Got bored, thoughts would be nice. (Updated)

A-Random-Writer

Humanity's strongest soldier.
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Yeah, I got bored in class so I just started writing. Any thoughts on it?

Chapter 1.
Humanity has a history of oppressing each other. Maybe through violence, or by fear. We pass the blame to others for why it happened, yet have you stood to think that maybe, you are the problem?

Think about that. What truly holds you back? What stops you from taking back your freedom?




“Present arms!” 7 rifles clicked with perfect precision.

“Aim!” The rifles aimed into the sky.

“Fire!” Everyone held their breath.

“Bam!” In perfect unison they all fired off.

“Fire!”

“Bam!” Again.

“Fire!”

“Bam!” A final time.

The wind blew against my cold skin. The sun covered by clouds provided no warmth.

“Captain Nazume.” A soldier dressed in a navy blue uniform lined with gold stood in front of me.

I could only stand and watch him approach.

“I present to you, the flag of humanity” he said in a monotone voice. “The Federation of Earth is deeply sorry for your loss. The president sends his condolences.”

He pushed out a flag folded into a perfect triangle. A sword and shield stood out among the red background.

My hands slowly rose, the gloves covering them, hid their shaking.

I felt the pressure of the flag slowly being transferred into my arms. I struggled to keep them up.

I looked at his face. Cold grey eyes, no emotions behind them. Almost like he was a walking corpse.

He gave a slight nod and turned back to the formation of troops behind him. One by one they marched off the field. The crowd dispersed, yet I remained frozen.

I don't feel anything.

“Captain.” A voice filled the cold air.

“I understand you’re mourning a loss but you need to get back on base. Unless you want to end up in the casket next.”

The person stood beside me looking forward.

“It would be a shame if you went through all that just to die now.”

I felt my heart start beating.

“He died for a reason. Don't let it be in vain.”

I inhaled.

I felt the blood rush through my body. The warmth slowly comes back.

“You're right. I'm sorry for taking so long” the words came out without any meaning.

I took a step forward. I took a breath.

I walked towards my car. Each step echoed throughout the deserted parking lot.

The horizon, filled with red and black banners, took up my sight. They were posted everywhere. No room without one.

Bzzzt bzzzt. My phone goes off in my pocket. My hands reach in for it slowly grabbing the end of it.

The screen flashes on with an all to familiar banner.

A text bubble pops up flashing yellow and white.

Attention all troops:
Sector 16 is under attack from rebels protesting. All available units are to respond and secure 16's freedom. Cleansing squads are in route.

My hands run cold.

Why? Why do they keep doing this? Don't they realize we are already free? All of their deaths are senseless.

Chapter 2.

“Back up! You communist scum!” A man in heavy armor raised his rifle at a girl in front of him. Her heart covered by a shield with blue and white wings covering the middle.

She took a step forward and raised her arms up.

“Wake up! Look around you! Does this look like freedom to you!” She pointed around her at the banners and soldiers.

“Yes it does.” He grinned ear to ear while staring into her eyes.

My hands grew sweaty around the grip of my rifle.

“BAM BAM BAM!” Three shots rang out. A body lay on the floor, blood pouring out.

“Clean up order received. Restore order.”

The protesters went silent. A fist raised into the air.

“You can't kill us all!”

The protesters charged forward.

“TAKAKAKAKAKAKA!” A machine gun ripped into the crowd as the protesters charged the soldiers.

“Nazume! Go cover the left alleyway!"

I snapped out of my thinking and started running.

Lines of soldiers, firing their rifles into the streets, screams overpowered the gunshots.

This… is this what we need to do? Kill them all?

No. This is correct. This is the only option.

The alley was dimly lit. Water dripped into it from the apartments above.

I raised my rifle and turned on the flashlight attached.

4 figures stood in front of me wielding bats and pipes.

“They took my daughter.” A voice sounded throughout the alley.

I instinctively flinched. My aim became unstable.

“What lies have you told your family?” One of the figures took a step forward. He wore a tan uniform with the same symbol as the girl did.

He was young. No more than 16. Don't do this.

“Stand back!” I flipped my safety off and aimed for his head.

“my entire family was killed." A man took another step forward.

An old man, grey long beard. His hands were covered in blood.

“I'm warning you! Stay back!” My heart began to pound.

“Think.”

“Are you really okay with killing another human?”

My grip loosened.

No…no…no.

They're trying to get into your head.

“They don't want you to think.”

A girl stepped up holding a machete dripping in blood.

“No. You're the ones who are lying!”

“You're the ones who want to take away everything from me!” I shouted.

“Is that so, Nazume?”

A voice in my head interrupts my thinking.

“Remember what he said to you before he died.”

My mind flashes to a blood soaked street. Bodies thrown into trucks, waiting to be burned, smoke filled the skies.

“Hey Nazume, have you ever thought that maybe this is wrong?”

“Hey, be quiet! If they hear you say something like that, they will kill you next!”

He lowered his head and whispered, “ do you remember, in the mornings on the way to school, we had to carry these pass books, and give guards our phones? Don't you think that's restrictive?”

“But that's for security purposes. Everyone has to do it.” I shook my head.

“I don't believe that anymore. If we were free, why would people try to rebel? What would they need to throw away their lives for?”

“Quit saying that! I don't want to hear it anymore!” My head started to hurt.

“Okay, just listen, I feel that we have wings that have been clipped by something. Something that doesn't want us to fly and see the world. Something that doesn't want us to be free.”

I snapped back to reality. Footsteps ring throughout the alley as if someone is running at me.

A girl. She's almost flying. Her boot aimed at my face. I raised my gun to stop it.

Crack.

My face guard cracks. Darkness.

My hands were empty, I sat in a dark cellar with my armor stripped off.

It was cold. Really cold. Every breath I took felt like a battle in itself.

“Looks like you're awake.” a feminine voice came from in front of me.

She stood up underneath a lamp hanging from the ceiling.

“Let me ask you something.” She approached me and crouched down in front of me.

The wings on her heart were stained with blood.

“Are you truly willing to be free?”

Chapter 3.

“Over 245 dead. At least 500 injured.” The woman stood over me.

“Gunned down in the streets for speaking out.” Her fists were clenched waiting to strike me.

“They… were violating the law… they knew what would happen.”

Her eyes locked with mine as I finished speaking.

“Why don't you understand it!”

BAM!

Her boots slammed into my chest knocking the air out of my lungs.

“Get out of your delusion and look around!” She grabbed my hair and pulled me up by it.

“Let go of me!” I cried out through the pain.

She's taking me through a dark hall. Candles line the walls waiting to be put out.

A smell fills the air. Its overwhelming, I feel my stomach begin to spin as it gets stronger.

“Look in here!” She opens a door and shoves me inside.

I feel my body go numb. I fall to my knees in utter horror.

Bodies… hundreds… no… thousands of them… women…children.

Blood stained clothes, their faces beaten, arms snapped off like twigs.

A little girl. I lock eyes with her cold eyes, it feels like my soul is being read like a book. I can't look away. Her bloodied arm clenched to a doll.

Did we really do this?

I can't speak… my head feels light… I can't stay awake anymore….

I black out.

The darkness… It's comforting… I can't feel anything… a midground between life and death.

Except a voice calls out to me.

“Nazume.”

My friend. His dark hair swaying, blue eyes sparkle like they used to back during school.

I want to move but I can't. Iron shackles restrain me. I try and try to get them off but nothing works.

I notice something. Each lock, branded with the federation flag.

“Come over here Nazume!” He waves his hand and signals me towards him.

“I can't! My arms and legs are chained!” I scream back

He smiles and shakes his head.

“Look at me!” He said calmly.

“If you really care about freedom, then stand up for it! Be one of them!” He pointed behind me.

Rows and rows of people bearing the wings stood behind me. Each one of them stood tall facing me.

“But, they're the enemies! They oppose freedom!”

“Nazume. Just listen to me.” He was standing beside me, his jacket bore the wings of blue and white.

“Listen to them.”

Chapter 4.

The streets were clean the next morning. Sidewalks filled with people going to work, children played in the driveways, watch guards stood as if nothing ever happened.

The sky was unbelievably clear, birds flew over, it was peaceful.

Bam!

A door slammed open and a woman came running out.

“Where did you take my husband!” She screamed out in between sobs.

The children stopped playing and began to stare.

“Give him back! He didn't mean what he said!” she screamed, bringing more attention to her.

Soon two police officers pulled up in a car and picked her up by the arms.

She kicked and screamed begging to be let go. The officers pushed her into the car and prepared to drive off. Then, a child approached. I barely overheard them speaking.

“Mister police man, where are you taking my mommy?” He said in a shy voice.

I lowered my head, suspecting a horrible end to this.

“Oh hey there little one, your mommy had a little accident, but we are going to take care of her.” The police officer smiled and rubbed the little boy's head.

“You're going to stay with your neighbor for a while, okay?” He reached into his pocket and held out a candy for the child.

“Okay mister police man! Thank you!” The child took the candy and ran off back to his friends.

“Do you see what I mean?” the woman from the cellar stood behind me whispering into my ear.

As much as it hurts to admit it. I'm beginning to understand.

“Come on, there's another place we need to go.” She pressed a knife to my back and pushed me forward.

Walking back on these streets, I remember the screams, the smell of gun powder and their will to keep fighting.

All of it was cleaned up in a day.

We stopped at a TV store, all of the TV's had the federation's flag on it. I've begun to notice things.

Is this what they meant by wake up?

“No one even questions what happens. They just sit there and accept it.” She took the knife off my back and walked to a TV.

She slipped her fingers underneath it and changed the channel.

“Good morning everyone, welcome to humanity's favorite news station! Yesterday our brave troops stood up against a group of fascist protesters defying our freedom nation. Thankfully our men stood their ground and arrested them all without any deaths!” The screen panned to an image of a soldier holding a thumbs up as a civilian smiled as he was being shoved into a police car.

“Look, even the fascist know how great our nation is! Now onto the other announcements, today our presi-” She cut off the TV.

“Do I need to show you more?” She gave me a stern look and leaned back on a shelf.

“Don't you need to be more careful speaking like that in public?” I let my thoughts slip out.

She looked around the empty shop and smiled.

“There's no one to hear it.”

CLANG!

A metal cut fell behind the counter. The woman pulled a pistol out of a hidden holster and walked behind the counter.

Is there someone behind there? Did they hear her?

“Wait wait wait! I didn't hear anything! Please don't!” The woman pulls back the slide on her pistol and aims it down.

I looked over the counter, an old man curled up into a corner covering his face. He's whimpering. He was utterly defenseless.

The woman shook her head and sighed.

“I’m really sorry.”

My eyes widen and my veins run cold.

“Please please! I have a family!” He cried in despair.

She isn't going to do this right?

“I can't take chances, it's for the best. Really.” She screwed on a silencer and flipped off the safety.

I look into the man's eyes, he's scared.

“Wait!” I lunge at her trying to save him.

One…two… shots…both into his head.

I fell to the ground beside him. His body still curled up.

His eyes remain open staring under the counter. I look at where their facing… a picture, a young girl standing beside him, smiling in a meadow.

“Why did you do that?” My heart is pounding, my legs become warm with his blood on the floor.

“He heard us. You know what would happen if he reported us. I don't think you realize the bounty on our heads.” She took apart the gun and holstered it.

I catch my breath and lock eyes with her. I don't know what I feel anymore, it's something, it consumes me.

“Our? Hahahaha” I slowly stood up, a smile plastered across my face.

“It's all you. You’re…you're crazy, you've thrown millions of people to their deaths, yet not one” I throw my hand up, only holding up one finger.

“Not one has even seen a glimpse of this so-called freedom!” My hands clenched closed. I know what I feel, not anger, not regret… It's hate.

“Do you know what they offer for the capture of a single rebel? They will give whatever you want! He was a liability!” She gritted her teeth.

My hands start shaking, I can't control it.

I can't… there's nothing I can do… everyone, everything, why can't we just be peaceful? Why can't we just leave each other alone? I just want to be alone…
 
Last edited:

code_sike

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Good baseline. I would read this if you made it a full story.


The one line paragraphs will annoy some people but you just need to describe the characters, actions and setting in those, and that will fix itself. Idk about the quotes around the sound effects, so maybe bold or capitalize them instead. You switch tenses once or twice like with the 'i don't feel anything' line, but if that's something the character is thinking, italicize it.

Others will probably give you more in depth advice but that's my two cents. Nice job!
 

A-Random-Writer

Humanity's strongest soldier.
Joined
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Messages
182
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Good baseline. I would read this if you made it a full story.


The one line paragraphs will annoy some people but you just need to describe the characters, actions and setting in those, and that will fix itself. Idk about the quotes around the sound effects, so maybe bold or capitalize them instead. You switch tenses once or twice like with the 'i don't feel anything' line, but if that's something the character is thinking, italicize it.

Others will probably give you more in depth advice but that's my two cents. Nice job!
Thank you! This is a very rough draft and I plan on expanding it further!
 

HouseDelarouxScribbles

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Oh! I can see the direction of the story! The 'questioning protagonist' is a good start to the story, I do have two things which pop out to me, in that the people here react with some abnormalness:

The Officer Who Tells Him To Get Back To Base - This one feels off to me, because the guy did a 180 degree turn by going from mourning to telling the grunt protagonist to get back to work. I can tell this is to show that the military is callous and cold, but it just feels off and inhuman instead. Maybe a small gesture like a salute, and changing the words to "There is more work to be done." to show the businesslike nature or his adherence to duty without empathy would be better. The intended sinister tone feels more dull than unempathetic right now.

The Four Protesters In The Alley - This one definitely felt psychologically inconsistent to me. Because if there had been a big fight going on, most people would have been in a state of heightened shock at being shot at. I would expect most people to be running away in fear, or fighting really hard. It might be better if the scene is set after the protest has been broken up and the military is going around shooting people who strayed off. These four would be going around doing opportunistic hits on military people who come by. If it is a planned ambush, it should be pointed out!

Also, something that is not related, but I really can't stop laughing at the ending line,This is a me problem, because I play Helldivers and I am reminded of that famous line in the Helldivers opening trailer... (laugh)

 

A-Random-Writer

Humanity's strongest soldier.
Joined
Jan 5, 2026
Messages
182
Points
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Oh! I can see the direction of the story! The 'questioning protagonist' is a good start to the story, I do have two things which pop out to me, in that the people here react with some abnormalness:

The Officer Who Tells Him To Get Back To Base - This one feels off to me, because the guy did a 180 degree turn by going from mourning to telling the grunt protagonist to get back to work. I can tell this is to show that the military is callous and cold, but it just feels off and inhuman instead. Maybe a small gesture like a salute, and changing the words to "There is more work to be done." to show the businesslike nature or his adherence to duty without empathy would be better. The intended sinister tone feels more dull than unempathetic right now.

The Four Protesters In The Alley - This one definitely felt psychologically inconsistent to me. Because if there had been a big fight going on, most people would have been in a state of heightened shock at being shot at. I would expect most people to be running away in fear, or fighting really hard. It might be better if the scene is set after the protest has been broken up and the military is going around shooting people who strayed off. These four would be going around doing opportunistic hits on military people who come by. If it is a planned ambush, it should be pointed out!

Also, something that is not related, but I really can't stop laughing at the ending line,This is a me problem, because I play Helldivers and I am reminded of that famous line in the Helldivers opening trailer... (laugh)

Sweet liberty, this guy has helldivers ball.

On other words, the officer guy at the start isn't done yet as I have some things for him to be apart of later on and I can see what you meant about the 4 people in the alley way scene. I will be working on it in class today when I get time. Thank you!
 

Th3Breadnought

Loafing around on SH since 02/26
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I found the writing very competent, easy to follow, good combo of enough that I knew what was happening and could let my imagination passively and effectively add texture. Very economical.

Food for thought, speaking for myself and not as "empirical and objective seasoned writing expert" [a title I don't deserve]: there's enough wanton brutality and beuracratic/patriotic pettiness in the regime combined with hints of diffuse first principles among rioting/rebelling mobs that it pushes my suspension of disbelief and pulls me out a bit.

I'm not saying totalitarian and tyrannical regimes can't or haven't pulled off some pretty wild and disturbing levels of fanaticism and societal programming on the masses... but if they're just mass shooting people in the streets and rushing active service members through funerals with threats for taking too long; I expect to see a lot more of the sales pitch and actions demonstrating the competence or opportunities that got them into power in the first place beyond how well they run the Ministry of Truth or propaganda equivalent in your setting.

Also, most protestors and rebels in unstable authoritarian regimes aren't diffusely and organic beginning to develop abstract first principles about freedom they can then leverage to try to psychologically appeal to foot soldiers. It's usually more human and smaller scale (the economy sucks, I'm hungry, I can't say anything, you disappeared my family).

All that said, if you WANT the more heavy handed version as a creative choice and it's what you're going for- uncomplicated, cathartic- mission accomplished.

That said: labeling protestors communists is a well placed and historically literate data point I appreciated.

Overall though, far more coherent and easy to follow than anything I've written on a whim without a lot of revision. Interested to see where you take it.
 

Joyager2

Amateur
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Jan 30, 2025
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It's a good start, but the one-line paragraphs and barebones descriptions of your setting and characters coupled with every sentence starting its own line makes it a really tough read. It also makes the moral and political arc of your character difficult to get on board with. What does Nazume actually believe? It takes a specific point of view for someone to agree to be an armed enforcer for the status quo, especially in an era of mass protest. If Nazume is politically-minded enough to become an agent of the state (with all the social and political conditioning that comes with that kind of role), why is she suddenly having doubts? Why is this very weak, bog-standard pushback of authoritatrian ideals is enough to create such a crisis of faith? Some more time in Nazume's head, some more time living with her in the world she inhabits would really help give these chapters the weight they need.

Other than all that, some speech tags would be helpful in differentiating speakers.
 

A-Random-Writer

Humanity's strongest soldier.
Joined
Jan 5, 2026
Messages
182
Points
63
I found the writing very competent, easy to follow, good combo of enough that I knew what was happening and could let my imagination passively and effectively add texture. Very economical.

Food for thought, speaking for myself and not as "empirical and objective seasoned writing expert" [a title I don't deserve]: there's enough wanton brutality and beuracratic/patriotic pettiness in the regime combined with hints of diffuse first principles among rioting/rebelling mobs that it pushes my suspension of disbelief and pulls me out a bit.

I'm not saying totalitarian and tyrannical regimes can't or haven't pulled off some pretty wild and disturbing levels of fanaticism and societal programming on the masses... but if they're just mass shooting people in the streets and rushing active service members through funerals with threats for taking too long; I expect to see a lot more of the sales pitch and actions demonstrating the competence or opportunities that got them into power in the first place beyond how well they run the Ministry of Truth or propaganda equivalent in your setting.

Also, most protestors and rebels in unstable authoritarian regimes aren't diffusely and organic beginning to develop abstract first principles about freedom they can then leverage to try to psychologically appeal to foot soldiers. It's usually more human and smaller scale (the economy sucks, I'm hungry, I can't say anything, you disappeared my family).

All that said, if you WANT the more heavy handed version as a creative choice and it's what you're going for- uncomplicated, cathartic- mission accomplished.

That said: labeling protestors communists is a well placed and historically literate data point I appreciated.

Overall though, far more coherent and easy to follow than anything I've written on a whim without a lot of revision. Interested to see where you take it.
Thank you! This means a lot to me. I've already completed chapter 3 and I'm beginning on chapter 4 soon. I will update the original post later. I will try my best not to disappoint you.
It's a good start, but the one-line paragraphs and barebones descriptions of your setting and characters coupled with every sentence starting its own line makes it a really tough read. It also makes the moral and political arc of your character difficult to get on board with. What does Nazume actually believe? It takes a specific point of view for someone to agree to be an armed enforcer for the status quo, especially in an era of mass protest. If Nazume is politically-minded enough to become an agent of the state (with all the social and political conditioning that comes with that kind of role), why is she suddenly having doubts? Why is this very weak, bog-standard pushback of authoritatrian ideals is enough to create such a crisis of faith? Some more time in Nazume's head, some more time living with her in the world she inhabits would really help give these chapters the weight they need.

Other than all that, some speech tags would be helpful in differentiating speakers.
That has been noted and ive began to implement stuff like that to clear up confusion
 
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