Feedback request on my Isekai Harem fantasy adventure

Great Journey: Whims of Fate

A man from a broken marriage is reborn in a world of swords and magic. A divine goddess grants him new purpose, a perfect maid stands loyally at his side, and a land of his own awaits his rule. Yet the world holds far more than he ever imagined.

He finds himself on a continent with a million kingdoms, each the size of an Earth continent, ruled by gods who pursue their own agendas. Legends speak of heroes and the trials set before them by fate and the divine. These heroes are not native to this world, but reincarnators like him, scattered across a realm too vast for any one of them to control.

In the midst of it all, Bastion Diamondhart drifts between stories not meant for him, casually crossing paths with heroes of prophecy and meddling in their fated journeys. Guided by his own whims rather than destiny, he leaves a mark wherever he goes.

Genre: Action, Adult, Adventure, Fantasy, Harem, Isekai, LitRPG, Mature, Romance

Tags: Academy, Blacksmith, Calm Protagonist, Demi-Humans, Demon Lord, Dungeons, Fantasy Creatures, Fantasy World, Former Hero, Gods, Heroes, Level System, Magic, Maids, Modern Fantasy, Monster Tamer, Nobles, Reincarnated into Another World, Reincarnation, Summoned Hero, Summoning Magic, Wizards

Content: 108 chapters, 650 pages, 180K word count

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It has two arcs so far, with the second currently in progress. It has already gone through quite a few revisions, but I noticed the retention rate past the first 10 chapters is quite low. Many people have seen it, but they tend not to follow. It seems the story isn’t very engaging yet, though it has plenty of potential.

I need feedback to help make it more interesting. Please halp!

babywrath said:

It has two arcs, with the second currently in progress. It has already gone through quite a few revisions, but I noticed the retention rate past the first 10 chapters is quite low. Many people have seen it, but they tend not to follow. It seems the story isn’t very engaging yet, though it has plenty of potential.

I need feedback to help make it more interesting. Please halp!

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Well, I don't know where you're publishing your fiction... but whether readers find a hook isn't just about a well-written narrative. It's more about the resonance between the fiction and the reader.

Fiction that connects emotionally, even if the writing is mediocre or even below average, is more likely to be followed by readers than fiction that's well-written but doesn't connect emotionally.

A hook isn't just about the writing, but more about reader preference. If your fiction doesn't match readers' preferences, it's likely to be abandoned. Therefore, you need market research.

Personally, I find your fiction doesn't quite match the general preferences of SH readers. SH readers tend to prefer feminine and emotional characters.

In particular, I find the harem genre might be off-putting to causal SH readers. This doesn't mean your fiction is bad. You might just be in the wrong place or your fiction isn't suited to the platform.

Therefore, you might want to consider releasing on multiple platforms. It's important to note that fiction is very rare for it to be popular on all platforms.

Generally, fiction is usually popular on one platform. For example, SH and RR have different audience preferences. SH tends to prefer feminine characters, while RR prefers masculine characters.

So, perhaps you should reconsider where you're publishing your fiction. Genre-wise, your fiction might be better suited to RR and Honeyfeed than SH.

At a glance,

Fiery Red heads, Neko maids, Loli mages, and a dashing MC wearing plate mail and carrying a chain-gun that looks like a GAU-8 off a A-10 Warthog.

Looks like you got your cover covered at least with all the standard tropes.

MC is too tall and muscular, needs to be more nerdy.

Loli up the blue one and you got a hit

MythicalForest said:

Loli up the blue one and you got a hit

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How much more loli do you want? She is already half his height LOL

Should work on the hook, something for readers to latch onto so retention doesn't fall off after the first handful of chapters.

And definitely ignore suggestions to turn any female characters into pedo-bait.

Eldoria said:

Well, I don't know where you're publishing your fiction... but whether readers find a hook isn't just about a well-written narrative. It's more about the resonance between the fiction and the reader.

Fiction that connects emotionally, even if the writing is mediocre or even below average, is more likely to be followed by readers than fiction that's well-written but doesn't connect emotionally.

A hook isn't just about the writing, but more about reader preference. If your fiction doesn't match readers' preferences, it's likely to be abandoned. Therefore, you need market research.

Personally, I find your fiction doesn't quite match the general preferences of SH readers. SH readers tend to prefer feminine and emotional characters.

In particular, I find the harem genre might be off-putting to causal SH readers. This doesn't mean your fiction is bad. You might just be in the wrong place or your fiction isn't suited to the platform.

Therefore, you might want to consider releasing on multiple platforms. It's important to note that fiction is very rare for it to be popular on all platforms.

Generally, fiction is usually popular on one platform. For example, SH and RR have different audience preferences. SH tends to prefer feminine characters, while RR prefers masculine characters.

So, perhaps you should reconsider where you're publishing your fiction. Genre-wise, your fiction might be better suited to RR and Honeyfeed than SH.

Click to expand...

I do post to multiple platforms, and funnily enough, I have the most reader retention on SH. RR only has 45 followers, WN only has 55 collections, Ao3 only has 12 bookmarks, while SH has 229 readers. It's doing well enough in a general sense, but I remember getting plenty of complaints with the first 10 chapters, and I have been doing my best to revise them. This includes toning down the language, changing all the first-person POV to past tense, and adding details that might explain how a five-year-old can wield a sword, among other adjustments.

Juia_Darkcrest said:

At a glance,

Fiery Red heads, Neko maids, Loli mages, and a dashing MC wearing plate mail and carrying a chain-gun that looks like a GAU-8 off a A-10 Warthog.

Looks like you got your cover covered at least with all the standard tropes.

Click to expand...

It's actually a recent change. It used to be an image of the goddess who summoned the MC but it wasn't as informative I guess?

babywrath said:

I do post to multiple platforms, and funnily enough, I have the most reader retention on SH. RR only has 45 followers, WN only has 55 collections, Ao3 only has 12 bookmarks, while SH has 229 readers. It's doing well enough in a general sense, but I remember getting plenty of complaints with the first 10 chapters, and I have been doing my best to revise them. This includes toning down the language, changing all the first-person POV to past tense, and adding details that might explain how a five-year-old can wield a sword, among other adjustments.

It's actually a recent change. It used to be an image of the goddess who summoned the MC but it wasn't as informative I guess?

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If that's what readers are complaining about, then feel free to revise the narrative as long as it doesn't conflict with your artistic vision. Readers complaining means they care enough about your fiction.

babywrath said:

explain how a five-year-old can wield a sword

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MythicalForest said:

Loli up the blue one and you got a hit

Click to expand...

Juia_Darkcrest said:

How much more loli do you want? She is already half his height LOL

Click to expand...

AliceMoonvale said:

Should work on the hook, something for readers to latch onto so retention doesn't fall off after the first handful of chapters.

And definitely ignore suggestions to turn any female characters into pedo-bait.

Click to expand...

The blue mage is 5'4" or 5'6" I think while MC is 6'6" which is just average for knights and warriors who are anywhere from 6'4" to 6'10". Maid is a solid 6' and the sorceress on the right is 6'2". Both the maid and the sorceress are on the taller side compared to most humans though.

Also, I can't do any loli stuff since I also post on patreon which strictly forbids it. I even got flagged for calling one of the characters loli so its pretty strict.

babywrath said:

The blue mage is 5'4" or 5'6" I think while MC is 6'6" which is just average for knights and warriors who are anywhere from 6'4" to 6'10". Maid is a solid 6' and the sorceress on the right is 6'2". Both the maid and the sorceress are on the taller side compared to most humans though.

Also, I can't do any loli stuff since I also post on patreon which strictly forbids it. I even got flagged for calling one of the characters loli so its pretty strict.

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well if he is 6'6 she is around 4'1 in that pic LMAO

AnonUnlimited said:

MC is too tall and muscular, needs to be more nerdy.

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He is tall and muscular by our standards but he's just average height and build compared to most knights and warriors. Also, he's pretty studious, does that count?

Juia_Darkcrest said:

well if he is 6'6 she is around 4'1 in that pic LMAO

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She's kneeling? lol

babywrath said:

She's kneeling? lol

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right, hence why you can see her standing leg through the split in her dress.

I am not judging, she is cute, but unless she was further in the background, she is definitely about half the MC's height... aka 'legal-loli' height =P

maybe she is a dwarf... dwarfs use magic in your writing, right?

Now I am nit picking, but the casings on the chain gun would probably be coming out the otherside...

Also, I glanced at your first few chapters. I'll go over them again tonight in detail, but as much as I kind of like the premise, it didn't hook me at a glance.

Juia_Darkcrest said:

right, hence why you can see her standing leg through the split in her dress.

I am not judging, she is cute, but unless she was further in the background, she is definitely about half the MC's height... aka 'legal-loli' height =P

maybe she is a dwarf... dwarfs use magic in your writing, right?

Now I am nit picking, but the casings on the chain gun would probably be coming out the otherside...

Also, I glanced at your first few chapters. I'll go over them again tonight in detail, but as much as I kind of like the premise, it didn't hook me at a glance.

Click to expand...

I can't see her legs anywhere but she does look quite short, lol. In any case, the image isn't supposed to be their standing position as those in the background were pasted on for introduction rather than a specific scene.

Also, Oof... It hurts that my first chapter didn't manage to hook you. I thought the parents knowing he was a hero was enough but I can see why it would be a turn off instead. The sad part is that I don't even know what would work as a better hook there since the entire novel is supposed to be laid back and stress free.

babywrath said:

I can't see her legs anywhere but she does look quite short, lol. In any case, the image isn't supposed to be their standing position as those in the background were pasted on for introduction rather than a specific scene.

Also, Oof... It hurts that my first chapter didn't manage to hook you. I thought the parents knowing he was a hero was enough but I can see why it would be a turn off instead. The sad part is that I don't even know what would work as a better hook there since the entire novel is supposed to be laid back and stress free.

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As I said, I'll review it again later, and I'll send you a DM with my thoughts.

I wasn't joking when I said I just glanced through it; I was just taking a short break from my own editing at the time. Like I need to figure out why the hell he was almost killed twice by the same maid on the same day (Ch4 i think). How wasn't she immediately executed the first time lol?

I obviously missed something, so when i goto bed Ill spend 30 min to an hour to read through from the start without distractions.