Newbie here. I want to know if the first chapter is good or not.

[Corrupted_Witch_666]

I was writing something for free but I find it difficult to start a story. Especially when your brain is full of stuff.
Basically, I never chat before so I thought if you guys could go easy on me if you would.
I was thinking of a title for my story, so why not give it a read and tell me what you think.
I was planning on making another chapter if possible.

My story here.

 

[Deleted member 22388]

I will be honest with this so lets start..
Sheesh, it feels like the way you write is similar to mine.

Since you keep using 'I'.
Sucks in cold breath*

Go research about first-person, second-person and third-person narrative.

-
Second, I feel out of place(because of randomnes) aha!
But I can see it..

You could try to improve how you can describe your surroundings... is what I can give an advice....... .

I will give the 2 parts that needs improvement but.... sorry mahhhhn I myself is also bad pointing it out.
-old man on the window(aaaaa....hhaaaaaaa, actually this is random in my eyes, but still ok.)
-the princess?(where did she came from? Did she just teleport to existance.)

-
Third, it's illogical but still comedy to suddenly say
"She talk too much"(on the second part of the story ahahha)

The goddess gave him an explanation, yes its indeed long but its... its not that too much T.T

The too much example could be
Go look into one punch man where Saitama and the cyborg guy talk to each other on episode 2/3? At his house.
Here if you lazy but its not good quality and its in dub(better in sub)

I think that's all wuhhhh I feel tired writing this (nearly an hour) of advice

Now onto my short thoughts about this novel.
ugu.
-I like reading it(just like ok)
-Loli yey. (Where this is a normal trope)
-Old man says that one funny sentence.. ahaha!
Finish.

"You suck Nairo"
'Yes I suck at this and so are you'
"Fumu I agree"

 

[Corrupted_Witch_666]

I will be honest with this so lets start..
Sheesh, it feels like the way you write is similar to mine.

Since you keep using 'I'.
Sucks in cold breath*

Go research about first-person, second-person and third-person narrative.

-
Second, I feel out of place(because of randomnes) aha!
But I can see it..

You could try to improve how you can describe your surroundings... is what I can give an advice....... .

I will give the 2 parts that needs improvement but.... sorry mahhhhn I myself is also bad pointing it out.
-old man on the window(aaaaa....hhaaaaaaa, actually this is random in my eyes, but still ok.)
-the princess?(where did she came from? Did she just teleport to existance.)

-
Third, it's illogical but still comedy to suddenly say
"She talk too much"(on the second part of the story ahahha)

The goddess gave him an explanation, yes its indeed long but its... its not that too much T.T

The too much example could be
Go look into one punch man where Saitama and the cyborg guy talk to each other on episode 2/3? At his house.
Here if you lazy but its not good quality and its in dub(better in sub)

I think that's all wuhhhh I feel tired writing this (nearly an hour) of advice

Now onto my short thoughts about this novel.
ugu.
-I like reading it(just like ok)
-Loli yey. (Where this is a normal trope)
-Old man says that one funny sentence.. ahaha!
Finish.

"You suck Nairo"
'Yes I suck at this and so are you'
"Fumu I agree"

I will improve it. It's because I had some rough draft to fix.

And as for the princess, I was going to add her in a future chapter as the MC wanted some explanation from her and why she's a part of those bugs.

Also, the MC is silently exaggerating since he's a loner that wants nothing to do with others.

Probably suck at writing.

 

[Deleted member 22388]

I will improve it. It's because I had some rough draft to fix.

And as for the princess, I was going to add her in a future chapter as the MC wanted some explanation from her and why she's a part of those bugs.

Also, the MC is silently exaggerating since he's a loner that wants nothing to do with others.

Probably suck at writing.

Silently..exaggerating... nice!
Understandable on the suck part, so ganbatte!