battle scene is a negative thing since battle is erratic and chaotic with no obvious rhythm. The whole first chapter is only a 1,800 words or so which is fairly short for a written battle between two armies, which almost always lasts more than one chapter in typical fantasy genre setting based writing. I don't see how it could have been shorter and still had ANY description or narrative to it at all. And the last 1/4 to 1/3 of the chapter is more his process of dying which shortens it even more.

I truly thank you for your words and opinions however.
I must respect the authors who can disagree with their feedback. It's hard to not sound like an asshole when disagreeing with someone. So you must handle it with tons of finesse.
 
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