Dark Fantasy | Chapter 1 Feedback Needed (Honest Critique Please)

CHAPTER 1​

THE GIRL FROM THE SHADOWS​

“Run! Run!” they screamed.

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• Does the opening hook grab your attention?
• Are the emotions clear and effective?
• Is the pacing too slow or too rushed?
• Any awkward lines or parts that could be improved?

• Genre: Dark Fantasy / Action / Revenge / Subtle Romance
• Tone: Dark, mysterious, emotional
• Focus: Character emotions + tension-building

Eldoria said:

I'll be honest with you. Your chapter is not interesting. I have a hard time visualizing this scene and feeling neutral. Some things you need to reconsider:

(1) Your chapter is still more tell-it than show-it. The narrator is telling the story rather than letting the FMC act as a living character.

Reduce the narrative through the narrator. Let the FMC live and act in his world. Show it!

(2) You are bad at describing atmosphere. Get into the habit of starting the chapter with 1-3 short paragraphs (1-3 sentences/paragraph) to show the atmosphere, setting, and character psychology.

You can't suddenly make the reader tense without writing atmosphere. Describe the street, the air, and the FMC's mood. You can use emotional and sensory narrative to build the atmosphere of the story.

(3) Use cinematic action narrative to narrate the plot. Description should follow the action. Think of narrating the chapter like putting together an action movie. This will make the pacing of your story smoother and the imagination more impactful.

(4) The dialogue is flat, not conveying the tension of the fights and horror.

(5) I don't feel a hook at the end of the chapter. Can you make the reader curious enough to keep reading? If you can retell the four points above, the hook can be built organically.

Good luck!

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Thank you for the honest and detailed critique. I really appreciate you taking the time to break things down so clearly.
I understand your point about the narration leaning more toward telling than showing, and I agree that the atmosphere and sensory details need more work to build tension properly. Your suggestion about opening with a stronger atmospheric setup is especially helpful.
I’ll definitely revisit this chapter with a focus on cinematic action, deeper emotional perspective from the FMC, and improving the dialogue to carry more tension. I also see what you mean about the ending hook needing to leave stronger curiosity.
This feedback gives me a clear direction on what to improve next—thank you again for being straightforward and constructive.

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IGEN said:

Hi everyone! ?
I’m a new writer and I recently started working on a dark fantasy / action / emotional story.
I’d really appreciate honest and constructive feedback on my opening.

CHAPTER 1​

THE GIRL FROM THE SHADOWS​

The story begins with a girl no one has ever truly seen.
And those who did…
never lived long enough to describe her.


Her name is Igen.


In whispers, she was called Mortis.
In fear, Raven.


Her eyes were sharp like a cat’s —
cold, alert, deadly.


Her body was wrapped in a matte black gothic outfit, elegant and deadly at the same time.
A deep hood covered most of her face, shadows hiding her identity.
The fabric flowed behind her like living darkness.


Scars and subtle tattoos marked her legs —
proof of survival.


She stood alone in the open street,
surrounded by ten men,
their weapons raised,
their breathing heavy with confidence.


They thought she was trapped.


They were wrong.

---

Two men rushed at her together, swinging their serrated swords.
Igen moved without fear.


She lifted her ivory spear, the red arcane engravings glowing faintly,
and blocked both attacks in a single motion.


Metal screamed.


But danger came from behind.


Two more men attacked her with blades, aiming for her back.


Too late.


Igen twisted mid-motion.
The hidden knives embedded in her boots flashed.
In one smooth movement, she sliced both their throats.


Blood hit the ground.

---

The two men in front knocked her spear away.
It crashed onto the stone floor.


For a second,
they thought they had won.


They were wrong.


From the leather straps on her thigh,
Igen pulled out her second weapon —
a curved, ritual blade shaped like a deadly wing.


She spun and threw it.


The blade cut through the air.


Two heads fell.


Silence.

---

The remaining six men stepped back,
fear filling their eyes.


Igen didn’t wait.


She sprinted forward, grabbed her spear,
and struck with brutal speed.


Two more bodies dropped.


The last four turned and ran.




Then—


She appeared in front of them.


Like a ghost.

---

Igen slowly spun her spear.
Her eyes burned crimson red.


The men dropped to their knees,
begging, crying, shaking.


Mercy was never an option.


One brutal motion.


Four lives ended.


And then—


She vanished into the shadows.


As if she had never existed.

What I’m specifically looking for:

• Does the opening hook grab your attention?
• Are the emotions clear and effective?
• Is the pacing too slow or too rushed?
• Any awkward lines or parts that could be improved?

Story details:

• Genre: Dark Fantasy / Action / Revenge / Subtle Romance
• Tone: Dark, mysterious, emotional
• Focus: Character emotions + tension-building

I’ve shared only the opening part below to keep it short and readable.
If anyone wants to read more later, I’ll happily share the next part.


Even small suggestions would help a lot.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read! ?
(Brutal honesty is welcome.)

I’m open to both positive and critical feedback—please don’t hold back.

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IGEN said:

The story begins with a girl no one has ever truly seen.
And those who did…
never lived long enough to describe her.


Her name is Igen.


In whispers, she was called Mortis.
In fear, Raven.


Her eyes were sharp like a cat’s —
cold, alert, deadly.


Her body was wrapped in a matte black gothic outfit, elegant and deadly at the same time.
A deep hood covered most of her face, shadows hiding her identity.
The fabric flowed behind her like living darkness.


Scars and subtle tattoos marked her legs —
proof of survival.


She stood alone in the open street,
surrounded by ten men,
their weapons raised,
their breathing heavy with confidence.


They thought she was trapped.


They were wrong.

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Lufli said:

I’m also a newer writer, so take this with a grain of salt — but right now this reads more like a teaser/synopsis than a fully lived-in scene.
The ideas are cool, but I had trouble visualizing the choreography and where everyone is positioned. A bit more grounding in the environment would help a lot. One thing that helps me a lot is trying to really live the scene by focusing on multiple sensory details. If you expand your writing beyond just what the POV character sees, and also include what they smell and hear, it would feel much more immersive..
I’d also cut or rephrase some repetitions (eg "Theye were wrong.") and add clearer stakes. At the moment I don’t feel why this fight matters or what Igen might lose, so it’s hard to be emotionally invested.
Lastly, I’d skip lines like “The story begins…” and just start the scene directly, ideally by establishing setting + Igen’s POV before the action kicks off.

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L1aei said:

@IGEN Not gonna touch this because I'd just be repeating what is already said by others. But what I will do is offer a big piece of advice for you: start practicing on stronger verbs instead of adverbs.

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CinnaSloth said:

This is a screenplay, not a story. Try writing more story, and less-




it's not interesting, and incredibly annoying to have to keep scrolling. Just write, and let it flow naturally. No need for sudden drops, and random info dumps on a character you haven't introduced, and allowed us to get to know. It's not blind speed dating. Lead into an introduction. You wouldn't call a friend, and tell them, "HI friend, today I'm wearing such n such outfit, and heading toward the store at precisely 5 o'clock, how are you doing this fine evening?" Reign it back a bit, and start at the beginning. This is probably a single paragraph or two, easy to edit. Set the setting. add the character. Nothing in a story is ever truly there, until someone is there to recognize it, or give it attention.

Ex: Character jumps off ledge* Her cape billows in the wind.
The wind is the other "character" acknowledging she is wearing a cape. It is giving the cape the attention it needs to "billow", so the reader knows of its existence. Complicated, i know, but it's the same as "a dog bit sam's boot", you as the reader, now know the character's name is sam, they're being bitten by a dog, and they're wearing boots. All without having to tell the reader, the man named sam got up today, put on outfit A, and slipped on his boots to go outside where he was attacked by a small dog.. Allow your story to just, flow..

========================
I'll be moving things around to make it readable.. and highlighting my own additions. I have no idea why you have so many different variations of bold, italics, or a random quote?? when quotation marks exist for his particular reason.

The story begins with a girl no one has ever truly seen(, a)nd those who did… never lived long enough to describe her.
//You don't need "The story begins with". The story begins the moment the first word is on the page. This should be your synopsis. Easy to understand, straight to the point. Done.

Her name is Igen. In whispers, she was called Mortis. In fear, Raven. Her eyes were sharp like a cat’s(; C)old, alert, (and) deadly. Her body was wrapped in a matte black gothic outfit, elegant and deadly (<-- repeated word not even a sentence later) at the same time. A deep hood covered most of her face, shadows hiding her identity. The fabric flowed behind her like living darkness. Scars(,) and subtle tattoos marked her legs(. P)roof of survival.
//Edgy, but nobody asked. Is she narrating to herself? Is she looking herself in a mirror? What are we doing here? I thought she was wrapped up in clothes like 'living darkness', why are we showing off scars, and tattoos? Did she undress? I'm convinced she brought a mirror with her, and she's vain to the point of self infatuation.. Proof of survival? Survival of what? Nothing has happened yet. Proof of vanity? Give these descriptions when someone notices them, be it her, another character, a dog, a cat, or the guards in the very next sentence. Not before.

She stood alone in the open street surrounded by ten men.
(T)heir weapons raised(. T)heir breathing heavy with confidence. They thought she was trapped. They were wrong.
//Stood alone in the street surrounded by ten men. Let that sink in for a moment........................... Okay, moving on. You'll notice I, me, purposely added a new line in this one. That's because we moved from her--> "SHE stood" to them--> Their weapons. New lines per "character".. Not at random.

Ex:
Paragraph 1: She said, she did, she does whatever, "she sang the words to Never gonna give you up by Rick Astley Here."
Paragraph 2: They said, they did, they got their butts kicked as "they begged their unforgiving god Shrek to save them here."
Paragraph 3: Descriptions of the world; Settings, trees, city, the random cat that fell from a rooftop, and the bird it caught, and ate.

I'm not your editor, and I know this is your first attempt, which isn't bad, but try reading a few books to get a flow for story writing, and NEVER add so many new lines if they aren't needed; It looks like Ai slop, it's annoying, and it's almost like you just don't care.. which I'm sure you do. Read books. Learn as much writing structure as you can. -including punctuation.

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AliceMoonvale said:

I'm lazy and having a few drinks.
Like others above, can confirm it reads like AI.
Those short, staccato sentences are annoying. Avoid them, unless you're chatting.

This thing happened. Then this. And that.
Also,
This thing happened.
Cheese, milk, eggs. What was my grocery list again?

I don't remember. I have dementia.

I like trains.

They go whoosh.

I dream of cheese.

This ain't it. I'll be blunt and straightforward about it, mostly cause I'm buzzed out on alcohol.

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