Okay, as long as you are consenting to being roasted, and it's all in good fun. I never like to discourage someone, no matter what their skill level, from continuing to write.
Kael sat on the bench with a white ice cream melting in his hands.
Ah, white ice-cream, that famous flavor. That's what I always get. Unless I want my other favorite flavor, brown. I sure hope we focus on him not eating his white icecream for the next twelve paragraphs. That would be swell.
Fuck, nobody told me I was reading Parasyte fanfiction. I want my money back.
I too always let out a sultry moan after I check what time it is.
“Kid, is this your family? Why aren’t they here?”
Ah yes, very natural dialogue. Not stilted or an obvious wagon hauling an unwanted exposition dump at all.
“They are not in the world anymore.”
I don't know if I'd be more annoyed if he literally meant they were on another world, or if he just has a habit of speaking like a Prophet of Atom.
A tear formed in the corner of his eye. But he didn’t let it fall. He crushed the photo in his hands and dropped it. It flew with the wind before it could touch the ground.
Queue: "I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's only me and I walk alone."
Kael stood before the entrance, his eyes adjusting to the absence of sun.
I already miss it.
Along with his white-flavored ice-cream.
INFECTION IS DANGEROUS.
IT IS EATING YOU.
WE WORK FOR FREE.
Water is wet
It makes up most of your body
This is dystopian
Kael almost laughed. Don't worry, lady. I'm just as thrilled to be here.
Kael is so clever, it makes me relate to him. I too think of smart-ass things I could say when I'm crying in the shower.
We're going down.
They built it as a skyscraper,
and we're going down.
Your haiku needs work
The lady’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Tiny droplets of salt and water clung to her forehead.
That's some pretty spicy attention to detail, this kid needs a girlfriend
That’s the best encouragement I’ve ever received.
His family must suck if this is the best encouragement he's ever received. I, for one, I'm glad that they're stranded on another world. Probably eating their own white ice-cream without him. Bastards.
He crushed the memories and threw them out, like throwing away another photograph.
"I walk these empty streets, on a boulevard of broken dream. And it's only me and I walk alone!"
He opened his eyes. The display read -2. He wondered how deep -9 would be.
Uhm ... I may just be a simply country gal. But I reckon that would be about 9 floors beneath ground level
And thus, I conclude the chapter. That was fun, thank you. In all seriousness, you are playing with your prose, testing your writing muscles. And really, that's all great. The more you work at it, the better you'll get at it. Now, for your specific questions.
Nah, just a bit tedious. Cut out all the unneeded exposition, and that problem will be much better.
- Is Kael working as a Protagonist?
He is passable in that he is not very defined yet. Cut a little more of the exposition backstory, and focus a little more on giving him a distinct voice. And tone down the emo bits, unless him being emo is a comedic thing you are doing on purpose.
- Where can it be improved?
Work a little bit more on story-building through interaction with the world. Give everything a bit more concrete detail that the protagonist actually has to interact with. You accidentally do this with the sweat detail when he meets the woman in the end. Because he's focusing on that detail, it makes it seem like part of his character is attraction to sweaty ladies. Now, I don't think you did that on purpose. But it's a good example of something you could learn to use to make your character-building a little more natural, instead of letting it work against you.
- If it feels like padding?
Honestly, I'm glad that you're taking a bit more time with your scenes. That's a thousand times better than writers that skim past building any kind of atmosphere.
- Also, tell me if you like something in it as well.
The white icecream.
JK
No, what I really like is that I see someone making an honest effort to try things. Being brave, playing with words, setting scene, working on building a voice. Even if none of those are where they need to be yet, the effort is obvious, and it is commendable
Hope that helps, best of luck!
