[Help me] As a reader, how cinematic do you think the fight scenes in this chapter?

Eldoria said:

Well, I appreciate your feedback. However, the analysis in this thread only addresses the visual aspects, specifically in the reader's mind.

I might analyze the prose and grammar in another thread if possible. Thank you for your feedback.

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I was going to amend my comment.

Anyway, I feel that a 2/5 is appropriate for a "cinematic" experience. The scene relies heavily on dialogue, and the descriptions, while adequate and reasonable in terms of quality, are sparse and do not evoke a cinematic experience. It can be pictured, albeit vaguely.

In essence, I felt that you were painting with broad strokes in a scene where you're probably after the finer details.

Clara reinforced her arms with mana, her strikes hardened by magic. She charged forward and threw a punch with all her might. Erna countered with her mist-infused fist.

When their blows met, the impact burst through the air—

“Wush!”

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So, this section, as an example. While functional, it does not achieve a cinematic experience. If you're looking for a "did my fight scene work", then you're good. But if you're trying to create a visual masterpiece, then we're lacking here.

Clara reinforced her arms with mana, which hardens her strikes.

It's possible that we, the reader, know what this looks like from other sections of the story, but this is a good time to add some detail. What does the mana look like? How does it reinforce her arms? Does it sheathe them in a faint colored glow? Some sort of hard light-looking magical construct? Even a handful of words here can help.

She charged forward and threw a punch with all of her might.

Functional, but basic. Not driving home that cinematic feel.

Something like: Clara surged forward, kicking up a spray of dust with each step, and closed the distance in the blink of an eye. With a fierce battlecry, she throws a mighty right hook with her mana-reinforced fist that could topple even the mightiest warriors if it connected.

Erna countered with her mist-infused fist.

Again: functional, but basic.

But Clara's blow does not strike home. Erna's mist-infused fist intercepts with practiced precision, though the force of Clara's blow does force her to slide backwards a fraction of an inch.

The heavy impact of fist-on-fist, magic-on-magic, erupted into a massive burst of arcane power and concussive force which kicked up a storm of dust throughout the battlefield.

If you want cinematic, you need details. You're being concise, which is good for a low-stakes, over-and-done fight scene that needs to be out of the way, but something this dramatic should have some more detail in it to really paint that picture you're looking for.

Representing_Tromba said:

She does not need to for me. Friendly feedback is freely given.

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You don't need the money anyway. It's just pocket change for you.

Macha said:

You don't need the money anyway. It's just pocket change for you.

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I do only make pocket change from but I could use the money.

Representing_Tromba said:

I do only make pocket change from but I could use the money.

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I'll pretty much do anything, for a 4-pack of monster energy drinks and a pack of Marlboro Lights.
*wait*, that didn't sound good...

okay. I was looking for the chapter top read, then I figured out it was hidden with cunning, under one of those spoiler tags.
found the text, achievement unlocked.

opening line, I'm in love with. It had that bleak epic showdown in no man's land thing going on.
all it was missing, was "a crow issued one plaintive croak, then settled in to observe the proceedings with a well practiced clinical detachment"
(a crow being an omen of doom or death, never mind)

I've spot read two chapters of Eldoria before. I was already prepared for her style of onna-motta-pee-on-ya; she uses what I consider unique onamotapaeia (sp?) Its weird to me. One second I'm reading her, and its all adult heavy and poetic (like the opening line). Next thing I know, it has a child-like quality to it. Maybe this is deliberate, and I'm supposed to be imagining real life child-like anime characters. But I keep seeing overly cute human females with the characteristics she describes. Think "Sucker Punch" movie aesthetics, and you won't go far wrong how I envision her characters in my mind's eye. (that's a "me" thing, not the author's deal)

Maybe the occasional "adult" (not the right word, grasping for a phrase I can't word) poetic line, is meant to be at odds with a short stream of lines that aren't. This being the third chapter I've spot read from Eldoria, I was prepared for some "-ly". I can't say anything. I tend to err on the side of caution and tend to reword things to avoid them.

Like the "Whush!" moment. I'd have went with a description of the whoosh, and what it did.

I can definitely "see" the fight. in my head as I read. I cant say one through five, because I can;t count pixels in my head, LMAO. I either get a head movie or not. I get the head movie, it works.

the ---emdash in prose is a style preference, I can't comment on that. and hell. The Oracle will know better than I do when to use it or not.

the physical part of the fight, I want more description of things. The "flurry" was a great time to turn on the heavy description. But then again, Eldopria does have a sparse, clear direct style of writing. I saw that twice before. I'm starting to think I'm not qualified to judge WN writing, perhaps. I expect paragraph long descriptions of certain things now and again. The immersive experience that brings. Which is where I figure its my fault, for not being well enough versed in WN's in general. One sentence paragraphs are the order of the day. Every time I describe things at any length, I get yelled at that I'm "navel gazing". "Just say it and move on, anon! Quit showing off!"

the important thing:
yes. I get a head movie reading it. I see what's going on. I can forget I'm reading.

I want certain things different, but I'm the reader not the author.
but if you were looking for a viewpoint from reader/writer of trad pub? I can do that.
and this chapter excerpt filled in a question I caught a whiff of earlier. There was some theme of all women in the city, and no men. I knew something was up. I just didn't know what.

TinaMigarlo said:

the important thing:
yes. I get a head movie reading it. I see what's going on. I can forget I'm reading.

I want certain things different, but I'm the reader not the author.
but if you were looking for a viewpoint from reader/writer of trad pub? I can do that.
and this chapter excerpt filled in a question I caught a whiff of earlier. There was some theme of all women in the city, and no men. I knew something was up. I just didn't know what.

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Thanks for your feedback. There are two men in this chapter briefly as observers of the Clara vs. Erna fight. They are Commander Feroux and an unconscious young man (carried by Feroux on his back). If you continue these chapters... you will know that Commander Feroux (sword master) will intervene to fight against Erna, Rima and tens of shadowmists (enemy troops with mist powers). And well, the thematic in this sub-arc is quite heavy, involving past grudges, historical oppression, sacrifice and protection of conscience in a post-memory apocalypse world.

the *impression* I get, reading the physical aspect of the fight. How do I say this. I'm a writer, I damn well better be able to find a way, right? There's something juvenile about the fight. As if... a cartoon was watched, and the two characters were fighting. That was put into words. It contributes to the two competing visions I get in my mind's movie. One, is anime characters are real in this world. The other, is like I said. Adult females with the characteristics you assign them. In the "mommy daughter" chapters? My image of the mommy was an adult female. The image of the little kid though, was a cute anime lolli. These two things are at odds, for my movie in my head.

if I knew the book was aimed at, say ten year olds... I can dig that. then what I call a juvenile feel to the physical aspect of the fight scenes makes perfect sense to me. Am I expected to see "anime characters" and "lolli's" in my head as I read? Or am I supposed to see adults in the style of the "Sucker Punch" movie. I mean, if you could "lock me in" on the style of movie I *should* have, I think I'd do better.

or am I floundering, because I'm not an experienced WN reader. I'm like, totally prepared for this to me a "me" thing and everyone points and laughs at the rube. (its happened before, I take no offense if it do be like that)

I liked, no *loved", the opening lines. Then that feeling of heavy poetic dramaticism came back to visit a few times. I want a little more of that sprinkled in.

I feel like I'm failing you.

TinaMigarlo said:

the *impression* I get, reading the physical aspect of the fight. How do I say this. I'm a writer, I damn well better be able to find a way, right? There's something juvenile about the fight. As if... a cartoon was watched, and the two characters were fighting. That was put into words. It contributes to the two competing visions I get in my mind's movie. One, is anime characters are real in this world. The other, is like I said. Adult females with the characteristics you assign them. In the "mommy daughter" chapters? My image of the mommy was an adult female. The image of the little kid though, was a cute anime lolli. These two things are at odds, for my movie in my head.

if I knew the book was aimed at, say ten year olds... I can dig that. then what I call a juvenile feel to the physical aspect of the fight scenes makes perfect sense to me. Am I expected to see "anime characters" and "lolli's" in my head as I read? Or am I supposed to see adults in the style of the "Sucker Punch" movie. I mean, if you could "lock me in" on the style of movie I *should* have, I think I'd do better.

or am I floundering, because I'm not an experienced WN reader. I'm like, totally prepared for this to me a "me" thing and everyone points and laughs at the rube. (its happened before, I take no offense if it do be like that)

I liked, no *loved", the opening lines. Then that feeling of heavy poetic dramaticism came back to visit a few times. I want a little more of that sprinkled in.

I feel like I'm failing you.

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If you want to continue this chapter... please read the other 6 chapters:


Thank you.

Eldoria said:

Edit: I don't know if this is good or bad... as you're confused, why is Erna's injury mentioned at the end of the fight?

Because Erna was barely injured in this fight except for a few minor scratches. Erna lost not because she was weak but because she was tactically defeated. A gun was pointed at Erna's head but physically... Erna was still fine.

So, if you understand there were no injuries worth mentioning, your imagination is accurate according to my perception as the author.

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I got that. I think the way I said it was wrong. I understood it was a tactical battle, but for me(personal opinion), for such a powerful fight, the injuries were mild. That's all.