What am I escaping from...
1. people.
Ever since I was a wee youngin' I've always been afraid of people, both adults and kids. Now a days? It's the same. I have about as much aversion to people and crowds as most people have against spiders. Public speaking? Hell I was a stuttering wreck every time I had to present to the class. I forget everything and just blank out when I get really nervous. Look, I forgot my homework at home and refused to go to class in 3rd grade. I pissed myself because I was too afraid to ask the teacher to use the bathroom. I was an A or B student, because teachers only gave white kids As, and I wasn't white, and I was to fearful to answer wrong, so I studied HARD. By about 10th grade I finally learned the teachers can't do anything to me, so I just didn't do anything if I got a teacher that didn't yell. Funny part? I failed history and eng in 11th grade. Got 89%ish and 94%ish in the midterms and finals, but I just didn't do any work. That's because I learned I had to do public speaking to graduate highschool, in 10th, so I just fucked off in 11rh, then got my GED after failing so I could drop out. Compounded with a lot of yelling and throwing of object fights between my parents when I was a kid. Even now getting yelled at for ANY reason immediately stuns me to a paralyzed quivering silent mess. This shit, man... I even got panic attacks working a call center as tech support. So, I gave up and hide from everyone.
2. myself
When puberty hit, I hated myself. My looks at first. and for a solid decade and a half I had no idea why, but every time I look in the mirror I crindge inside. People call me handsome, and I got hit on by everyone from gays to cougars, but I didn't, and still don't see it. I read all the novels online to escape. Action, adventure, mystery, isekai, fantasy, scifi, comedy, romance, yuri, bl. Then I came upon transgen. A lot of shit makes sense mow. Unfortunately I heavily doubt trangen would work for me. I'm rather manly looking. I rather not look like an okama. Though I would consider myself pan, if I were the right gender. As of now, I consider myself nonsex. I'm a mid 30 virgin, and it's going to stay that way till I die. My mom says I act exactly like my biological father, who I never met. I decided since that's the case, I refuse to have kids, and I don't want to get in any relationship since I hate myself, thus, a monk like existence when it comes to relationships for me, till death. Fuck my old man, and my phobia, and my gender issues. If I wasn't guilt tripped by my mom, I'd probably starve to death in a alley somewhere. Being too cowardly to kill myself.
3. weird problem with emotion.
I'm not sure I can 'feel' happy. And I'm not sure I would know it if hit me in the face. I make things, I repair things, I do things, but there's no sense of reward. I understand having a feeling of accomplishment and or reward is a requirement to feel happy. As such I have felt that way in so long that I can't remember it. There's just an irritating problem to solve, and solving it doesn't make me feel good or accomplished, I'm just relieved I solved the problem. It's why I go a ton of games, but don't play them, or if I do, it's just to waste time, or get into the story. I read because I wonder, "Just what is happy?" I figure I would come across some answer, but all I get is it's doing something you like. That's.... super shallow and doesn't work really for me. It's like masturbating, I don't masturbate to feel good, I do it to not be an asshole. As I notice if I don't, I'm a cranky bastard to everyone around me. I don't eat to feel good, I eat to not feel bad. That's pretty much all I've been doing in life. Things to not make me feel like killing myself every minute of every day, just in the morning when I realize I survived another night or look in the mirror.
I get told to seek help. I tell them to imagine talking to a human sized spider, and maybe they'll have some idea as to how effective talking to another would be for me. You think I would have gotten better being exposed to people for 12 years of school growing up. But no, the meanness, bullying, lying and thieving teachers just reinforce my fear. Personally I find being a gender-less, race-less, no-face on the internet refreshing. And have since 99'.
I've tried MMOs, but what's the point when I solo everything I can, simply because I don't dare talk to people. Back when I played with my bro, it was fine, but when on my own? yeah solo all the things. I pref playing female characters, and I hate having to explain my self to people with a gender complex. Didn't use to be an issue when voice chat was a raid only thing. Though, my most successful characters were always male, but I attribute that to playing with my bro at the time. The longest played characters tended to have original back stories that made me invested in them.
