On today's episode of Mom Life, I am holding my bladder because the kid peed outside and tracked pee into the house, then I mopped the floor, and now I am waiting for the floor to dry. Will I make it, or will I decide to pee outside, too?
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4-year-old: I want to have a playdate with [boy] and [girl] at 3:00, and when I am ten years old, I will say to them, "Let's make babies!"
Me: Well, human bodies typically don't stop growing until 18, so it can be dangerous for a 10-year-old to have a baby.
Me: Come inside.
Kid: I'm trying to spit on an ant.
Kid, crawling on elbows and knees: eh eh eh not human eh eh eh
Me: Take your vitamin
Kid: eh eh eh not human not human
Me: Open orifice
Kid: *keeps mouth shut, goes to sit on toilet, then opens and closes mouth rapidly*
Me: *Very carefully tosses vitamin in mouth so my fingers don't get chomped*
Kid: *Chomps vitamin mechanically*
Kid: *puts hammer under shirt* I'm having a baby! A hammer baby!
My laundry basket just grew legs and peed in the toilet.
*glomps*
Every day my pee-pee goes into my uterus, and then it comes out and goes into my Octoray. Just kidding!
Child, walks up to me with blue marker all over his tummy. "Mama, you fed me blueberries at school two times yesterday, and it came out all over my tummy."
I'm trying to eat. Child brings me hamster tubes that were obviously in the saucepan. "Here's some soup!"
Child takes off pants and underwear, sits on my 5-quart saucepan. "I'm sitting on a toilet!"
As I'm typing, he starts bringing it to bathroom. "And now the toilet goes into the toilet."
Me: "No. That stays in the kitchen."
Child turns around, takes it to bedroom.
Child, turning off lights: Mama, we've lost power.
Me: Oh, why did that happen?
Husband: Because someone forgot to unplug the child.
How many emails do I need about Picture Day!?!?!?!?!
I heard the voice of Male say
He would brush my baby’s hair
And yet I see his hair unbrushed
and Male upon his phone
Child, wrapping my hand in toilet paper: "This is a poop glove. It's for protecting your hand from hamster poops."
Child, after twisting long balloon into a knot: "It's a ball of poop!"
Me: Oh, you're doing somersaults!
Kid: No, I'm just trying to see my butt.
Me, cleaning up styrofoam from furniture assembly and brushing my teeth at the same time.
Child, sitting on the toilet: "Mama, can you do three things at the same time? Mama, wash my anus. Mama, wash my anus, or you will get in trouble by me."
Child, using hangers like barrel of monkeys: "It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor . . . "
And then he tried on my dresses, still singing. -
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