Spare some time for some harsh criticism?

[BenJepheneT]

I don't usually make these kinds of posts, but hey, everything has its first, or constant.

Kapal

Something tore the old world apart. Nobody knows what, when, why, or how. All that's left are dried remnants of the past and the birth of a new, savage, cruel world. Subjek woke up right at the cusp of a turning age for this desolate landscape; two roaring factions vying...

www.scribblehub.com

Genre: Action, Mystery, Post-Apocalyptic, Fanfiction* (will explain below)
Word Count: 39.9k
Chapters: 15
Cock: Uncircumcised and Hung

Summary:
A bandaged retard with a dagger and a lunchbox somehow gets hired as a mercenary by a trading hub town without speaking a single word.

---

It's a short project I've been working on the side since last year. It (rightfully) hasn't got many views, or any view for that matter. It's still, in my opinion, a solid effort on my part, even as a little breather from my main projects. I figure it shouldn't hurt to ask for some opinions on this.

Now, you might be put off by the FanFiction tag above, but do understand that I'm not infringing on any established characters or story whatsoever. I'm merely putting a spin on the themes and the setting OF the franchise while inserting my own plot/characters in. As far as I'm concerned, it's as readable as any original story out there, and the fanfiction part only really comes in as obscure references fans of the series would get.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; the Fiction I'm Fan-ning in question is Fallout. No, not the Todd Howard ones. The original, top-down, isometric ones - Fallout 1 and 2. I'd include New Vegas too but in my humble opinion, they're just slightly edged out by the originals in terms of their characters and tone.

If you're generous with thirty minutes to spare, I suppose it wouldn't be too much to ask for a little insight on what I've done. Anything would do. If you can't do reviews, I'm also quite alright with first impressions. Thanks in advance.

 

[T.K._Paradox]

I actually enjoy this story. To anyone that is skeptical because of the fan fiction tag. I high advise reading the story.

It is not a power fantasy harem or anything of the sort.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

It is not a power fantasy harem or anything of the sort.

Which means there is no reason to read it.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Which means there is no reason to read it.

I knew there's gonna be some based users out here, so I ALSO wrote this just in case.

The Problem Store

There was a guy who went by the name of Guy. He lives in a World, and has many stories to tell about it. Stories of relationships, indulgence, brotherhood, reconciliation, women, and skinship. Especially women and skinship. Guy has a lot of stories about women and skinship. You may or...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[greyblob]

first chapter was nice. it was vivid and descriptive. it needs some polishing but otherwise okay. the second, however, was a complete mess. it might just be my adhd ridden brain, but I could barely follow what's going on. the excessive usage of 'something' man was especially infuriating. I gave up on the first few lines of the third chapter since they were just as confusing.

 

[Keene]

I'm only going to comment on the very first paragraph. You have clearly put some effort and thought into your prose. Let's take a look:

The sky was a light, mouldy green as always, with a stale whiff trailing the still, dusty air. The ground was bone dry, with the dirt barely holding onto any residing moisture left within its grasp. Any trace of mud could only be found in forms of solid, crumbling cakes. The landscape was a sterile, empty wasteland. The only semblance of life within the scenery was the earth beneath, butting violently against one another, lifting mountains and sinking valleys in scales so incomprehensible that the only form of understanding it was to simply believe the sight before.

The sky was a light, mouldy green as always,

When I read "as always" I had to stop and think. Is this a world where their is no day/night cycle? Or is this always what daylight is like? The answer to any of these questions should be developed later or inferred some other way by the reader - this bit of world building can be delayed a little.

with a stale whiff trailing the still, dusty air

Not a fan of the word "whiff" here. Whiff to me means a smell. If you want to describe a stale smell you should be more precise. You also don't need to use the word "stale" and then rephrase that immediately with the word "still". Air become stale when there is a lack of proper ventilation. Air also cannot be still and dusty. Air needs to be moving to pick up and hold dust. So we've hit a confusing statement.

The ground was bone dry, with the dirt barely holding onto any residing moisture left within its grasp. Any trace of mud could only be found in forms of solid, crumbling cakes.

You've falling into the trap here of saying the same thing thrice. You inform the reader the ground is bone dry and then immediately inform them it is also, bone dry, and then once again with the final sentence. You've also used the word "mud" to describe dry dirt. You need significant amounts of water to create mud.

The landscape was a sterile, empty wasteland.

This is good. Simple and effective.

The only semblance of life within the scenery was the earth beneath, butting violently against one another, lifting mountains and sinking valleys in scales so incomprehensible that the only form of understanding it was to simply believe the sight before.

I like the subtle characterization of natural forces here as agents of creation. "the only form of understanding it was to simply believe the sight before." I cannot quite understand what this is meant to imply. Could be rephrased better.

With that in mind, here's how I might approach the paragraph. I'm not saying this version has no problems but it avoids some of the mistakes of the first.

The moldy green sky colored the dead wasteland with an ethereal glow. Nothing moved here, not even a wisp of wind to play with a bit of dust. A wanderer would struggle in this stale and silent environment; any hope of life-saving water rejected by the bone dry earth, cracked like a broken mirror as far as the eye could see. Here the only movement was measured in eons as incomprehensible forces of natural created and weathered down mountain after mountain.

Edit: Your prose is very good for being 13 years old!

 

[Representing_Tromba]

HARSH CRITICISM!

 

[BenJepheneT]

Edit: Your prose is very good for being 13 years old!

This would've felt a lot better if I was actually thirteen years old.

 

[Keene]

This would've felt a lot better if I was actually thirteen years old.

I'm sorry! I saw 13/Dogs in your status and assumed!

Too give you a more general compliment, your story is certainly above average in terms of quality from what I've seen on SH. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with in the future.