Sorry to bother you, but I would like your opinion about my writing.

[Rookieqw]

Good day to you all; I hope you are doing well. If you have time to kill, can you please:

1) Tell me if my writing is understandable (I am not a native English speaker, so please be harsh here).

2) If it is too dry and/or if I am overusing certain words..

3) If I over-explain things.

Here is the link to my latest chapter, I am mostly curious about how I am doing currently: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1472352/

 

[RepresentingWrath]

 

[The_Lover]

The main thing I can think of is maybe using more prepositions? I think that's the word, I saw a few places where a 'the' or 'and' might help break up the wording. But didn't notice much aside from that.

 

[DismaiNaim]

It reads well. I have no problem with your English, and I was able to see the fight in my mind. Good work.

Only thing, you linked to chapter 100+ something, and I have no idea who these people are or why they're fighting. I'm going to assume this was set up in an earlier chapter.

 

[Rookieqw]

Only thing, you linked to chapter 100+ something, and I have no idea who these people are or why they're fighting. I'm going to assume this was set up in an earlier chapter.

Sorry about confusion. I failed to create an interesting story to attract many readers, but I still owe it to those who read it to finish it. And I also write it to improve myself.

The Gilded Horde (Khans, Drozna, and so on) are the antagonists of the story, while the Reclaimers (Wolfkins, Onyxia, Lacerated One, and so on) are part of the protagonists. The events take place during the final showdown between the two forces.

 

[The_Lover]

I haven't read more than the first two chapters but I love you're naming lol. I usually put capitals On They or The and got stuck. I prefer using capitals for gods, not mortals. I'd probably use some weird English name, so I like your names more. The Demon Kings Gardner is similar, love the story.

 

[HouseDelarouxScribbles]

Oh, you're the one going around reading evaluations! I read the latest three chapters of Hordedoom (143, 142, 141) and went back to read the first three chapters! It is quite interesting how the genre shifts from what appears from modern day mutant horror into fantasy warfare, so much that I took a break from my own writing to write this!

First off, the latest chapters are more 'war-like' in nature. I cannot pinpoint an exact source, but I would guess it draws inspiration from Azeroth, since glaives, shamans, blinking (hayai lol), horde, Jaina Proudmoore give me that feeling. I really enjoy the depictions of the brutality of war, even from the small snippet of the entire story that I read.

I note that the language in the 'war' chapters are more bombastic and straight-forward than the 'science' chapters. While the scientists spoke eloquently, the commanders speak in exaggerated and more 'direct' fashion. I think a younger reader might appreciate it as it is! For me, old memories of WCIII-style writing came back to me and I smiled.

If I could pinpoint a strength that is common in the latest three chapters and the first three chapters, it is that you are able to make a reader 'feel'. The last three chapters speak of war's senselessness, of heroism and valor; the first three chapters spoke of horror of betrayal and ethics in experimentation. While I can see the line between small-scale fights that lead into war, I'm not sure how one led to the other, if I ever have time, I'll read to find out!

You dropped the stilted sentences from the first chapters. There was a quirk in the early chapters where you create tension by using short sentences at the start of the paragraph, understandable since war is vast and overreaching, just a small writing quirk that I noticed!

EDIT: Accidentally pressed enter, maybe writing gods want me to write? Anyway, one last note is that the betrayal felt cutting in the first three chapters, you did well building tension to the cutoff when 'Mother' does a heel turn, I expected it, but it still hit! I like it! Academic could be a little less verbose and explainy, but I suppose that's her job. Orange-demons reminds me of D-Class prisoners from SCP, hahaha!

 

[Rookieqw]

If I could pinpoint a strength that is common in the latest three chapters and the first three chapters, it is that you are able to make a reader 'feel'. The last three chapters speak of war's senselessness, of heroism and valor; the first three chapters spoke of horror of betrayal and ethics in experimentation. While I can see the line between small-scale fights that lead into war, I'm not sure how one led to the other, if I ever have time, I'll read to find out!

Thank you. That is something I was afraid that I had lost that strength of mine (mainly because the workload in RL increased and I had to slow down the pace of releasing chapters). I had made many mistakes in the story. One of my biggest mistakes is Brood Lord, the main bad guy for the MC. I imagined him as her dark reflection, where they are both monsters; Janine strives to be better, even if it costs her personally. She cares for her children, does everything she can for her comrades (even if it's often done in the wrong way, like when she forced her friend to continue living against her will), doesn't have excessive ambitions, and uses her power to help ordinary people, refusing to leave even the nation's rivals stranded.

Brood Lord, meanwhile, doesn't care about anyone but himself, enjoys lying, climbs to authority through the ladder of corpses, uses his own children as cannon fodder, and backstabs and sacrifices others to further his goals easily. Both are competent fighters, but I sought to show how Janine defeats him using his own flaws before their final clash...

And the few people who commented on my story enjoyed Iron Lord and Mad Hatter more as the main antagonists, even though they have almost no personal animosity towards Janine. They are enemy commanders to each other, obstacles to be overcome, not something personal. The reason the readers weren't interested in my main antagonist was because I made him too vile, whereas Mad Hatter and Iron Lord felt more human in their interactions with subordinates.

But I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully be better at crafting the characters. It's much harder to recover what was lost.

 

[Deleted member 192215]

Nice (69).