Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Makimaam]

Hii, I wanna try dropping my first story for feedback and my perfectionist self wanna I take everythin into account I am nervous not a decent writer, so pls lemme know your opinion!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2267817/fixated/

Synopsis

Worst-case scenario? Sylvia Macaulay, one of the infamous delinquents in the Academy, draws interest in him.

The phrasing here is odd. “Takes an interest in him” works better. It should be either “draws his interest” or “takes an interest in him.”

Facing different challenges like adjusting to his new school life, meeting new personalities and experiences, and discovering places beyond the comforts of his home,

Will he find his friend to seek the truth of her disappearance, or will he lose himself in the Academy's wilderness?

What’s with this incomplete sentence?

Anyway, the synopsis is kind of bland. I do have some concerns about your tags. I already know it’s not to my taste, but let’s get to Chapter 1.


Chapter 1
The POV wobbles. It starts off in the old man’s perspective for some reason, when you could have begun directly with the MC and dropped us in his head from the start. Then we get his internal monologue, which sounds more like an authorial voice than his own perspective.

He was too wary of the whispers made by the students in front of him and their superstitious glances.

You mean suspicious?


Overall impression
Honestly, this is a boring read. You could have deepened the initial mystery to create a stronger hook, but instead we’re led through a slog of a day, meeting various bland characters. The setting is repeatedly called a “wilderness,” but there’s no real breadcrumbing to hint the place is unusual. It just reads like a standard academy.

The novel reads very much like a Japanese WN, and the MC has, frankly, no voice. Neither does the dialogue, which functions as narration. Even though we spend most of the chapter in the MC head, it still feels like an omniscient authorial voice, which makes him hard to relate to. Who is he as a person besides wanting to find his friend and missing home? Right now, he feels like a blank slate, moved around only as the plot demands.

I got bored halfway through and ended up skimming to see if anything interesting would happen, but it concludes with him reporting/ recapping to his uncle about his day. Pretty unnecessary, as the scene neither moves the plot forward nor deepens the reader’s understanding of the character.

There’s still a lot of room for improvement, and the opening chapter needs to be much stronger than this.

 

[DarkCrinkle]

Synopsis

The phrasing here is odd. “Takes an interest in him” works better. It should be either “draws his interest” or “takes an interest in him.”




What’s with this incomplete sentence?

Anyway, the synopsis is kind of bland. I do have some concerns about your tags. I already know it’s not to my taste, but let’s get to Chapter 1.


Chapter 1
The POV wobbles. It starts off in the old man’s perspective for some reason, when you could have begun directly with the MC and dropped us in his head from the start. Then we get his internal monologue, which sounds more like an authorial voice than his own perspective.


You mean suspicious?


Overall impression
Honestly, this is a boring read. You could have deepened the initial mystery to create a stronger hook, but instead we’re led through a slog of a day, meeting various bland characters. The setting is repeatedly called a “wilderness,” but there’s no real breadcrumbing to hint the place is unusual. It just reads like a standard academy.

The novel reads very much like a Japanese WN, and the MC has, frankly, no voice. Neither does the dialogue, which functions as narration. Even though we spend most of the chapter in the MC head, it still feels like an omniscient authorial voice, which makes him hard to relate to. Who is he as a person besides wanting to find his friend and missing home? Right now, he feels like a blank slate, moved around only as the plot demands.

I got bored halfway through and ended up skimming to see if anything interesting would happen, but it concludes with him reporting/ recapping to his uncle about his day. Pretty unnecessary, as the scene neither moves the plot forward nor deepens the reader’s understanding of the character.

There’s still a lot of room for improvement, and the opening chapter needs to be much stronger than this.

Hi, I appreciate your feed back! I guess I still need alot of things to improve as a writer and story all-in-all. And yeah I agree that it's too typical or normal Academy setting in the opening, and I pretty much dragged it a few chapters-ish cuz I don't want to rush things out but yeah it's prolly just me overthinking. ~ Will take note of these for reference when I rewrite/revamp the stuff~

Thankies!

 

[LJCamo]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Could you give feedback on my new book. It’s only one chapter so far.

Agent Atlas Adams

Atlas Adams is an agent of the Supernatural Enforcement Agency (S.E.A); a hidden branch of the American government that specialises in policing, containing, and killing supernatural and impossible threats to the world. Atlas has a gift, he can see how and when a person is going to die (...

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[ElysPencil]

Can you give feedback for my first book? I'm discovery writing so it's kinda messy but I tried my best to make it readable though not that great since I'm doing this for the first time. I'd love your feedback thank you

Trials of the Constellation

Christopher died saving someone. He expected nothing but a grim reaper or his soul ascending to heaven or descending to hell but it's not. He was allowed to reincarnate and he unexpectedly join a massive god competition as a Constellation. --- Updating is very slow as I only do this...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

Here's mine, Her Last Rain this is my first novel so I don't know that much about writing, anyway I'll appreciate any feedbacks you might have :)

Have a good day...

Chapter 1
I can see you’ve improved from the original version I read, and that is commendable. However, there are still many issues I could point out in this chapter.

Rain in Neo-Veridian wasn't weather. It was infrastructure.

Sounds profound, but comes across as pretentious.

The city had absorbed it decades ago and stopped complaining, and now it lived in the air itself, cold and constant, threading into skin and breath and bone until you stopped registering it as separate from yourself.

Again, this kind of personification is excessive. It uses overly grand language to describe something as simple as constant rain.

A gap between two buildings that the city had forgotten to close off,

Once more, unnecessary personification. Just call it a gap and move on.

After this point, the description becomes repetitive. You keep reinforcing the same atmosphere without adding anything new. It is word padding. If the chapter consists of a few metaphors, it is fine, but here they are stacked on and stacked on further. And I have to ask you to chillax, for once.

Then a tear slipped down her face. Slow and unhurried. Not a flicker, nor a malfunction — I'd seen malfunctions. They stuttered. But this didn't

Weird and unnecessary way to describe a tear.

This is the risk of relying on something that doesn’t understand humans to reword for you. It may sound impressive at first glance, but it’s important for you, as the creator, to stop and ask: does it actually make sense? Or is it just empty, hollow words pretending to be profound for no reason? Right now, many of these lines fit the latter category.

 

[Sunsetinapainting]

Okay, can you give me feedback on my new book.

Being a cursed blessing

In the kingdom of Mitico were people were given tanks: The Blessed and The Cursed. The blessed hold the power to build, grow and create, they were considered necessary for the growth of any civilisation. They became farmers, workers, officials, leaders governors and Presidents. They were an...

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