I will tell you when and why I stopped reading your story.

[Verdante]

Let's go!

I stopped reading at:

I like this world building! But it feels odd for characters too just conveniently exposit without context. Like why are they talking about the shape of the world? Especially if neither character even knows what a planet is. Rather than saying it used to be part of a planet, maybe just say what shape and structure their world currently is? I'm not sure, just feels inorganic to me.
Also the phrasing of the second paragraph in that quote reads strangely to me:
"taking a turn more towards they were sinners or some such"
I had to read this twice to understand what this meant.

Neither of those points are why I stopped reading though! the main reason is because so far I don't care much for either character. I'm a very character focused reader, I think this might be another genre mismatch but for me I would want more characterization. I stopped reading because I was near the end of the chapter and just didn't really care about what happened next to these people.

Really I think I'm just not your target audience, other then a few odd sentences the writing is good. I think you're using your world building as a hook when an emotional hook would work better on me. And I think the amnesiac isn't the best start for that, since I can't relate to them.

I won't say you should do this, but if you wanted to write to please me and me specifically, I'd try to attach Cain's experience more to something I can relate to. The fear of the corpse, of the strange man, and the bewilderment and disgust at waking up in a swamp are a good start, but I'd focus more on those elements. For a reader like me I don't care about world building until I'm emotionally invested. Thundamoo's work is a good example of how to hook people into stories with unique worlds using emotion and characters.
But again, I'm probably not your target audience. So keep going! Have fun!


Batter up!
Disclaimer, I'm don't usually seek out girl love, so in truth I probably wouldn't have clicked on your title. I'm definitely not your target audience!
But I did read the first two chapters! It's pretty good! I like the prose and how descriptive you are.

As I said, I probably wouldn't of clicked on your story because it's not what I'm looking for, but I read anyway and stopped at:


I don't want flashbacks! Certainly not three chapters of them right at the start of the story! For the story's start give me the minimum information I need to understand what's happening, give me an emotional hook (which you did well), then start moving the story along! I'm not interested yet in these characters history together, most of their dynamic can probably be picked up from context once they start interacting in the present.

But! I'm not your target audience! Who cares about my preferences! Here's some nitpicks instead!

"She shook her umbrella off excess water and arranged it into the rack."
Replace 'off' with 'of', or reword entirely. 'She shook the water from her umbrella and placed it on the rack.' or something.

"In a realm bathed in eternal dawn, a delicate white butterfly threaded through the water, manifesting a small ripple in the tranquil pond."
I can't visualize this. 'threaded' implies going through a tight space, how does a butterfly thread a pond? Unless the butterfly is huge and the pond tiny.

Anyway! Good writing! Have fun!

thank you so much!! ?

 

[Azure_Fog]

Weird time skip! Which is a shame because I actually laughed during your first section. The sudden bullshit of "you were hit by a meteor, bum luck, have some powers thank you goodbye" felt fresh and cuts past the usual generic Isekai start
The problem is I've read a million Isekai already and even plenty of Isekai parodies (which I think this might be?

Technically it’s not a time skip, but I could have transitioned better. Also, I think this was before I marked who’s POV it was so extra confusion…
Also, I stole the ideo of getting hit by a meteor. Not in one’s sleep though.
As for it being an isekai parody, the answer is yes but not but sometimes yes. I run out of things to make fun of for a while then add in a few more jabs then it goes back to being isekai.

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[AstraMagically]

Can you do mine too?
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...is-run-by-players-western-cultivation-litrpg/
Thanks in advance!

 

[StarrGaze]

If you have time, I always appreciate an outside opinion:) Mine's in the signature. Apologies, it's a slow-start type of story. Thanks!

 

[OatMush]

Can you do mine too?
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...is-run-by-players-western-cultivation-litrpg/
Thanks in advance!

Ask and ye shall receive! It's pretty good! I read the first chapter and no immediate issues really stood out to me.
I would though put this in the "I've read too much like it before" category. This website is full of Isekai, gamelit and magic academy stories, so nothing in your first chapter really stood out to me.
There are 10,000 similar webnovels, light novels, anime and manga in these genres. You are competing with all of them. But! There are so many fictions in these genres because there are a lot of readers in these genres! So I wouldn't worry to much about feeling generic and your implementation seems pretty good.
I've added it to my read list, if I feel like reading another isekai/magic academy story at some point I may come back to it! Keep it up!

If you have time, I always appreciate an outside opinion:) Mine's in the signature. Apologies, it's a slow-start type of story. Thanks!

I have all the time for you in the world!
I stopped here:

"The further he explored, he couldn't shake the growing feeling that the books held more than just words. There was a subtle energy in the air that hinted at something beyond the ordinary. Surely it wasn’t because of the conspicuous glow emanating from the books."

I like how descriptive you are, but I'm having issues visualising what you're describing. Earlier you said:
"Nothing seemed out of the ordinary."
But are the books glowing? Also I couldn't tell on my first reading how many of his memories does Allen have. Does he know his own name? Or is that just an omniscient narrator? Does he know where he is? If he doesn't know how can he know nothing seems out of the ordinary?
Remember I have the attention span of a budgerigar, when I'm looking for something new to read I'll start 10 stories before I settle on something. Until I'm invested it only takes 1 thing I don't like and I'll leave.

So that's where I left organically, but I did read a bit further for the sake of review.

"Exiting the maze of novels, Allen finally stepped onto the old staircase near the back of the store. Despite its outward appearance, the stairs were sturdy with no disturbing creaks under his weight as he made his way to the second floor."
Kind of a similar issue with my ability to visualise what's happening. I got the impression from the previous paragraph that a particular book just caught his attention, so why is he walking up the stairs now? If something like this happened in chapter 50, I would probably be invested enough to keep reading but in chapter 1 I'm too impatient. This paragraph boils down to "character I don't care about, does something I don't understand, for reasons I don't care to learn".
You obviously have a good mental picture of what's happening, and you're good at describing the ambience, but as a new reader I'm not able to follow what's happening and why.
But! These are fairly nitpicky issues with easy solutions! Keep going! Have fun!

Technically it’s not a time skip, but I could have transitioned better. Also, I think this was before I marked who’s POV it was so extra confusion…
Also, I stole the ideo of getting hit by a meteor. Not in one’s sleep though.
As for it being an isekai parody, the answer is yes but not but sometimes yes. I run out of things to make fun of for a while then add in a few more jabs then it goes back to being isekai.

Thanks for the feedback!

You're welcome for the feedback! Remember this thread is just about why I stopped reading, so my experience reading your story isn't universal. If it wasn't a time skip it still felt like one to me. And to be honest, I would've probably still stopped reading there even if I understood it was a POV change, why are you changing perspective so soon? At least introduce your (presumably) main character before transitioning.

thank you so much!! ?

Anytime!

Thank you for the feedback, its unfortunate I didn't focus on emotions in the beginning. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and give me some feedback

I just also wanted to add, the stories I'm trying to make are ones anyone can enjoy in one way or another. I know it's impossible especially with this story because I leaned into many extremes but that is how I want my writing to be, something anyone can pick up and get lost in, my end goal as you will.

Just wanted to add that tidbit because I appreciate you telling me about the less emotional start. Again, thank you for everything.

You're very welcome!
Honestly I would give up on being a universal writer. I know people who never liked Harry Potter, and personally I think Shakespeare and Dickens are over rated. Nothing is universally enjoyed.

 

[Eelphen]

Please, check out my story.

Empire: playing dice

'Gods are playing dice with our lives. Never forget that.' In a realm where power and politics weave an intricate tapestry, Lord Arlo and Princess Laa, aided by their unwavering companions, Yew and Dan, become embroiled in the enigmatic web of imperial intrigue. As they embark on a perilous...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you!

 

[StarrGaze]

Hmm, I see your point. Sometimes I forget my reader doesn’t already know the story like I do. Many thanks ?

 

[HelloHound]

I've seen this thread floating around and now I'm succumbing to my curiosity

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

my story can be an acquired taste but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts

 

[OatMush]

Please, check out my story.

Empire: playing dice

'Gods are playing dice with our lives. Never forget that.' In a realm where power and politics weave an intricate tapestry, Lord Arlo and Princess Laa, aided by their unwavering companions, Yew and Dan, become embroiled in the enigmatic web of imperial intrigue. As they embark on a perilous...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you!

Let's go let's go let's go!
Ok I'll warn I'm not super into court drama. So I probably would have stopped at your summary! But I gave it a go anyway!

And it was good!
I've read chapters 1&2 for now but I intend to read more when I have time and once the sun leaves.
You do a good job giving me all the information I need to understand what's happening without diving into exposition dumps. Your conversation with the envoy sets up a natural feeling way to describe their province's economy and recent events in an interesting way. And through Laa's perspective and her embarassment and anxiety there is an emotional reason to remain engaged.
In general I quite like Laa as a character, a female lead who isn't conventionally attractive feels refreshing, and she's a perfect stand in for the audience because she–like us–is ignorant of her country's politics.
You almost lost me in the first chapter through Arlo's perspective–I worried he was too cold and calculating. But by showing his relationship with Laa you dissuaded me of my worry. I like that he legitimately cares for her, but also feels frustrated by her and wants to see her stress a bit, but feels guilty for thinking that. I also don't normally like frequent POV swaps, but yours felt very natural.
So yeah, it's good, added to reading list and gave you a 5* rating. Hope you find success here! Keep going! Have fun!

There was a formatting error though:
"Rather, his thoughts were"

I've seen this thread floating around and now I'm succumbing to my curiosity

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

my story can be an acquired taste but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts

Hohohoho let's go!
Man my cuppeth overfloweth today! Another good one!
I like the style. The character seems fun and I like their perspective. I like body horror stories and vomiting cubes is a new one! I don't normally like amnesiac characters but since the character seems to be a toddler that doesn't really matter anyway!
I wasn't so sure about the garbled text at first but it grew on me once I realised it was meant to represent a child learning their first language. My only complaint was I wasn't sure how much effort I should put into deciphering it, I wasn't sure if there was important information hidden in the garble.
Will keep reading, but the temperature in Australia is rising and oatmush is getting cranky and not in a good mood for fair review! Actually that's why I waited a day before reviewing either of my offerings! Blame my forsaken country for the short review! Added to reading list, gave 5* review! Keep writing! I'll keep reading once Satan has left my country! Have fun!

 

[nii07]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

 

[PBJ_Time]

Oh, me, me! I hope the formatting doesn't burn your retinas. This was originally gonna be uploaded as a PDF, but it still needs work.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

 

[OatMush]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

Hmm... Yeah I suppose 2 is fine, I never said anywhere that it wasn't, although forgive me if I half-ass my already half-assed review process. Here we go!

My Goddess Mother Gave Me A SYSTEM AND KICKED ME OUT
Well, firstly, I probably would of clicked away after the synopsis. This is personal taste, but that's too much detail said about your premise, in too many words. Its first paragraph describes almost any isekai.
"The soul is approached by a primordial goddess of chaos and is asked by the goddess"
Feels too wordy and awkwardly phrased, remember your synopsis is my first impression of your story. I haven't started reading chapter 1 and my budgerigar brain is already loosing interest.
The next place you would loose me, is in the tag 'Harem', I am not your target audience I think. So organically that's where I would stop. However of course I did read your first chapter for the sake of giving some more meaningful opinions.

It's pretty good. If it wasn't for the synopsis and the knowledge that'll become a Harem, I would of read past the first chapter at least. So I'd say it's a competent entry in a genre this single reader doesn't care for. Good job! So here's some nitpicks.

1- I don't like your spacing, really big paragraph breaks. Worse, because they're all so long, they don't seperate actual seperate sections. For example, when you jump scene from the void to the light and dark entities, new scene, same paragraph break size.

2- This is really minor, but I have issue with the term 'Void of Chaos', this is entirely subjective but this feels like a contradiction to me. Also, a bit generic? What exactly about a white sphere in a blank void is chaotic? Set Nix's domain inside a raging storm cloud or something, you haven't grabbed my imagination.

3- [I'm not a huge fan of this kind of punctuation gimmick], they said, oat meal leaking from their ears. I think if you want a gimmick to visually demonstrate Nix as a strange kind of entity, I'd personally like a better gimmick. Like change the text size, or colour. It feels to me as half-assed as my review process. But again, subjective.

4- "so you have popped yet", this one's just a typo, I assume you meant 'haven't'.

All in all, competent, but the summary, tags and imagery aren't for me.

Bleach: Gazing Mirage
Yeah, like ok. Sorry, I'm really not your target audience. I think your synopsis is better on this one, and I'm not turned away by the tags except maybe the fanfiction one. But eh... This one cares little for Bleach, so, I'm gonna fulfill my promise of half-assing my process. You lost me at the title, the synopsis, and the tags.
Nothing I read suggests to me you're not a good writer, just not for me. But who cares about me! Keep doing you! Have fun!

Oh, me, me! I hope the formatting doesn't burn your retinas. This was originally gonna be uploaded as a PDF, but it still needs work.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

Alright laddy-boy Jimbo, let's go!

I stopped reading at:

Harald sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Must I remind your vacant heads every few seconds? I’ve not been a king since—”

Well, I really like your descriptions. The mental imagery and depiction of the belligerent gods is great, I also like your names, formatting and lack of grammatical mistakes. You seem like a very capable writer... I just really don't like your character. He comes off as over capable and too confident. Why's he bored? Even if he doesn't think he's in danger, or if this is all some plan he's got under control. Why is he bored meeting the gods? In the heavenly court, which you very lovingly described? Can't relate. I'm not your target audience, I would at least be curious about the situation.

So I think you're capable, and definitely should keep writing, just not my thing! Have fun!

 

[PBJ_Time]

Hmm... Yeah I suppose 2 is fine, I never said anywhere that wasn't, although forgive mid I half-ass my already half-assed review process. Here we go!

My Goddess Mother Gave Me A SYSTEM AND KICKED ME OUT
Well, firstly, I probably would of clicked away after the synopsis. This is personal taste, but that's too much detail said about your premise in too many words. Its first paragraph just describes almost any isekai.
"The soul is approached by a primordial goddess of chaos and is asked by the goddess"
Feels too wordy and awkwardly phrased, remember your synopsis is my first impression of your story. I haven't started waning chapter 1 and my budgerigar brain is already loosing interest.
The next place you would loose me, is in the tag 'Harem', I am not your target audience I think. So organically that's where I would stop. However of course I did read your first chapter for sake of giving some more meaningful opinions.

It's pretty good. If it wasn't for the synopsis and the knowledge that'll become a Harem, I would of read past the first chapter at least. So I'd say it's a competent entry in a genre this single reader doesn't care for. Good job! So here's some nitpicks.

1- I don't like your spacing, really big paragraph breaks. Worse, because they're all so long, they don't seperate actually seperate sections. For example, when you jump scene from the void to the light and dark entities, new scene, same paragraph break.

2- This is really minor, but I have issue with the term 'Void of Chaos', this is entirely subjective but this feels like a contradiction to me. Also, a bit generic? What exactly about a white sphere in a blank void is chaotic? Set Nix's domain inside a raging storm cloud or something, you haven't grabbed my imagination.

3- [I'm not a huge fan of this kind of punctuation gimmick], they said, oat meal leaking from their ears. I think if you want a gimmick to visually demonstrate Nix as a strange kind of entity, I'd personally like a better gimmick. Like change the text size, or colour. It feels to me as half-assed as my review process. But again, subjective.

4- "so you have popped yet", this one's just a typo, I assume you meant 'haven't'.

All in all, competent, but the summary, tags and imagery aren't for me.

Bleach: Gazing Mirage
Yeah, like ok. Sorry, I'm really not your target audience. I think your synopsis is better on this one, and I'm not turned away by the tags except maybe the fanfiction one. But eh... This one cares little of Bleach, so, I'm gonna fulfill my promise of half-assing my process. You lost me at the title, the synopsis, and the tags.
Nothing I read suggests to me you're not a good writer, just not for me. But who cares about me! Keep doing you! Have fun!



Alright laddy-boy Jimbo, let's go!

I stopped reading at:

Harald sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Must I remind your vacant heads every few seconds? I’ve not been a king since—”

Well, I really like your descriptions. The mental imagery and depiction of the belligerent gods is great, I also like your names, formatting and lack of grammatical mistakes. You seem like a very capable writer... I just really don't like your character. He comes off as over capable and too confident. Why's he bored? Even if he doesn't think he's in danger, or if this is all some plan he's got under control. Why is he bored meeting the gods? In the heavenly court, which you very lovingly described? Can't relate. I'm not your target audience, I would at least be curious about the situation.

So I think you're capable, and definitely should keep writing, just not my thing! Have fun!

Oh, he's not the main character. He's just another recurring character in the prologue, hence why he has a different name. His confidence is also justified because he actually won and escaped in the end. All in all, he's not the MC.

 

[bulmabriefs144]

Okay, I already know why you would stop reading Oracle of Tao (it's incredibly long, and ranty in places), so try this one out.

Town of Winter

It's a novel based on a dream that I had one time (Just a warning, it has a fairly slow start. It's a biography of my life up to a certain age with fantasy elements thrown in, then gradually kinda becomes trippier and trippier). I'm not sure how to define...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rhaps]

I could guess where you would stop reading, since I did set up a few niche filters.

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she was. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represented by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities were...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Karit]

I am a new writer and some review of my story would be nice.

The Black Forest

The Forest has one rule: don’t speak, and humanity just broke it. Now the Forest will show why that rule exists. A one shot exploring a realistic, depressing, and dehumanizing reality of an interstellar wars. This one shot is base of the dark forest hypothesis.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[OatMush]

Okay, I already know why you would stop reading Oracle of Tao (it's incredibly long, and ranty in places), so try this one out.

Town of Winter

It's a novel based on a dream that I had one time (Just a warning, it has a fairly slow start. It's a biography of my life up to a certain age with fantasy elements thrown in, then gradually kinda becomes trippier and trippier). I'm not sure how to define...

www.scribblehub.com

Ok!
I stopped here:

turning the demons within a 30 foot diameter to bones, then turning those bones into dust

This is another one I'd say was a death of a thousand cuts. Nothing was awful, and you seem to have plenty of ideas, but there is a lot of odd English and in my opinion unwanted exposition dumps. I've highlighted a few:

As she watched however, the recognized form of God fell away, and I stared at my own face, identical except for clothing
Is this story in first or third person? Who's 'she' at the start of this paragraph? Is it god watching? But until this sentence god was a triangle, which hardly seems effeminate.

Alethea woke up from her bed with a start. The town she was living in was known as the town of Winter.
Soooo.... Huh? Why are you explaining her town as soon as she wakes up? Describe Alethea, her room or something else immediately relevant. I don't care about the town yet, you just introduced the presumably main character, tell me about her before exposition dumping.

And then there was the magic, what was at this time called divine art
I don't care. I'm a very character orientated reader, I don't care about lore until I'm invested. Also, I assume there's a reason, but why explain things from the distant future to me now? Just focus on describing the present me thinks.

Hellfire was nothing to mess with, but they deflected it as easily as
As what? The sentence isn't finished

Demons had attacked this town before, but her mom and dad were considered heroes because they singlehandedly fought off a scouting unit that time
Really strange wording, you'll need someone who's better at English than me to tell you what's wrong with it, but it reads strangely. Maybe reword to something like:
"Her mom and dad had become heroes of the town when they protected it from a demon scouting unit."

Over all, the issue for me is the writing. The flow from one paragraph to the next feels disjointed. I'm assuming the main character died and was sent back in time? Otherwise I don't know why you're telling me about magic in the future. You do seem to have a lot of ideas so I think with some editing this could be the kind of story I like. Keep going! Have fun!

I could guess where you would stop reading, since I did set up a few niche filters.

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she was. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represented by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities were...

www.scribblehub.com

Niche or not let's go!

I read until the end of the second chapter. It's pretty good but I'm not really your target audience and I was turned away by the number of mistakes.

like an infant who suddenly gain the body of a fully grown adult.
gained

Her gem let out a low hum only she noticed.
Weird visualisation, she has yet to meet anyone else, when would of anyone of noticed?

She felt the black contorted, decreasing inside the wall leaving the barrier more fragile than ever,
contort, also what does decreasing mean in this context?

Project Belial
Not a mistake, I just think it's funny two submissions in a row contain the word 'Belial'

Director... what does being a Director means?
.... He directs ....

That is a Gem, an object which held power beyond human understanding. The people who hold these Gems are called Gem Holders. Where do these Gems come from? Nobody knows, they just one day appeared around the world and nearly brought the end."
This is awkward I think. I could of guessed in context someone called a gem holder is called that because they're holding a gem.

"Anymore? I am all ears.",
Any more, not anymore. Also weird punctuation

"Thank you for your visiting."
Visit, weird tense

Charlotte quietly followed the Director through the steel door. She was met without people wearing lab coats running down the hallway, they all carried in their arms papers, and important documents, the amount varied between people, some has just a few sheets while some carried stacks upon stacks of files.
Without people? Also this reads oddly to me, I could of probably guessed the researchers weren't all carrying the exact same amount of paperwork, you don't need to tell me that.


Overall it seems interesting, but I'm assuming you either aren't a native English speaker or need to spend more time editing. But these are fairly minor concerns! Have fun!

I am a new writer and some review of my story would be nice.

The Black Forest

The Forest has one rule: don’t speak, and humanity just broke it. Now the Forest will show why that rule exists. A one shot exploring a realistic, depressing, and dehumanizing reality of an interstellar wars. This one shot is base of the dark forest hypothesis.

www.scribblehub.com

Wow! Very new! According to timestamps this was just posted a few hours ago! I will do my best to give you useful feedback.

...Well I finished it because it was so short. I did start quoting the mistakes that I noticed, but there were so many I decided it would be easier to just say there are a lot. I would recommend something like Grammarly, it's good at catching weird punctuation and mismatched tenses and the like.
But I'm not sure that's the biggest issue, I feel like you've just badly summarised a Kurzgesagt video, without really adding anything new to their story.

As a first attempt at writing, I think it's fine, but needs a lot of work. So.... Have fun doing that!

Oh, he's not the main character. He's just another recurring character in the prologue, hence why he has a different name. His confidence is also justified because he actually won and escaped in the end. All in all, he's not the MC.

I'm not sure you understood the point of this thread....
Remember everything I say is from the perspective of only one possible reader and so my advice is opinionated.
It doesn't matter whether or not he's the MC, he's the character you introduce the story with, and he's insufferable. (In my opinion)

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Really enjoyed reading the reviews! You provided thorough examples of where people can improve, and left quite a bit for readers who were not the subject of the review to learn from as well (if they did make the effort to read them).

You are blunt in a manner that only adds to your conciseness and brevity, rather than being offputting to the reviewee.

Delightfully enthusiastic for everything as well, and surprisingly considerate for what I expected from the premise of the review. After all, you show a thoughtful and great balance of compliments to criticism.

You are very clear about which is your personal, subjective views and which is the objective analysis, avoiding treading on toes and improving the review as a teaching aid.

I enjoyed the freeform, and tailored-to-story approach of your reviews!

 

[Nyghtwryter]

Would love a review!

The Last Prince of Rennaya

 

[bulmabriefs144]

Ok!
I stopped here:

turning the demons within a 30 foot diameter to bones, then turning those bones into dust

This is another one I'd say was a death of a thousand cuts. Nothing was awful, and you seem to have plenty of ideas, but there is a lot of odd English and in my opinion unwanted exposition dumps. I've highlighted a few:

As she watched however, the recognized form of God fell away, and I stared at my own face, identical except for clothing
Is this story in first or third person? Who's 'she' at the start of this paragraph? Is it god watching? But until this sentence god was a triangle, which hardly seems effeminate.

I'll have to look at that sentence. Ah, it's a flashback from another book. I think it was originally changed from third person to first, so there's some clunkiness going on.

Alethea woke up from her bed with a start. The town she was living in was known as the town of Winter.
Soooo.... Huh? Why are you explaining her town as soon as she wakes up? Describe Alethea, her room or something else immediately relevant. I don't care about the town yet, you just introduced the presumably main character, tell me about her before exposition dumping.

And then there was the magic, what was at this time called divine art
I don't care. I'm a very character orientated reader, I don't care about lore until I'm invested. Also, I assume there's a reason, but why explain things from the distant future to me now? Just focus on describing the present me thinks.

Yeah, exposition...

Hellfire was nothing to mess with, but they deflected it as easily as
As what? The sentence isn't finished

Aaaagh, I always do that. I think what happens is I'm in the middle of a thought, and then life happens and I get called away. I think I fixed that sentence later, when publishing the book, but I have no idea what I wrote. "...As something easy to deflect!"

Demons had attacked this town before, but her mom and dad were considered heroes because they singlehandedly fought off a scouting unit that time
Really strange wording, you'll need someone who's better at English than me to tell you what's wrong with it, but it reads strangely. Maybe reword to something like:
"Her mom and dad had become heroes of the town when they protected it from a demon scouting unit."

Over all, the issue for me is the writing. The flow from one paragraph to the next feels disjointed. I'm assuming the main character died and was sent back in time? Otherwise I don't know why you're telling me about magic in the future. You do seem to have a lot of ideas so I think with some editing this could be the kind of story I like. Keep going! Have fun!

Yeah, it turns out to be a dream of the actual main (who was kinda isekai'd). Basically, this is a dream within a dream.