Writing The absolutely horror experience of writing(drafting and not really im just exaggerating with self inflicted crisis..)

esThr

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While my drafting experience has currently not been the worst... I can't exactly say I don't feel conflicted or nervous either.. so I decided like any other reasonable (self proclaimed) author would do.. I snagged a piece of dialogue from one of the drafted chapters and try to get feedback on if it's either:
A Complete garbage and a talent of it's own to be able to suck this hard at writing
or
B disowned in an asian family

Anyways heres the dialogue piece:

"To be able to relax like this is nice in a while Haah!!" Hellen exclaimed loudly after our *not* so fun experience of being rammed by logs as a poor excuse of training.

"Mhm." While I can agree with her that the training (poorly worded) was not exactly the best it did helped me perceive things faster.

"Haha.. y'know, you don't really seem to talk a lot or even speak out your mind... it feels a bit awkward."

"Ah, I see. I'm sorry... I just..." I struggled to get my words out... I really am a failure at socializing. If this world is a litrpg then my social stats are probably beyond the negatives.

"Pfft... don't worry too much about *it* socialising is hard I get ya!" Hellen exclaimed leaving me with an appreciative look.

*See she gets it!* 'it's not like its because I'm horrible at talking.. yeah definitely! It's just... theres no need to talk about things I already know in mind... 'Hey! Don't give me that look! I know that's miscommunication 101 but I just can't help it....'

"That being said I really can't stress how a bath after that hell is literally the best thing we can get!" Hellen being the extrovert she is, masterfully changed the topic without it feeling forced.. (I'm not jealous..)

"Ugh.. Instructor Kaiths is the worst! I still feel sore all over! How can such a war mongering demon be hidden under such a pristine and elegant look!?!? You get me right??"

"......"

"Ray? What's wrong?" Hellen stared at her bath companion(luggage) who oddly at that moment had a look as if all life on earth had ended

"......" *I.. oh well...* *tis a short lived life but I enjoyed the short experience nonetheless. May thy kind find yours truly in peace*

"......" Hellen started to be speechless as well after having a short burst of genius realizing what horrors was plaguing me

"Instructor Kaiths... is right behind me isn't she?" To which I could only give a sound nod. Signifying my deepest condolences to the grave she dug herself in.
(All the * in the dialogue is mostly because I keep my drafts in discord(stupid move I know I'll eventually get to a real site... probably) and I am lazy so.... don't go too hard on me please)
 
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Lloyd

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You lost me completely at "that with her that that"
 

Erylm

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Why are you so worried? For a draft this is fine, yes there are some missing words, yes some sentences and wording could be improved. Outside of two cases where you repeat what dialogue said with narrator ("'...' Hellen started to be speechless as wel, " the ... isn't necessary because you already narrate the speechlessness and the wording is a little awkward; same thing the word "exclaimed" after using ! is also unnecessary and leads to some awkward wording.)

There are also some inconsistent style decisions but nothing that a couple more passes won't fix.

The only unforgivable thing here is the use of discord when Google docs is free.
 
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ConansWitchBaby

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Google docs or writing.bighugelabs.com or something else a bit cleaner than Discord. Besides that.

My fucking god. I have forgotten where that other website I had a few pages at is located.

A draft is a draft. I barely churn out half made lines for drafts. The dialogue automatically looks better than most of the stuff on here. You add enough descriptors that it doesn't give off the feel of floating heads in a vacuum.
 

MasFaqih

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Just post it, Do it, Just Do it.
 
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