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I agree that your pacing is a little odd. I think you move a little too quickly and don’t take the time to dwell on any particular moment. It makes the story feel very impersonal and rushed. That said, my biggest critique is about your diction and syntax—what you say and how you say it. On a...

I’m not a big fan of Stephen King and I have my qualms with On Writing, but I think about his passage about vocabulary a fair amount. He says: If you’re worried about your vocab, don’t be. Read as much as you can and eventually it’ll come to you. In the meantime, read some authors known for...