Very new writer looking to get advice on how to improve. Writing a niche story so be warned (Backrooms)

[BeezussWrites]

Been working non stop to improve, but it seems like I hit a wall. Be honest with your criticism, but try not to be too harsh because I'm built to cry easily. Also, I love reading stories, so if you wanna drop your story down here for me to review also feel free. I'm terrible at really giving well thought out reviews, beyond (I liked it) but I'll try my best to give you something.

Beyond the Threshold

Written in script format: Two office workers, Alex and John, find themselves thrown out of the boundaries of reality. Follow them as they delve through a world they're desperate to escape, and a world that's just as desperate to keep them there. Together, they must navigate the hallways of the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Hi! I’m just gonna drop some feedbacks here:

- I think there’s a grammar mistake in the first sentence.
“The clatter of busy keyboards and hushed conversations were the only sounds that pierced the dull silence of the office.”
change the “were the only sounds” to “was the only sound” because “clatter” is singular.
- Change ”slams” to “slammed” bcs past tense.
- Chapter 3: change suspicion to suspiciously.
- There are some missing commas but it’s okay.
- The dialogues are mostly written like a script. But if it’s your writing style then it’s fine by me.
- I’m confused. Is it in past or present tense? (There’s like a switch of tenses in some paragraph but I think you’re leaning towards present tense.)
- Dialogues are okay, and the ending made it a good cliff hanger, so keep up with the good work!
- Chapter 2 is also good. I can imagine the tension the characters are facing.
- In conclusion, the format of the story may turn off some readers but I think it works out fine!

 

[BeezussWrites]

Hi! I’m just gonna drop some feedbacks here:

- I think there’s a grammar mistake in the first sentence.
“The clatter of busy keyboards and hushed conversations were the only sounds that pierced the dull silence of the office.”
changed the “were the only sounds” to “was the only sound” because “clatter” is singular.
- Change ”slams” to “slammed” bcs past tense.
- Chapter 3: change suspicion to suspiciously.
- There are some missing commas but it’s okay.
- The dialogues are mostly written like a script. But if it’s your writing style then it’s fine by me.
- I’m confused. Is it in past or present tense? (There’s like a switch of tenses in some paragraph but I think you’re leaning towards present tense.)
- Dialogues are okay, and the ending made it a good cliff hanger, so keep up with the good work!
- Chapter 2 is also good. I can imagine the tension the characters are facing.
- In conclusion, the format of the story may turn off some readers but I think it works out fine!

I appreciate you for the feedback. Spending most of my time either at work or learning to write has made me forget how a conversation is supposed to sound, so I'm glad to hear my dialogue made to the okay category at least. As for the tense issues, they just slip my mind and mix together for some reason. Again, thanks for the advice. I can't promise that I'm capable of fixing all the grammar mistakes yet, but hopefully there's a few less of them going forward.

 

[sbdrag]

- I think there’s a grammar mistake in the first sentence.
“The clatter of busy keyboards and hushed conversations were the only sounds that pierced the dull silence of the office.”

Haven't read the story to speak to the rest, but this is actually correct the first way - its referring to both the "clatter of busy keyboards" and "hushed conversations", making "were the only [two] sounds" the correct version.

 

[Yuin]

Haven't read the story to speak to the rest, but this is actually correct the first way - its referring to both the "clatter of busy keyboards" and "hushed conversations", making "were the only [two] sounds" the correct version.

Oops, I think I read it in a different way. Yea I guess both ways are fine depending on which words you’re focusing on