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Okay, as long as you are consenting to being roasted, and it's all in good fun. I never like to discourage someone, no matter what their skill level, from continuing to write. Ah, white ice-cream, that famous flavor. That's what I always get. Unless I want my other favorite flavor, brown. I...

Can you give a link to a specific chapter/scene that's particularly giving you issue?

You seem to be focusing on what already is there, as opposed to what isn't. Yes, there are a billion algorithmic based stories that computers can do better because the stories themselves were never innovative in the first place. Just like big publishing houses peddled the exact same 2 stories...

First, solid narrative voice. The narrator speaks like a believable person and I enjoy their cadence. Second, don't be afraid of longer paragraphs. Long story short, too many short paragraphs just turn a chapter into one long paragraphs. You need variation to promote narrative flow. I'll just...

No worries. You were very specific in your request for feedback, so I wanted to be sure to give it a look. So you're at a clearly higher level than what I'm used to giving feedback on. So what I'm recommending, even if I don't always coat it in flowery language, is all more advanced stuff that...

Hey there, the forums are a bit ... disconnected from the rest of the website. It'll be much easier to get feedback if you post a link.

Okay, first, some good news. Your story is polished enough where the issues are a bit trickier to nail down. I don't know how much is AI-aided or to what degree. But fortunately for us all, I'm not the AI police. And if I am, someone had better send me a badge and a hat. Otherwise, I'm just...

It's ... just going to be easier if I repost and write in the margins. You don't need two opening paragraphs. One bit of exposition for a world we don't yet care about is already bordering on too much. You're also introducing way too much jargon before you need to. Gates, Voids, Aethers. Just...

Did you mean to link to your prologue? Because I didn't see a fight scene.

Unfortunately, just having a bunch of exposition to explain everything doesn't do what you want it to. Readers need a reason to care before we will start to actually piece together your story. To illustrate my point, I'll just cut out everything that I wouldn't care about as a new reader so you...

I'm unemployed enough to take a swing at it. First, speaking as a smut writer myself, you need to mark intense shit in the post if you are going to ask for feedback. Just as a courtesy sort of thing. Second, I just got done giving feedback on several stories in a row where the writers rushed...

Okay ... so the title of this post was ... strange. But I respect the hustle of trying to rage people into useful feedback. Though it probably won't generate a lot of positive attention. First issue, you need to choose a narration style. You open in the third-person but then immediately swap...

I don't think it's a problem people need to worry about. As we'll never be close enough for it to matter. What we should focus on is simply honing our craft to a point where it competently accomplishes what we want it to. To be more purple about it, I think a perfect book would be like a...

My own first book. In what way? In EVERY way!

For me, it depends on how it functions. There are plenty of stories that need a moment to get on their legs. The author starts on the ordinary in order to propel the story into the fantastical. Which is valid. But they want to show what the story is going to actually be like from the first page...

Okay, so the first thing getting in the way of your emotions here is structural pacing. For emotional scenes, the prose needs to flow. To mirror what the Point of View character (POV) is feeling. I'm not going to act as if I know your story well enough to edit it perfect for you. But I will be...

Orc. Always orc.

I haven't played one of those since "Thy Dungeonman" about a decade ago. They were a lot of fun. It just takes a bit of work to make them intuitive enough.

Basically ... you just have to accept the fact that your first bit of writing is going to be terrible. You have to accept that you are going to be embarrassed by it. And that the only way you'll get better is by having other people point out the problems you will then have to fix. And that you...