First chapter feedback

[Psycholor]

I recently started a second story, with the goal of exploring some different themes to my first. The thing is, I've learned a lot since the first chapter of my first series.

My beta readers for my first series were kind enough to help out and give their thoughts on this one, but I want to try and get a wider range of feedback on this intro outside the scope of people who are already used to my style.

The shorthand title is Demon Queen

It is a Gender Bender reincarnation isekai, of the recovered memories style, with a twist that the memories of the life prior to regaining memories have been sealed.

Synopsis:

Timothy lived a simple life. He followed a routine, did decently in school, and in his free time enjoyed playing grand strategy and resource management games. He had a clear goal and was working his best to achieve it.

Everything changed when he saved the life of a little girl who had fallen in front of an oncoming truck and woke up in the body of Eira. Lacking all but the vaguest memories of his time in the afterlife, Timothy only knows that he agreed to do some sort of task, and was able to make a few requests. He certainly didn't request to become a woman though!

Not having long to figure things out, Timothy almost immediately finds himself on the run, as it seems Eira has a bad history with the church. They even call her a demon! To make matters worse, her memories are seemingly locked away leaving Timothy with very little to go on as he tries to navigate a world of magic and science, controlled by the church and various mega-corporations.

Will he be able to figure things out, before Eira stirs? And why does magic make his forehead itchy? With many questions and few answers, Timothy knows one thing for certain: "I hate RPGs! What do you mean I have levels and stats!?"

 

[Cipiteca396]

Not fond of the first half of the prologue. After the first few paragraphs, the pre-reincarnation stuff started to feel tedious, and I started skimming through the rest. After reincarnation, things started to get interesting again, but it cut out before I could really build up interest.

That said, I'm not sure you need to change anything. It's readable, if a little quirky. I didn't notice any egregious errors. And the build up for the next chapter IS promising, just not enough to make me come back later. For a reader who picks it up once the next chapter is released, it won't be a problem.

The tags are kinda scary though. From the synopsis, I guess Eira and Timmy will be having words, later.

 

[Psycholor]

Not fond of the first half of the prologue. After the first few paragraphs, the pre-reincarnation stuff started to feel tedious, and I started skimming through the rest. After reincarnation, things started to get interesting again, but it cut out before I could really build up interest.

That said, I'm not sure you need to change anything. It's readable, if a little quirky. I didn't notice any egregious errors. And the build up for the next chapter IS promising, just not enough to make me come back later. For a reader who picks it up once the next chapter is released, it won't be a problem.

The tags are kinda scary though. From the synopsis, I guess Eira and Timmy will be having words, later.

Thanks, that's honestly what I was worried about; I hate flashbacks to the pre-reincarnation in the middle of a story, so I tried to frontload Timothy's characterization. That's the sort of writing my beta readers have gotten used to, hence why I wanted to grab outside opinions.

I did the same thing in my other story, and the general consensus was that I took way too long at it (10k words...), so this time I tried to do everything in under 3k.

 

[Anon_Y_Mousse]

This might be my preference, but honestly, I agree with cipitica on the first half, the prologue was tedious. The point of a first chapter is to hook your audience and establish expectations of the story's mood.



The scene with the Chinese food and little girl was fine. That could've been it.


Everything before that? Could've been shortened or placed on the latter half of the story tbh, a side story if you're adverse to having it in the middle of plot. It doesn't really give me a feel for the story. Unless it's somehow important to his character. It doesn't seem to be the case, though.


The abrupt transition was really well done. Shows the confusion of the MC and how everything just suddenly changed. Feels like a dream in a sense, which is a relatively realistic reaction.

Anyways, it's good, but I felt that it could be more interesting. It didn't really give me an idea of what's to come rather than "Oh so this is MC's previous life, and a little build up to the actual story. Cool."

 

[Irl_Rat]

I slightly disagree with the other posts in the sense that having the mc discuss strategy games might be of value, since it's a skill that needs to be set up if you want to use it later.

Regarding the mc's interactions with his family and his flippant behavior in class, it shows that the mc doesn't seem to care much for the opinions of others. But the issue is that it's unnecessarily long and basic interactions in the new world will do a better job of it.

Additionally, annoying readers will get nitpicky about the mc mentally complaining about his financial situation and how his parents don't seem to be on board with his aspirations. But these are likely the same type of people that want a Gary stu that ignores social norms and does whatever he wants with no consideration of how actual social interactions work.

 

[Psycholor]

This might be my preference, but honestly, I agree with cipetica on the first half, the prologue was tedious. The point of a first chapter is to hook your audience and establish expectations of the story's mood.



The scene with the Chinese food and little girl was fine. That could've been it.


Everything before that? Could've been shortened or placed on the latter half of the story tbh, a side story if you're adverse to having it in the middle of plot. It doesn't really give me a feel for the story. Unless it's somehow important to his character. It doesn't seem to be the case, though.


The abrupt transition was really well done. Shows the confusion of the MC and how everything just suddenly changed. Feels like a dream in a sense, which is a relatively realistic reaction.

Anyways, it's good, but I felt that it could be more interesting. It didn't really give me an idea of what's to come rather than "Oh so this is MC's previous life, and a little build up to the actual story. Cool."

Hmm, the problem with that is the Amnesia Tag thing; Timothy's memories are the only memories he has, Eira's are sealed... The reason I spent so much time on the pre-reincarnation bits, is because they establish things about his personality that are immediately relevant in the next several chapters. Perhaps publishing in bulk 2-3 chapters would have been a better choice. Either way, thank you for your input!

I slightly disagree with the other posts in the sense that having the mc discuss strategy games might be of value, since it's a skill that needs to be set up if you want to use it later.

Regarding the mc's interactions with his family and his flippant behavior in class, it shows that the mc doesn't seem to care much for the opinions of others. But the issue is that it's unnecessarily long and basic interactions in the new world will do a better job of it.

Additionally, annoying readers will get nitpicky about the mc mentally complaining about his financial situation and how his parents don't seem to be on board with his aspirations. But these are likely the same type of people that want a Gary stu that ignores social norms and does whatever he wants with no consideration of how actual social interactions work.

I get those readers already with my first story, so I am not worried about them. What I need to establish in the first chapter is the MC's personality and basic values; they have the same amount of information about the new world as the reader and are immediately thrown into a really bad situation. Since the MC is on the same level as the reader, I was trying to create a point of reference in the MC the reader can use. It seems like, from the three replies I've gotten so far, that I was at least partially successful.

 

[greyblob]

very, very overdescriptive. you spend more time talking about him checking his phone and playing a videogame than you do on the truck scene. that scene particularly stood out. it's the most important bit out of the whole chapter yet it feels like it was glossed over, incomplete.
and this is misplaced imo.

If this was a Light Novel or an Anime, I would throw her behind me, essentially trading places with her. Fortunately, it was neither of those things, and I wasn’t a dumbass. It is a little-known fact, but little girls aged six to seven do not weigh very much.

the action is interrupted to add this snippet. it takes away any intensity I could've felt for the scene, plus it's very cheesy.
the writing quality is good. I just think you need to show more about his physical state - how his heart is pumping, how he can hear his pulse in his ears, how his body is shaking etc. also, he's too clearheaded especially when he's full of adrenaline.
example:

It took me a moment more to catch my breath enough to choke out a few words. But eventually I managed it, “Don’t, worry, about, it.” The woman kept trying to thank me, offering me dinner and what have you, but I already had food. Granted, I had dropped it, but it was inside of a cardboard box, inside of a plastic bag. Even if it got a bit mixed up it wouldn’t matter; it all went to the same place in the end.

this is fine, but it shouldn't even cross his mind at the time. I'd imagine he'd be thinking about going somewhere quiet, waiting for his body to stop shaking, wanting the woman to stop talking, wanting to sit down and breath, etc.
again, too clearheaded and detached (emotionally and physically).

anyways I agree with the rest of the reviews here. personally, I don't even read prologues - 90% of the time they're unnecessary. I don't know if there are others like me, but adding another chapter after prologue at release might be a good idea.

 

[Psycholor]

very, very overdescriptive. you spend more time talking about him checking his phone and playing a videogame than you do on the truck scene. that scene particularly stood out. it's the most important bit out of the whole chapter yet it feels like it was glossed over, incomplete.
and this is misplaced imo.

the action is interrupted to add this snippet. it takes away any intensity I could've felt for the scene, plus it's very cheesy.
the writing quality is good. I just think you need to show more about his physical state - how his heart is pumping, how he can hear his pulse in his ears, how his body is shaking etc. also, he's too clearheaded especially when he's full of adrenaline.
example:

this is fine, but it shouldn't even cross his mind at the time. I'd imagine he'd be thinking about going somewhere quiet, waiting for his body to stop shaking, wanting the woman to stop talking, wanting to sit down and breath, etc.
again, too clearheaded and detached (emotionally and physically).

anyways I agree with the rest of the reviews here. personally, I don't even read prologues - 90% of the time they're unnecessary. I don't know if there are others like me, but adding another chapter after prologue at release might be a good idea.

The detachment was intentional; to contrast with Eira later, but I may have taken it too far.

Thank you for the feedback, particularly about the tension break in the truck scene!

 

[greyblob]

The detachment was intentional; to contrast with Eira later, but I may have taken it too far.

yeah, I figured that might've been the case. it's very contrasted after the transition. keeping the physical conditions (and their effects) should be enough, I think.

 

[Cipiteca396]

Timothy's memories are the only memories he has, Eira's are sealed..

Fuck, somehow I thought Timothy's memories were the ones that got sealed since he was struggling to recall the conversation with the *---* and how he died. I'm just stupid though, because it's obvious that if he had Eira's memories he'd be running as soon as he woke up.

 

[Psycholor]

Fuck, somehow I thought Timothy's memories were the ones that got sealed since he was struggling to recall the conversation with the *---* and how he died. I'm just stupid though, because it's obvious that if he had Eira's memories he'd be running as soon as he woke up.

Yea, the mystery tag is pointed at Eira's past and the deal Timothy made, what he wound up agreeing to in order to get reincarnated.

Split Personalities/Transformation Power/Identity Crisis/The cover are all about the dynamic between Eira and Timothy.

The story though, is largely going to be told through Timothy's eyes, with his memories being the intact ones.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Did I already get you? If I haven't I will as soon as I get Epic of a Dragon Knight and Harbinger: Infinity.

 

[Psycholor]

Did I already get you? If I haven't I will as soon as I get Epic of a Dragon Knight and Harbinger: Infinity.

You did not, but I already gathered enough feedback, and the story has progressed as far as chapter nine.

I pinged you in another feedback thread that's been up since yesterday morning and is silent as a grave. Give that guy my spot if you would, he needs it way more than I do.