Would like some feedback please.

[Gryphon]

I've already asked about the first chapters of my story, but I would like to know what people think later on than just the first three or four chapters. I want to know if I'm getting better with my writing as I continue the story. I'm not just going to ask this in this thread, but I'm also going to put up a poll in my next chapter to see if my story has been getting better, but a poll doesn't really give advice. It just validates people's egos or destroys them.

Anyone wanting to know what my story is about before clicking on the sig/link, its about a shut-in author getting a new roommate. It turns out the roommate is a succubus and now he has to live with a sex demon who is growing less stable the more days that pass. It starts off fairly comedic and lighthearted, but there's a turning point that changes the tone to one of more depressing and a serial killer turns out to be on the loose. Currently there is 37 chapters, and I plan for there to be around 250 or more.

If anyone can give me some feedback about my story I'll be really appreciative. I'm wanting to write as a career and I want as honest of feedback as I can get. Here's the link and you can also check it out in the signature.

My Succubus Roommate

Also can anyone give any pointers on editing, cause my god that shit is difficult.

 

[2021]

I hate it. Not bad, I just hate most things.

But it’s smut, good luck

 

[greyblob]

I made it to chapter 5. the writing is nice. The only issue I saw is the constant wrong tenses.
tbh I'd have read more if it wasn't for the MC. he's the weakest point of this novel. he certainly doesn't seem 26. I don't think you could have made him seem any more of a horny loser. he's beyond obnoxious, and the snarky comments are very cringe. I understand how you wanted him to be seen, but it didn't come off right, or it didn't land with me. I didn't believe the girl with him is being genuine, which kept me engaged. getting ogled at and hearing sexual comments from someone you had literally just met doesn't sound fun. I thought she was trying to play along and deceive him somehow, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
one last thing I'd like to add is the meta narration. I'm not a fan of it. but again, that's just personal bias.

 

[Gryphon]

I made it to chapter 5. the writing is nice. The only issue I saw is the constant wrong tenses.
tbh I'd have read more if it wasn't for the MC. he's the weakest point of this novel. he certainly doesn't seem 26. I don't think you could have made him seem any more of a horny loser. he's beyond obnoxious, and the snarky comments are very cringe. I understand how you wanted him to be seen, but it didn't come off right, or it didn't land with me. I didn't believe the girl with him is being genuine, which kept me engaged. getting ogled at and hearing sexual comments from someone you had literally just met doesn't sound fun. I thought she was trying to play along and deceive him somehow, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
one last thing I'd like to add is the meta narration. I'm not a fan of it. but again, that's just personal bias.

Yeah I do have a problem with switching tenses. It happens unconsciously and its hard for me to point it out to myself. Then I publish it and don't have time to fix it because I'm writing the next chapter. That's kind of the reason for the last sentence in the thread.

As for the characters, you kind of hit the nail with how I want readers to see these characters. Ty isn't the best of people and he can come off as rather insensitive and stupid. This is by design because the whole idea that I have for him is to make him a better person. Not to mention, he is a loser. He doesn't know how to talk in anything but those quips which gets broken rather quickly. Though, if that's not your style of character, I completely understand. Just saying this now, once the first 50 or so chapters finish, you probably won't look at him the same way as before. Then I get to the fun part.

As for Harmony, she has a lot of hidden shit going on. And I mean a lot. I go into why she deals with Ty's constant remarks early on too which plays into where she comes from, who she is, as well as what she had to deal with before coming to human civilization. Everything I put into these characters have purpose to them which get resolved or brought up in some matter. From Ty's perverseness and snarky attitude to Harmony's secret about her homeland and who she really is as a person. Everything has a reason behind it.

As for the meta stuff, yeah I knew that it would get really troublesome if that's the peak of the "comedy" so I changed it up a lot more as time went on, especially when I pulled back the curtain. Like there's still some meta jokes here and there, but overall I make sure to spice it up a bit more. Although I cut back on jokes a lot more since after chapter 9, things start taking some interesting turns.

Although, if you still don't want to read it, that's fine. Everyone has their tastes, and so do I. What I may like could piss another person off. But, anyway, I hope you have some Happy Reading!

 

[greyblob]

Yeah I do have a problem with switching tenses. It happens unconsciously and its hard for me to point it out to myself. Then I publish it and don't have time to fix it because I'm writing the next chapter. That's kind of the reason for the last sentence in the thread.

As for the characters, you kind of hit the nail with how I want readers to see these characters. Ty isn't the best of people and he can come off as rather insensitive and stupid. This is by design because the whole idea that I have for him is to make him a better person. Not to mention, he is a loser. He doesn't know how to talk in anything but those quips which gets broken rather quickly. Though, if that's not your style of character, I completely understand. Just saying this now, once the first 50 or so chapters finish, you probably won't look at him the same way as before. Then I get to the fun part.

As for Harmony, she has a lot of hidden shit going on. And I mean a lot. I go into why she deals with Ty's constant remarks early on too which plays into where she comes from, who she is, as well as what she had to deal with before coming to human civilization. Everything I put into these characters have purpose to them which get resolved or brought up in some matter. From Ty's perverseness and snarky attitude to Harmony's secret about her homeland and who she really is as a person. Everything has a reason behind it.

As for the meta stuff, yeah I knew that it would get really troublesome if that's the peak of the "comedy" so I changed it up a lot more as time went on, especially when I pulled back the curtain. Like there's still some meta jokes here and there, but overall I make sure to spice it up a bit more. Although I cut back on jokes a lot more since after chapter 9, things start taking some interesting turns.

Although, if you still don't want to read it, that's fine. Everyone has their tastes, and so do I. What I may like could piss another person off. But, anyway, I hope you have some Happy Reading!

I might have sounded a bit too negative. if I did, it's likely frustration at an MC in an otherwise decently structured story. Seeing your explanation, I'll give it another shot. for one, I'm glad its intentional. I'd assumed it's another one-dimetional 'mc is horny and every girl is magically attracted to him'. just a note, 50 chapters for character development might be a bit too far.
and as far as I know, grammarly catches almost all tense shift errors.

 

[Gryphon]

I might have sounded a bit too negative. if I did, it's likely frustration at an MC in an otherwise decently structured story. Seeing your explanation, I'll give it another shot. for one, I'm glad its intentional. I'd assumed it's another one-dimetional 'mc is horny and every girl is magically attracted to him'. just a note, 50 chapters for character development might be a bit too far.
and as far as I know, grammarly catches almost all tense shift errors.

Oh no, I'm not taking it as too negative, more of just trying to explain the decisions I've made. I hate those types of stories where the MC gets everything he wants and is rewarded for terrible behavior. In fact, the main reason Ty exists is to offer a type of callout on those behaviors while also explaining why he is the way he is. As for the character development, think of it like how Bojack Horseman treats character development. As in, it takes actual effort for people to try change things for the better. I like it when people earn their redemption rather than the character deciding, "well I'll be better now," and suddenly everything's okay. So, that's what I write.

Also I'm going to try out grammarly now. I use prowritingaid which doesn't have a tense detection thing, so I'm going to check Garmmarly out for my next chapter.