As I continue to read the 1st chapter I can't help but comment.
There is a certain part of the story where I am bombarded by adjective after adjective; descriptive detail after descriptive detail, and it feels overwhelming. There is also a repetitive use of words that can already be replaced by pronouns to make reading easier.
Also as I said in my earlier post, bring impact to the story with your diction. Your city Alpha should have a domineering aura or one of novelty. You need to influence this kind of mood to the readers by guiding them in rather than giving it to them there and then.
So instead of writing Alpha, the world's first artificially created country....etc etc.
You could write it in a similar way to how travel agencies introduce certain tourist sites. You have to make things interesting, as if the place was real, you want people to go to it. This kind of attention to detail immerses the reader in your story.
You can write it like so:
This is the world's first artificially created country, home to the rich and powerful, this country boasts of the world's most advanced technology and medical facilities. Nowhere else would you find experts lining the streets and geniuses scattered everywhere like ants. This country that enjoyed economic prosperity over the past few years is called Alpha.
When you use descriptions like this it gives off a nice mood. Next is the paragraphs that had bothered me.
The way you described New Era City needs a bit of work. When you say amazing how is it amazing? I need a bit more detail here. The capital city needs to impress the reader as it is the center of the country it is in. You give this to the reader by describing briefly what makes this city stand out.
Skyscrapers towered over the city, the light reflecting off their glass panels. (This makes them seem imposing and you can give them some sort of image to work with)
The skyscrapers looked amazing (how???) and were unbelievably high. (Ok so what?)
^ An analogy I can give you for this is that you give the readers a picture with flat colors as opposed to giving them a picture with highlight and shades that could have added depth.
More on word choice, instead of using plenty of first rate restaurants you can use abundant.
There were plenty of first rate restaurants (ok there are lots)
5 star restaurants filled the city in abundance (this one on the other hand gives them an idea that the city is filled with them, it may even be to the point of saturation and that no smaller restaurant may have the strength to compete)
^ the same goes with the hotels and houses
Find a substitute for the word plenty and take note of the connotations of the word, don't use one adjective too much and don't just replace it with a synonym as each word gives off a certain feeling and connotation.
Instead of telling the readers "in a certain villa" you could tell them a specific location like "....in the residential area's block B, a white villa stood proud with its Greek like bearings and Mediterranean flair" don't forget, you have to give details when you're trying to set the stage for something.
In a certain villa that was simply too grand and luxurious to behold, there was a young man that seemed to be around 18 to 19 years old. Jet-black hair that flowed along the wind and a pair of dazzling golden eyes with a perfectly sculpted face. This young man had a long sword in his hand that was gleaming with sharpness.
The image of the young man with the sword in an open space gave a fleeting yet profound picture that seemed to resonate with nature. With the sword in his hand, it seemed so natural and pure like he's held it countless of times.
The young man raised his arm and thrust forward.
In this paragraph:
First of all you used young man way too much. We already know his gender so the following times you refer to this young man can be replaced by the pronoun "he". There is no other character in the scene hence no one will get confused who is "he" referring to.
Second is the redundant detail, you've given us the estimate of his age so we all know that he is young. This eliminates the need of using the word young, unless in this society "young" would have a different connotation. (For example: in cultivation worlds 100 years old may still be considered young, hence the word young can be used in conjunction with the given age.)
Third is that you described your character all in one go. People tend to skip that you know so you have to give these kind of descriptions in bite sizes across the chapter or several chapters.
One more thing about that paragraph: we don't know where in the villa this young man is practicing. You might want to add where specifically since it adds to the characterization as to what kind of person this guy is and the kind of family he lives in.
Example: if he practices in the back garden he prefers more open spaces to practice, it also implies that the family is rich enough to repair any damage done to the garden during practice plus hire the staff to maintain it. If he practices in a specific room we can imply that he focuses a lot on technique or a certain aspect of his swordsmanship. Although people don't usually think this deep when reading adding details like this add to the atmosphere and integrity of the story.
It was as if the wind was stabbed when the sword was stabbed into the air.
^ you've used stabbed twice with a very short interval in between, it makes it seem a bit off to me so I suggest changing the latter stabbed into thrust so it ends up like so:
It was as if the wind was stabbed when the sword was thrust into the air.
^ but at the same time we're thinking wind so stabbed makes it seem unnatural, you can change the wording so to follow what people do with the sword and how wind may react
It was as if the wind was split where the sword had thrust.
(another choice may be cut through, wind is like cloth or water for this matter so we have to simulate this through word choice, you don't really stab water do you?)
Jaden, the young man, turned his head and smiled when he heard a familiar voice. His eyes landed on an incredibly beautiful woman that had a hint of resemblance with Jaden's face.
^ no other character had entered the scene before the dialogue so when the new person calls out we naturally know that this Jaden is the young man practicing in the villa no need to add the extra ,young man.
Thats all I can say about the 1st chapter for now.
