There was snot crusted on my face when I was dropping the kid off at school, and I don’t even know if it was mine or his.
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Me: All my life points are gone now! I can go to sleep.
Kid: No, you only lost 3 life points.
Child, rolling in blanket: I got trapped in one of the traps I set up for bad guys in the bed that I forgot was here!
Mama, did you know that chocolate is a before bedtime meal?
Mama, this pee-pee volcano is about to erupt!
Other child: A baby grows inside the mommy’s tummy.
My child: It’s the opposite in hamsters. The gir-ul needs a male’s sperm!
Imagine you get serenaded with Yu-Gi-Oh cards. You come home, and you hear the theme playing in the background on a speaker. You follow a trail of cards on the ground to the bathroom, and a bath is prepared for you. On the side of the tub, you see a deck of cards that are all sealed in a water proof container. The top card is a first edition Blue-Eyes White Dragon.
Mama, when you fall on me, it feels like squishy mallow dreams!
It feels like there's always one shoe missing. Lose a water shoe. Get out the next size up water shoes. Get out the next size up socks while I'm at it. Find the missing sandal at the bottom of the sock bag. Find the old water shoe. Lose one of the new water shoes.
Child, holding a single strand of hair: These are the leftover wires. Do you want to use them?
Siri hears "swim recital" instead of "spermicidal"
Me, making grilled cheese sandwiches.
Child: Which one is mine?
Me: which one do you want?
Child: The one with cheese.
Me: What am I going to eat?
Child: Spaghetti with Grandma and Grandpa.
Every time I close my anus, my penis goes up.
Kid, playing chess: I will use the cruise ship to get on aisle six.
Me: It seems like you don't care about all the animals on the floor.
Kid: I do care about them! They accidentally crashed their ship, and it's taking a very long time to repair it. The problem is all these screws.
Mama, when are you going back to K5Ratikan?
It's like a hot dog being delivered at the speed of a piece of cake!
Mama, did you know that yesterday you sent me to school in baby mode? -
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