I need an opinion on the chapter one and cover of this novel. Genre: Sci-Fi, Crime, Fantasy, Mystery and Tragedy

The_Monarchy

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THE RISE OF THE CRIME LORD


CHAPTER ONE: THE DILEMMA

Within the gloomy forest of Nathul, the branches of trees were so tall that they sought to block the radiant light from the scarlet and azure moons, it succeeded at that as the darkness made allies and enemies indistinguishable in its domain, at this fateful night Marcus trudged through the forest, each step in this dreaded swamp served as a constant reminder of the decision he'd made. The intel he'd sold- names, dates, nothing confidential that would harm the syndicate, so he thought. But the money…it would set his dear Charlotte and Maria for life. Now, summoned to this midnight, a sharp sense of dread ran across his body immediately. A flicker caused the tree's movement, but he shrugged it off as paranoia overtook his rational thoughts. He laid his back against the tree to make an intercall, summarising the current state of affairs to an unknown assailant.

After the intercall had ended, Marcus swiped over his Chronos S watch; he noted it was 23:30 with a notification from his wife Maria asking him to be back early the next day. Upon seeing the message, he felt guilt and fear washing over him for involving his family and taking that damning offer. However, he knew he could not turn back time, seeing as his watch showed signs of increased heart rate and cortisol levels, he adjusted his posture and calmed himself to maintain composure.

At the designated area, an Elysium 9th generation sports car was parked next to a roundtable with two chairs neatly arranged opposite each other. The field around the chair and sports car compared to the rest of the forest was a stark contrast, as the grass field in that region was professionally leveled with enough clicking fireflies to illuminate the whole area.

In one of the seats, a well-defined man with an athletic physique adorned with an all-black pinstriped classic suit, with hair so long that it had to be tied in a bun so as not to lay on his back, and with a face that held a grin which reinforced calmness was seen carefully polishing his utmost elegance and style. This sent chills to Marcus's mind, but he regained composure and greeted this strange individual he called the boss.

"Marcus," Leon's voice was deceptively calm, "Sit." commanded the suited man as he gestured his hands, inviting the middle-aged man to sit directly across from him. Before Marcus could speak, the glare from the man in the pinstriped suit made him swallow his words, finally causing him to take a seat. "Good evening, Boss Leon," Marcus said in a submissive tone while maintaining his composure, this gesture greatly disappointed Leon as he had already laid his verdict:"'You know the rules. Betrayal isn't just punishable by death - it's erasure. Your family, friends, every trace of your existence... gone.' He leaned forward, his grin shark-like smile in the moonlight. 'But it doesn't have to be that way. Tell me who you're working for, and maybe - just maybe - we can come to an arrangement.'"

"Boss, I have done no such thing," Marcus vehemently denied.

Leon's proceeded to take the gun from the table, used his finger to pop the barrel, inserted the bullet, and began to roll the barrel of the gun, cocking it back into position."Marcus, I offered you mercy, and you threw it back in my face. He sighed as a sound of regret and fear escaped his mouth. " I will have to pay your dear Charlotte and Maria a visit since they will be expecting you tomorrow, which wouldn't be possible or what do you think? , Leon said with a glint of murderous intent. A cold sweat ran across his back as Marcus mustered every bit of courage to speak "I beg of you, I didn't mean to betray you; this matter is between us; please don't involve them; they are not a part of this," said Marcus in a frightened tone. "Innocent, when you pledged to uphold the syndicate interest above all else, why would you think for a second that I would let them go when you failed to uphold your promise, Good Riddance," Leon angrily roared these words before pointing the gun at Marcus. In a fit of rage and nervousness, Marcus took the gun and shot Leon.

Instantly, a strange force twisted Marcus's arms in an anticlockwise direction, causing the bullet to deviate from its original course. A sigh came out of Leon's mouth before murmuring under his breath, "Dogs that bite their master's hand should be put down," while Marcus silently screamed due to his broken bone poking out of his flesh, Leon turned around, looking towards his shadow before uttering, "Article 5, Page 20 rule has been breached; carry out the necessary punishment."

A dark silhouette covered from head to toe in a dark cloak instantly emerged from Leon's shadow, approaching Marcus like a reaper guiding a lost soul to the underworld. With every step, the surrounding grass withered. However, Marcus overcame the pain and decided to run for it, understanding that the boss was not supposed to have abilities as he was a negator. This meant that he had specially trained agents at his side at all times, which induced panic as his ability to detect anything present in the 20-meter radius did not alert him. There might be more than two agents, one erasing presence and the other with decaying properties as witnessed from the withering grass. Suddenly, he stopped, observing his surroundings. Yet, he did not move forward, fearing an ambush.

"Shadow, prepare the base for the attack on Hound Warehouse after the initiation and tell Dean to prepare a detailed account of this month's expenses. And I need the information on the hidden assailant soon," Leon said calmly as he wiped the blood off his gun before handing it to another agent and walking to his car, driving towards Xerxes.

"Alice, safeguard the briefcase and also give this note to Lay Anastasia; also, relay the information that Marcus has gone rogue to Charlie, and he will know what to do from there," said Shadow before preemptively disappearing. While Marcus continued navigating his way out of the forest, the azure and crimson moons in the sky no longer emitted their radiant light at that section of the forest. Without a moment to think, his wrist and feet were disconnected from the rest of his body without bleeding due to the cauterizing effect of the slice. Marcus despaired, yet he kept crawling and struggling to get out of this god-forsaken forest, screaming, "Maria… Charlotte…, he chanted this mantra, "I am coming home," hypnotizing himself to push forward. Eventually, he felt the damp soil, and his will reignited as a river surrounded the forest entrance. Marcus kept crawling; then, a cackle resounded in the zone of darkness. A foot swiftly landed on his back. In an act of desperation, Marcus twisted his body at an awkward angle to bite the ankle of the cloaked individual. Unfortunately, he missed as the man rapidly kicked him, and before he could utter a word, he was knocked out, his body was placed in a perforated body bag before both disappeared into the night.

At Marcus's Residence

An Echo Pulse edition sports car drove slowly, parking on the house's porch. A man in a white suit, black tie, and a diamond-crusted watch exited the car. He had an iconic smile and a neatly done fade that screamed mega-rich, but his smile carried a humble persona contrary to his outfit. After arriving, he gently walked towards the door and knocked.

Thud, Thud, Thud.

"Charlotte, go open the door," Maria gently asked. Charlotte quickly went and opened the door, and after opening the door, he suddenly looked up to see the man who was a solid 6'2. However, instead of a scared expression, Charlotte was overjoyed as the man carefully looked her up. " Mama, it's Uncle Charlie." A woman in her late 40s briskly walked towards the door to welcome the guest, but Charlie stopped her midway before hanging his suit off the coat hangar and going to the sitting room while sitting opposite her, he had a sad look on his face before saying," Sorry Maria boss orders.", as they collapsed.

***

While driving on the highway in the Elysium 9th-generation sports car, the road was dimly illuminated by suspended lamps that decorated the sidesteps, the environment gave the street a brim feeling of elegance and history, seeing how much this slum had evolved to such an ordered pathway brought an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. Leon thought of going to his favorite bar to get his mind relaxed and plan his next course of action."It is shocking how much one can accomplish in three years, and even with all this, I'm still far away from overwriting the affairs of this state," said Leon as his face expressed both bitterness and sorrow as he reminisced about himself and a silhouette of the past he called family. Clearing his mind he focused on who could have coerced Marcus into betraying the syndicate, all evidence pointed directly to the bloodhound's gang. However, one thing he learned over the years was that nothing was as it seemed.

The more he drove down the highway, the intensity of crime increased. The strangeness of this event was that, to the outside world, it was an ordinary trading street, but to those well attuned to the life of crime, it was a public black market. At every inch of this merchandise trading block, each criminal's eyes reflected envy, greed, fear, respect, and even reverence.

This was where he first met a partner he could call brother; Leon could not hold in his laughter whenever he remembered how Charlie tried scamming him through a sending bait to steal from him and as acts as a good samaritan who would help one find the thief while asking for a sum of money in return for finding the thief since he knew the slum the best and would run away with the money "I think it was that moment I saw his potential in human relations and persuaded him into becoming my first comrade, and is the closest thing I would call a brother" reminisced Leon as a gentle smirk crept upon his previous bittersweet expression…

Across the highway, a plump man with a trimmed mustache in a white t-shirt lifted his hands to alert the car to slow down. Leon immediately stepped on the brake slightly, bringing the vehicle to a halt. The car window surface switched from tinted to transparent, which allowed for easy see-through.

"Buzzkill, how are you doing? I just saw you heading downtown and wanted to check up on you," the plump man remarked. He leaned in closer, lowering his voice." Lately, there have been some more than usual suspicious activities in the neighborhood. I did some digging and found out that the advert crudis are doing some labor hiring," whispered the plump man to Leon.

Leon's forehead slightly creased as he processed this information, and gradually, he came to a realization. "Thanks, Ricardo, for the information. When will you ever do away with that nickname? It's been two years, and you still haven't dropped it. About the advert crudis, we lately had a peace treaty between each other to trade and move within turfs, but hiring laborers in this district is indeed quite suspicious,"

Smoothly changing the topic, Leon questions, "How's both the day and night business performing these days," questions Leon. Upon hearing Leon's question, Ricardo's mouth tilted slightly upwards, giving him a mischievous look. "I see everything is going well. Send the report to syndicate for review, and it was nice seeing you, Ricardo," said Leon before storming off to the distance to continue his journey…

Meanwhile, in the Syndicate base- Accounting Department

"Really, like, come on, this workload isn't getting smaller," mumbled a young man looking no older than twenty. His complaint was quickly met with a newspaper to the head by a cigar-wielding middle-aged lady with a ponytail with streaks of grey hair within it. "Damn, old lady, always scolding me for the slightest mistake, why did I even get myself into this job," said the skinny young man. "Dean, Leon told me to mold you to be a competent accountant," as the ashy smell from her mouth face."Boss Leon this, Boss Leon that, Lady Anastasia, you sure speak of him with so much pride, are you sure you aren't in love with the boss?" Dean teasingly said before roaring into laughing. His glee was cut short with a smack to the head with a bunch of files.

Just then, a young lady entered the accounting department, holding a briefcase, she carried no scent as she briskly walked into the room without as much sound as her presence was void, she approached Lady Anastasia and handed her the letter before greeting her with hand signs:" My greeting Miss Anastasia, these are our next of action" immediately her presence dissipated. Anastasia grew a complicated expression after the interaction; however, she quickly moved over it and opened the letter. "THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE TRYING TO MAKE A PROFIT BY IGNITING A CONFLICT BETWEEN THE SYNDICATE AND THE HOUNDS, "written with a bold red marker on the parchment. She gently removed her glove, and with a slight touch, the parchment turned to ashes. She promptly tilted her neck before waving her hand toward Dean immediately. The hairs on his neck stood on end, and he immediately went straight to work with no grumble in this distance…

In an empty room underground in the facility…

A body bag was slammed into the white room the only sound emerging out of the interaction was that of a man coughing out blood, he squirmed out of the body, bloodied all around and with rage-filled eyes. The shadowy figure approached him, "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH THEM, THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, PLEASE I AM SORRY, FORGIVE ME, NO NO NO FORGIVE THEM I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST DON'T TORTURE THEM!" as the middle age man pleaded with his mangled jaw.

Shadow kicked him to the left as he coldly spoke," If you feared for the life of your family so darn much, you wouldn't have betrayed us. Or is it because you thought we weren't as cruel as the hounds who sent you after us? So foolish, how do you think we've survived this long? Why do you think the Hounds themselves have not taken action against us? Let me clue you in: it's because they fear what happened to Deviants will happen to them. We treated you right out of respect for being in the family, yet you spat on our name and disgraced us. As you spat on boss Leon's respect, we shall spit on the desecrated corpse of your wife and daughter. You, I, and the whole syndicate will have a standing ovation on what it means to cross the Syndicate.

Suddenly, a ferocious yet high-pitched scream echoed as images of Marcus's wife being tortured echoed on a screen.

In the initiation conference…

Members of the syndicate sitting in an auditorium watched as Marcus was driven to insanity, he dug his fingers into his eyes to see no evil, pierced his ear to hear no evil, and ripped his fingers to do no evil. As the scene unfolded, Shadow shouted," CHANT THE SYNDICATE ANTHEM!" and with this, almost all the initiating members watched the scenery with fervor and tears full of reverence filling their eyes. Those who so ever did not hold reverence to such beauty were gunned down as they had no resolve to uphold the family values.

Leon viewed this event from a holographic before entering the run-down bar with a conflicting expression.

What do you think of the book cover?
 

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The_Monarchy

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Iwriteforfun

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I personally prefer slow starts to novels with more character development and world building first, but I don't mind some good ol' action!
weird details like "chronos something watch" or "something 9th generation car" which put off the reader's immersion honestly.
Next, your dialogue can be refined a bit, but it's fine and natural for the most part. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE I CAN READ! DON'T USE ALL CAPS ANYWHERE! The reader is smart enough to understand through exclamation marks and some description what you want to portray. It just screams bad ability in description if you resort to those tactics.
It's not perfect but you can make small changes to make it readable and good. Overall I would say you are already in the 98th percentile of authors because most of them fumble with basic grammar and sentence structure. You can write good prose and I can see that, just focus on the fine tuning and you'll be good to go.
About the first point, I'll just illustrate why it sounds off.
"Hey everyone, I am an author who drives his kids home everyday, in a car, Hyundai Xxx pro max, and my kids use the Apsara pencil to write. They play some basketball with Nike shoes and UCB clothes on! And guess where they get their energy from? The food they eat! which is specially prepared by their mother using FCCI approved products from reputed companies like Nestle..." You get it, it reads like ass right?

Anyways, I give it a 4 out of 5, just fine tune it and it's a solid 4.5.
If you ever post your book, I'll leave a five star review to encourage you, so please do the same.
 
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The_Monarchy

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I personally prefer slow starts to novels with more character development and world building first, but I don't mind some good ol' action!
weird details like "chronos something watch" or "something 9th generation car" which put off the reader's immersion honestly.
Next, your dialogue can be refined a bit, but it's fine and natural for the most part. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE I CAN READ! DON'T USE ALL CAPS ANYWHERE! The reader is smart enough to understand through exclamation marks and some description what you want to portray. It just screams bad ability in description if you resort to those tactics.
It's not perfect but you can make small changes to make it readable and good. Overall I would say you are already in the 98th percentile of authors because most of them fumble with basic grammar and sentence structure. You can write good prose and I can see that, just focus on the fine tuning and you'll be good to go.
About the first point, I'll just illustrate why it sounds off.
"Hey everyone, I am an author who drives his kids home everyday, in a car, Hyundai Xxx pro max, and my kids use the Apsara pencil to write. They play with some basketball with Nike shoes and UCB clothes on! And guess where they get their energy from? The food they eat! which is specially prepared by their mother using FCCI approved products from reputed companies like Nestle..." You get it, it reads like ass right?

Anyways, I give it a 4 out of 5, just fine tune it and it's a solid 4.5.
If you ever post your book, I'll leave a five star review to encourage you, so please do the same.
Thank you so much for your review. I am reading your story right now. The thing about the caps, thank you. I was thinking about whether or not I should include it.

What's your opinion about the cover?
 

Iwriteforfun

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Thank you so much for your review. I am reading your story right now. The thing about the caps, thank you. I was thinking about whether or not I should include it.

What's your opinion about the cover?
Good. Remove the "by monarch" part and shift it to the bottom. Only mention your pen name or your name don't include the "by"
 

CharlesEBrown

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I would suggest removing the first "The" - "Rise of the Crime Lord" may be more evocative than "The Rise of the Crime Lord" - then reduce the font size on the "By Line" to maybe half or 2/3 the current size and move it to one of the bottom corners of the image and increase the size of the actual title one "point".

Then again, I don't have covers on either of my stories yet so take that with a grain of salt... :D
 

The_Monarchy

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I would suggest removing the first "The" - "Rise of the Crime Lord" may be more evocative than "The Rise of the Crime Lord" - then reduce the font size on the "By Line" to maybe half or 2/3 the current size and move it to one of the bottom corners of the image and increase the size of the actual title one "point".

Then again, I don't have covers on either of my stories yet so take that with a grain of salt... :D
Thank you very much, I will make changes to the suggestions made. What are your thoughts about the chapter apart from the CAPs?
 

CharlesEBrown

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Thank you very much, I will make changes to the suggestions made. What are your thoughts about the chapter apart from the CAPs?
Looks like you have a good core concept here but there are some odd ... quirks. Several points it looks like the ideas were coming out faster than you could write them and some details fell through the resulting cracks. There is also at least one strange shift in tense that just feels like a speed bump. It looks like it could use a good proofreader/editor, but it does feel like, with that polish, it could definitely shine.
 

The_Monarchy

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Looks like you have a good core concept here but there are some odd ... quirks. Several points it looks like the ideas were coming out faster than you could write them and some details fell through the resulting cracks. There is also at least one strange shift in tense that just feels like a speed bump. It looks like it could use a good proofreader/editor, but it does feel like, with that polish, it could definitely shine.
I'm glad you spotted that, I seem to do that in whatever writing media I work on, it could be an essay, letter, or even debate. I mostly go over it but the ideas and what's on the paper tend to mix up. I would like a good proofreader but I can only pay the person if I start earning I doubt anyone would take that offer. Thank you very much. I will strive to improve as always.
 
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CharlesEBrown

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I'm glad you spotted that, I seem to that in whatever writing media I work on, it could be an essay, letter, or even debate. I mostly go over it but the ideas and what's on the paper tend to mix up. I would like a good proofreader but I can only pay the person if I start earning I doubt anyone would take that offer. Thank you very much. I will strive to improve as always.
I noticed it because it was a constant problem of my own (and may be part of why my handwriting is so gawdawful I HAD to learn to type to write anything). It is something that takes practice to overcome (and I am sure I still fall prey to it). I understand the lack of funds being an issue (there myself).
 

The_Monarchy

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I noticed it because it was a constant problem of my own (and may be part of why my handwriting is so gawdawful I HAD to learn to type to write anything). It is something that takes practice to overcome (and I am sure I still fall prey to it). I understand the lack of funds being an issue (there myself).
No matter what happens I will reach the end of this novel and publish it?
 

AncestorDuck

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Kinda late, but you try to combine to many things in one paragraph. Take it slowly, and set things up.
 

The_Monarchy

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Kinda late, but you try to combine to many things in one paragraph. Take it slowly, and set things up.
Thank you very much, sometimes I feel like if I take my time, every single thing would become overly descriptive such as clothes, food, accessories, festivals, and locations.
 
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