What's your feedback on this?

[Archsage]

Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, the fate of young Kirra appeared to be engraved in stone. Her life took a grimmer turn when she became an affiliate of a dying goddess, but was thrown into the chaotic war of the immortals. And when the deities battle, dead souls tell no tales.

 

[HyperiousTheSun]

Well coming from a newbie author, it already looking great to me. Your sentences and paragraphs tend to be longer so they seem to fit more in more traditional literature and published novels, I would say the I do the same thing.
I find that it is a slight problem when I'm reading from a phone as the paragraph itself takes up the whole page but you do what you think is best. I'm also not the best person to speak to as I do the exact same thing.
Once again its a great start. It's definitely something I'll be following.

 

[Archsage]

Well coming from a newbie author, it already looking great to me. Your sentences and paragraphs tend to be longer so they seem to fit more in more traditional literature and published novels, I would say the I do the same thing.
I find that it is a slight problem when I'm reading from a phone as the paragraph itself takes up the whole page but you do what you think is best. I'm also not the best person to speak to as I do the exact same thing.
Once again its a great start. It's definitely something I'll be following.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.
I tried the minimalist style, but I found it a bit difficult to adhere to. I use it sometimes though.

 

[Snusmumriken]

I don't know if that was intentional but the opening to your synopsis feels a bit heavy-handed:

"Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, young Kirra was condemned to a doomed fate. Her cursed life appeared to have taken a better turn"

Notice how many negative verbs you managed to stack that basically all refer to her life/fate. Just by reading that I would expect some serious tragedy.

 

[Archsage]

I don't know if that was intentional but the opening to your synopsis feels a bit heavy-handed:

"Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, young Kirra was condemned to a doomed fate. Her cursed life appeared to have taken a better turn"

Notice how many negative verbs you managed to stack that basically all refer to her life/fate. Just by reading that I would expect some serious tragedy.

Thanks for the feedback. And yes, you're right on both.

 

[Snusmumriken]

I did check your prologue. Your writing is pretty decent but I would have two suggestions for your writing style. There weren't many obvious mistakes but I've seen some words missing

Satisfied that the baby was fine - stuff like that.

- you have a lot of short disjointed sentences that aren't well-connected despite being in the same paragraph. you have a string of "she did X" "she did Y" "Z occurred" "She did W" that sound more like a list of activities rather than a free-flowing block of prose. Not that you do it all the time but you do it enough to be noticeable.

- I would probably suggest spending less time on the detailed battle actions with mooks in the prologue and concentrate on the overall feel and mood of the moment. As a reader, I am not particularly interested in the location of the strikes and how many combatants fell, especially if most of them died very quickly or "were dead before they knew it". Concentrate on the mage as it highlights the underlying setting of your story as well as that aspect later.

In terms of it being an actual prologue, I am not sure if it is truly necessary. So far the only thing it provides for the plot is the names of the Gods involved. And some of the spells and spell fighting techniques used. The parents are dead - she has no recollection of either of them. The only reason for a prologue in my eyes would be if you wanted to show that the story will have a lot of action later on but first half of the book will have a completely different feeling, but i am not sure that is the case.

 

[SakeVision]

>Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, young Kirra was condemned to a doomed fate

cool

>Her cursed life appeared to have taken a better turn when she became the chosen of her ancestral goddess

not cool

> But as her deity's champion, Kirra was thrown into the chaotic war of the immortals.

super not cool

>And when the deities battle, dead souls tell no tales.

I don't know what that means

tl;dr I'd love a tale of someone like Guts being royally screwed over by fate, curses or demonic pacts, especially if they were of his own making/fault/choice. The inclusion of artifact makes you wonder what kinda artifact it was. But when suddenly there is literal deus ex machina and goddess appears and saves their ass it's not so interesting to me. Then the war of immortals? What's the point of immortals fighting they can't die. Are they all shooting each other into space?

The grammar is fine tho. I'm sure someone would check it out based on the synopsis. But not me.

 

[Archsage]

I did check your prologue. Your writing is pretty decent but I would have two suggestions for your writing style. There weren't many obvious mistakes but I've seen some words missing

Satisfied that the baby was fine - stuff like that.

- you have a lot of short disjointed sentences that aren't well-connected despite being in the same paragraph. you have a string of "she did X" "she did Y" "Z occurred" "She did W" that sound more like a list of activities rather than a free-flowing block of prose. Not that you do it all the time but you do it enough to be noticeable.

- I would probably suggest spending less time on the detailed battle actions with mooks in the prologue and concentrate on the overall feel and mood of the moment. As a reader, I am not particularly interested in the location of the strikes and how many combatants fell, especially if most of them died very quickly or "were dead before they knew it". Concentrate on the mage as it highlights the underlying setting of your story as well as that aspect later.

In terms of it being an actual prologue, I am not sure if it is truly necessary. So far the only thing it provides for the plot is the names of the Gods involved. And some of the spells and spell fighting techniques used. The parents are dead - she has no recollection of either of them. The only reason for a prologue in my eyes would be if you wanted to show that the story will have a lot of action later on but first half of the book will have a completely different feeling, but i am not sure that is the case.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate.?

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, young Kirra was condemned to a doomed fate. Her cursed life appeared to have taken a better turn when she became the chosen of her ancestral goddess. But as her deity's champion, Kirra was thrown into the chaotic war of the immortals. And when the deities battle, dead souls tell no tales.

View attachment 9640

I like this! :D
Thu have yet to check the chapters out.

 

[Archsage]

>Afflicted by the power of an ancient artifact, young Kirra was condemned to a doomed fate

cool

>Her cursed life appeared to have taken a better turn when she became the chosen of her ancestral goddess

not cool

> But as her deity's champion, Kirra was thrown into the chaotic war of the immortals.

super not cool

>And when the deities battle, dead souls tell no tales.

I don't know what that means

tl;dr I'd love a tale of someone like Guts being royally screwed over by fate, curses or demonic pacts, especially if they were of his own making/fault/choice. The inclusion of artifact makes you wonder what kinda artifact it was. But when suddenly there is literal deus ex machina and goddess appears and saves their ass it's not so interesting to me. Then the war of immortals? What's the point of immortals fighting they can't die. Are they all shooting each other into space?

The grammar is fine tho. I'm sure someone would check it out based on the synopsis. But not me.

Thanks for the feedback. Noted. Just a quick reply. Immortals could be killed. Dead gods.

I like this! :D
Thu have yet to check the chapters out.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate ?

 

[LilTV1155]

Hey dude, your synopsis is really good!
I can smell "Epic" coming off from your lines.