ADHD feedback for your chapters

AliceMoonvale

Honorary White Asian Girl
Joined
Nov 15, 2025
Messages
662
Points
93
I've got a farm-to-table home grown story here, and on the plus side, as a fellow ADHD'r, it's still short and easy to read! I've got another chapter ready soon, but for now, there's just the first one. Edit: The story took over, and now there's two chapters. Whoops. Love to hear your thoughts!

Story is alright overall. I read both chapters you have currently. I feel neutral, not impressed but don't think it's bad either.

Only issues I see is:

1. Description stacking.
“A smooth voice, deep and almost hypnotic, a low growl that resonated in Nessa's chest, flush blooming on her face.”
My edit: “A low, hypnotic voice resonated in her chest. Heat rose to her face.”

2. Repetition
“It wasn't as though Nessa's life was volatile - it was actually painfully stagnant.” ... “But there's nothing different. It never changes.” .... “Everything is exactly where it's supposed to be…”

Nitpicks that stuck out to me:

Slight pacing drags
“a dusty brown wolf cut that had grown out… gathering her hair into a loose ponytail… digging through her apron’s pockets…”
I mean, it's fine. But it happens right as tension is building so I'm like eeeeh c'mon

Mystery behind the voice could of been done a bit better?

She broadcasts at exactly 9pm, Nessa hears it at 9pm, Miranda checks forums immediately after and finds someone who heard it, then reacts like they knew and were waiting for it? Made me be like "ah, so, she's the source?" Well shit, there goes some ambiguity out the window!

Idk, imo, I'd want to see mystery being panned out a bit slower and trusting your readers.

Y'ALL (not directed at just you) HAVE SOME MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. LIKE DAMN.
TRUST THE READERS JUST A TAD. :blobrofl:

Anyway, it was alright. I didn't get entirely bored, which is a rarity.

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Here is my submission. I look forward to your comments, suggestions or criticisms. Thank you in advance from a fellow AuDHDer! :)


Alright. What the fuck man.
Sixes and Sevens? are you gen alpha? what is this shit?

Oh my god dude. You need to work on formatting and breaking up literal wall of text paragraphs.
I almost had an aneurysm, so thanks for that.

Holy repetition batman:
“Robin grinned, he felt a pleasant, gentle tingle on his scalp…”
“Robin felt the pleasant tingle intensify….
“…he felt that pleasant tingle on his scalp again.”
“…the familiar, comforting sound which made Robin sigh, with the pleasant tingle on his scalp.”
“squeaked and rustled”
“squeak, crinkle and rustle”
“smooth, squeaky material”

Blink twice if you're being held a gun point and being forced to type pleasant tingle.

Try like "a soft shiver ran through him". Anything else, please.

Over detailing:

“He took off his coat and hung it on the rack.”
“He took off his shoes and placed them next to Timothy’s boots.”
“He took his heavy backpack off of his shoulders and carried it by a single strap…”

These don't add emotion, they don't contribute to moving the story train along.
Compared to something like: "“Robin slipped off his shoes and coat.” and thats it.

“I'm your friend. I won't laugh at you, or bully you.”

I don't recall middlechool kids talking like this.

There's just a lot that needs fixing, but I will say that the portrayal of Autism was decent, even if the obsession of trains feels maybe a bit stereotypical due to meme culture. Wish you luck~
 

eagle_360

HR. Retired and Tired
Joined
Mar 11, 2026
Messages
86
Points
53
I think I have second-hand trauma from reading the kinds of comments people make on other people’s stories :sweat_smile:

Why are you scared. This is one of, if not the best reviewer in SH. She can't possibly come out of the screen and strangle you!

Wait...can she? Oh no... this situation is bad.

I forgot about her ability to break the fourth-wall.

RUN @blushiemagic ! She in-fact can reach across the fifth dimension and get you for your terrible story.

I hear banging on my screen.

She already knows about me warning you!

This is not good.

My heart is thumping,

I can hear myself gulp.

Why is my throat dry. Wait, she's banging on my screen even harder.

This is bad.

Not good.

I think she's about to destroy me on my novel too.

This is super dangerous. I'll hold her back. You run away!



@Bimbanana Saveeeeee meeeeeee



TLDR : @AliceMoonvale is good with review, she will never be bad person. Go thank people for feedback.
 

AliceMoonvale

Honorary White Asian Girl
Joined
Nov 15, 2025
Messages
662
Points
93
I think I have second-hand trauma from reading the kinds of comments people make on other people’s stories :sweat_smile:
FUCK THEM. THEY ARE NOBODY, YOU ARE EVERYBODY TO YOURSELF. #gaslight #girlboss

Why are you scared. This is one of, if not the best reviewer in SH. She can't possibly come out of the screen and strangle you!

Wait...can she? Oh no... this situation is bad.

I forgot about her ability to break the fourth-wall.

RUN @blushiemagic ! She in-fact can reach across the fifth dimension and get you for your terrible story.

I hear banging on my screen.

She already knows about me warning you!

This is not good.

My heart is thumping,

I can hear myself gulp.

Why is my throat dry. Wait, she's banging on my screen even harder.

This is bad.

Not good.

I think she's about to destroy me on my novel too.

This is super dangerous. I'll hold her back. You run away!



@Bimbanana Saveeeeee meeeeeee



TLDR : @AliceMoonvale is good with review, she will never be bad person. Go thank people for feedback.
I'm never a bad person. I'm nice and wholesome and definitely not an introverted, retard fuck that hates people.
 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
138
Points
78
Is this still open?

 

CLASS_NOT_AUTHOR

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2026
Messages
8
Points
3
I haven't published it yet. Have written a lot of chaps(130 as of rn), but I think that it'll be better to post it all after I'm done writing and editing. If I post the first few chapters thru text(or if there's a way to link word files. Notepad doesn't allow italics when I copy paste.) will u review it when ur free?
 

CinnaSloth

🆃🅷🅴🄳🄴🄼🄾🄽🆂🅸🅽🄾🄵🆃🅷🅾🆃💢🌶️
Joined
Nov 20, 2024
Messages
548
Points
108
I'm surprised how many people are willing to be assaulted take your very wild, and very honest criticisms, Alice. lol :blobrofl:

Honestly, I have no idea if you ever started reading, have read, or rated this in the past. I just plain don't remember.
but here you go. tear it apart at your own leisure. I'm sure you have dozens more books to read.
 

CLASS_NOT_AUTHOR

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2026
Messages
8
Points
3
CHAPTER 1-HEARTBURN

Ahhh. Ahhh, it hurts!

X clenched his chest and cried internally in agony. He was somewhat used to it by now, despite the pain. Especially after the encounter with the demon yesterday. And the wound on his body.

The red light dimmed and brightened alternatively, almost as fast as the beating of his burning heart. The pain caused by the heartburn was worse than anything X had ever felt before. Not that he had many experiences in his short life. He did not have memories of anything that happened more than four years ago, after all.

Once the pain dimmed, X braced for the impact once again, counting in his mind. When it returned, it would hurt much more, especially if he was careless and not ready for it. X remembered the last time, even if he didn’t want to.

One, Two, Three…

But surprisingly, there was no second coming of agony. The heartburn was not over yet, X was sure of that since the brightness was still alternating, but the pain had not returned for a while now. Slowly, the scene changed, and X sighed mentally. Maybe this was one of the special “only one attack” days.

At least now it won’t hurt. Physically.

Countless scenes moved through his head, most of them too fast for him to see, much less understand. The ones that he did recognize were all too familiar. He really hated all these visions.

The brown coin depicting a familiar man holding a weird crown over another’s head. The old man with a long goatee covered in blood, which pooled down to form rivers and lakes.

And finally, the war. Multiple images of the war. The worst of the visions, that brutal war where countless creatures fell forever, the one even his grandfather didn’t know about.

At last. It’s over now.

Usually, after the war, the heartburn would return, X would cry in agony, and then the pain would go away. And people would stare at him weirdly.

Luckily I am in my bedroom. Wait, I am in my bedroom, right?

X was tempted to open his eyes, but he knew that he should not. The pain would only worsen if he intentionally or unintentionally broke the visions, or anything else related to the heartburns. Although there was no pain currently, X still braced for the impact, silently praying to the Lord of Light for blessings.

The surroundings brightened, but did not dim. Instead, the brightness grew, the golden light shining like the midday sun. X gasped in shock, his eyes shaking in joy. This holy shade of golden was something everyone in the Kingdom knew about.

Did the Lord actually answer my prayers?

Even though his eyes were closed in reality, X saw a man in front of him. He had messy blond hair that covered his eyes, a thin, lean but muscular body like that of a seasoned warrior, and bright golden eyes. A common grey tunic covered his body, but it did not prevent his muscles from being seen in all its glory.

His shaved, chiseled face looked like an artist’s depiction of a brave knight, which X did not agree with after seeing Uncle Rem. A pale golden light shone from behind him, much brighter than its surroundings, with an even holier shade, allowing X to differentiate them.

Wait, did He actually descend to help me? There’s no way I am that important, right?

‘Find me. Soon. Times are changing, old foes are returning. It’s not the time for you to be stuck here, X.’

The person spoke in a low, extremely familiar voice, which X could not place. Instantly, the whole scene ended. His vision went blank, and the brightness did not change with his heartbeats. For a brief moment, everything was serene and peaceful.

Praise the Almighty Sun! He saved me from the damned heartbu-


‘Ahhhhhh’

X couldn’t even finish the thought. The pain came back, worse than ever before, his heart almost bursting inside his chest. It felt like his blood had been replaced with molten steel, flowing through his arteries and veins like the pipes in the blacksmith’s forge. Not that X had ever seen one, of course, only heard about them from his grandfather.

I said that too soon. Was I not… praying ..Ahh…enough?

After what seemed like an eternal nightmare, the pain subsided. X heaved a heavy sigh, made his mind to go to the temple that day, and unclenched the hand over his chest. It was only then that he realized that there was a great amount of external pressure applied on that spot. With a weak smile, he coughed.

‘Enough, grandpa. I need my heart to live, okay.’

The pressure quickly went away. X opened his eyes and got a nice view of the mess he called home. A small, wooden hut, with random things thrown in random directions. There was a cluster of items here, and another cluster there. Books lying on the floor, a large axe on the small dining table, and utensils on the chairs.

Huh, why does everything look big. Did I get smaller?

‘Wait, why am I on the floor?’

A rough voice replied, making X painfully turn his neck up and look at the speaker. That was basic courtesy, or so his grandpa had said, but he did not want to follow it after all that had happened. Even if this happened once every two weeks or so.

‘You fell down, obviously. More painful this time, eh?’

The old, muscular, giant of a man spoke before lifting X up with one hand and placing him down on the small bed like a kid playing with a toy. He then rolled up the mat he slept on, and sat down on the floor.

Seriously though, why do you like floors so much, grandpa?

The man was Frederick, X’s adopted grandpa and a retired Stage 3 knight of the Kingdom of Europa, which was pretty much the only proper nation in the world. Once, he was a great warrior, one of the strongest of his generation, who proved his might in countless battles.

Currently, he was a humble woodcutter. One of the few in the village who dared to enter the Forbidden Forest without protection, although usually he was the one protecting the knights of Terlem, their quaint little village.

‘Yes, it hurts a lot.’

X responded in a low voice, before rubbing his neck to check if the cloth was still there. This way, he could remind his forgetful grandfather to examine the injury he got from the demon yesterday without voicing it out.

Just as planned, Frederick got up and bent to take a look. Removing the cloth, a piece of X’s old tunic that the old man ripped apart yesterday, he gently moved his fingers over the kid’s bare neck while continuing the conversation.

‘So, what did you see this time. The coin?’

X nodded, then stifled a scream. Stupid neck. Stupid demon. After calming down, he replied.

‘And the blood guy. And the war. Like usual.’

Frederick smiled at him, as if the visions he had regularly weren’t nightmares that most people wouldn’t dare to experience even once. Then again, the retired knight had personally participated in a war, so if anyone in Terlem had a right to laugh at the bloodshed, it was him.

‘Anything new?’

X exhaled and replied.

‘The vision took some time to end, so I prayed to the Lord to end…’

‘That was smart.’

Frederick interrupted.

‘And surprisingly, the surroundings brightened, and a man appeared and spoke some gibberish.’

‘So, like you then.’

Frederick interrupted him once more, this time just to tease him. However, it did give X something to think about.

That guy did look like me. Just change my age from 14 to like, 25, and we might have looked similar.

‘I think it was the Lord Himself.’

‘Sacrilege.’

Frederick snorted as he spoke, and then burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed, wheezing and coughing, until even X felt awkward. But that was just how his grandpa was, weird. And his mood swings were even weirder. After a while, when the old man had finally calmed down a bit, X spoke.

‘I plan to pray today. At the temple.’

Frederick’s smile bloomed as he spoke in a higher pitch than usual.

‘So, is my grandson finally leaving the house. That’s great.’

‘I go out every day.’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘Okay, but I went out yesterday.’

‘And got attacked by a demon.’

That’s true. Maybe I should go out in the evening with grandpa. It’s too late for morning prayers anyway, the sunrise was hours ago. Maybe. We need windows.


Frederick brought X out of his thought-induced stupor.

‘There’s good news. Edward is back.’

‘The merchant?’

Frederick nodded. X had been patiently waiting for him to return. Once a year or so, Edward would come to Terlem, which was a tiny village on the edge of which X and his grandfather resided, mostly to sell goods that would be rejected in Rossenberg, the Capital City.

Edward was well educated, a rarity in these parts of the country, where the only thing people learned was Common, the new court language introduced by the current King.

And even that was taught by the temple priests once a week or so. Children were taught by their parents if they wished to, and even that would not amount to much if the adult had not left the village.

Not only was he smart, but he was also experienced. X was sure that Edward could help him in deciphering the mysteries of the coin. X was even ready to pay a couple of copper Bits if it meant that his past would be revealed. Maybe even an Ingot.

Only if the information was worth it. No, maybe even not then. An Ingot is worth a lot.

X sat up on the bed, and with his grandfather’s help, got up and changed his clothes. The wound had dried, but the pain was still there. Reduced, but it still hurt. Even if it was nothing in front of the heartburns. With a sigh, he donned the traveler’s robe over his tunic, waded through the mess, and sat at the table for breakfast.

A single familiar knock echoed through the small hut, and X sighed once more. Frederick pushed the utensils out of the way and opened the door, revealing three people.

A tall man with long dark messy hair, a ragged, unkept beard and a wild smile. A young woman with a sword in her hand, looking out into the forest nearby. And a small boy, around X’s age, if his age was estimated to be he was eleven when Frederick found him, with a similar hairstyle to his father.

Do you always have to come while we are eating?

‘Hello Uncle Rem. Hi, Sven.’

X greeted the newcomers, not revealing the irritation within him. Rem had donned a tattered robe, and shiny silver armor within it. Slowly moving the robe away to display it.

It was almost like he wanted to show off, but did not have all the parts of the armor, so he covered up the rest with his robe. No, X was sure that that was exactly what he was doing.

‘What are you here for. Another hunt.’

Frederick asked calmly, a bit sternly even. Rem nodded, then shifted a little to the right to show the other three men standing behind him, all of them donning leather armor. The lady went back and took her place beside them.

The knights of Terlem. X smiled and got off the table, even though he was starving and wasn’t really feeling happy. Luckily, there was a loaf of bread here. He came closer to the door, standing beside his giant grandfather, and looked at Sven, still smiling.

‘Need me?’

Frederick spoke, and Rem nodded once more. X seriously could not understand why he was so stiff on duty, when usually he was a pretty chill guy. X didn’t bother thinking about that though. But he had an agenda to complete, which required him to speak in front of all these people. Something X preferred to avoid.

Well, lets go with a whisper for now.

He nudged Frederick on his arm, and the old man bent down and placed his ear near X’s lip. They both knew that X wasn’t really a conversation-lover, and even though they were pretty close to Rem and his family, the knight was a whole different person while working.

‘Can…Can I come along?’

X asked cautiously, and Frederick stared at him sternly. His close-cropped, military style hairstyle, the exhaustion in his eyes, the wrinkled skin on his face and the bulging muscles on his arms all clashed with each other, making him seem like a character in one of those drawing X liked to make two years ago.

Frederick shook his head, placing his right hand on his white hair, and walked back into the house, easily crossing the mess and picking up his axe, before he walked out of the house silently.

Grandpa and his mood shifts.

The knights followed Rem, their commander, and Frederick, their role model, into the Forbidden Forest, leaving X and Sven behind. X sighed in defeat. At least he got a person to accompany him to the village temple and maybe even the marketplace. A familiar, rough voice spoke out with a laugh, startling X.

‘Kids, go to the temple if you wish to. Then get back to your studies, or you will become homeless, like a certain old man here was fifty years ago.’

Not another mood shift.



-DATE- APRIL 13, 470-AK (After Establishment of the Kingdom-shortened as After Kingdom)
I'll send more chaps if u liked it.
 

Untethered_Seraph

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2026
Messages
2
Points
3
Hi, if possible i would really appreciate a read and feedback
Set in an alternate 1830s world of steam, machinery, and hidden horrors, the story follows Felix Corwin, a man who awakens with no memory of the past month, a mysterious stopwatch in hand, and a journal containing cryptic warnings.

Beneath the surface of the industrial world lies the Awakened, a hidden reality filled with mandates, power, and a horrifying cost that comes with wielding it.

Would he adapt to the rising tides and rewrite his fate…
Or break beneath them, becoming nothing more than a puppet to forces beyond his control?

These are the records of Anonymous.

novel link
 

Nevafrost

A stupid and foolish daughter
Joined
Apr 5, 2024
Messages
880
Points
133
Here is mine-nya, pretty gurl.

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What's happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?" Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling. "I'm so proud of you."

Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That's normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don't you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew," she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
 

AliceMoonvale

Honorary White Asian Girl
Joined
Nov 15, 2025
Messages
662
Points
93
I'm not a very professional or experienced writer, so I would love to get some critique... Haven't posted many words but I do hope you'll give it a try.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245687/the-world-thinks-im-dead-so-i-started-farming/
Well, off the bat, the synopsis is kind of.. generic? Very broad terms in there and feels slightly dragging/boring.
I'd recommend shortening it with punchier lines. I'm no expert, but this is how I'd write a few lines:

“What does it mean to live… if I’ve never lived for me?”
While the heavens mourned and mortals wept, Feng Liang sealed his power and vanished into a remote mountain village.


But that's just me, I personally like synopsises to be either short, punchy and direct, or very immersive.

---
Alright... let's start reading the first chapter.

Aaand, what in god's name is this sequence of sentences?
I actually laughed.

"It is only because of your benevolent grace that my husband." The young woman paused, bowing her head further. Kneeling together with her young husband, their noses rubbed against the soft hay.
That pause is so awkward too. Why -that my husband. Period. If it's only half the sentence, put a comma or the dots ..., something.
"It's all thanks to your grace that my husband's hemorrhoids have been cured." Her voice came soft and low, tears forming in her eyes.
"Wu'er," he called out, his voice gentle and calm. "I do not wish to be rude, but do you truly think that somewhere out there, there's a god who looks after us, mortals?"


THANK THA LOOOORD FOR CURING MY HEMMOROIDS!
That is fucking hilarious. lmao

If you want this part to not shatter immersion with comedy, change hemmoroids to illness or something. Nobody needs to know this. But if you want this to be comedy, you fucking nailed it with that.

And as funny as that is, I already get the theme you're going for and the whole dramatic irony here, with a couple praying to stones to god, but the dude is right there. That's funny in itself. I know your story isn't a comedy, but to me it is. And you signed yourself up for my bullshit the moment you commented here.

Anyway,

Too flowery and overwritten prose.

“numerous rose petals trailed near the door... stretching towards the bed... smeared the hay below... dull near the bed... walked upon countless times”

Tighten some things up, shorten it. It feels like you're one conga line away from becoming drawn-out, dramatic poetry.

Hook needs to be sharper, I felt bored by the end and felt no desire to check out the next chapter.
Maybe insert some kind of decision or action. Need some kind of a cliff hanger or something that makes people wanna 'turn the page'.

Overall assessment: I'm neutral. :blobthumbsup:

Mine too :blob_aww:

Immediate problems:

Synopsis is short, but it's repetitive.

“Born of royal blood…”
“A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past…”

These overlap. Might want to tweak that a bit.

At first glance, I'm not sure what's special about your MC and the betrayal is vague at best. If you just add in some things to be more specific and stand out, it might come across better, make it more interesting.

First chapter...

Ah okay, Suzan is kinda likeable. Pretty chaotic and unhinged. She has like, that meme quality of speaking like I give my own MC, very neat. As an insane person, I give this my seal of approval.
“stylish squirrel on espresso”

Good pacing, I like the dynamic of Suzan and Lily. Kinda feels like they balance each other out.

Only problem is that by giving Suzan that modern humor, it creates a tonal inconsistency since this is like, fantasy world building. So, whether your intention is to have it be a comedy with serious elements, or serious story with light humor, you should try and figure out that balance.

Overwritten prose:

“green eyes that looked like they were constantly deciding whether to trust you, rob you, or possibly adopt you as a sidekick.”

Seeing a pattern of overstacking metaphors like a house of cards. Eventually it'll all just come tumbling down into a mess of unncessary extended sentences.

The end of the first chapter is alright, feels too sudden though.

Chapter 2:

I decided to follow my instincts and check out chapter 2. It's definitely stronger than the first one, but again, seeing the tone inconsistencies.
Got a better hook with the royal vault + time relic thing. And good character writing, so you're doing great on that. Suzan's reactions feel mostly natural. Dialogue says one thing, while her behavior says another. Very pog.

Tone clash, definitely address it:
“Do we knock first or bring it flowers?”
“I always do reckless things responsibly.”

This thing you do is too modern sounding and too frequent. You undercut tension in scenes with jokes in your dialogue sometimes.

Your villain is generic. They don't really stand out much at all, sounds more like basic evil background extra.

Messy prose and grammar issues, I recommend some additional proofreading:

“trailing of cherries Suzan had swiped…”

“so she dont fall asleep in the worng place”

I hate the ending:
Her path led home.

But her thoughts?

They were already elsewhere.

Toward hidden keys. Whispered secrets.

Toward the vault.

Toward whatever waited beneath the crown.

This could be made in two tighter sentences and not all short, staccato sentences where three of them use 'Toward'.

Overall assessment: Ehhh it's okay. I read it more so out of curiosity than due to genuinely enjoying it. I like the Suzan character though.
 
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