Rewrote my confusing 1rst chapter, need feedback.

[Aushin]

I rewrote my first chapter to be more concise. Can anyone give it a go? Need feedback.

Midnight Guard: Tales of Loz

[Disclaimer: Will contain a male/male relationship as a subplot.] Something lurks in the city of Loz. When accursed arcane magic suddenly opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton knew he had to investigate the culprits of this heresy. He must keep order in Loz. Many from within see Alton...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 45782]

I rewrote my first chapter to be more concise. Can anyone give it a go? Need feedback.

Midnight Guard: Tales of Loz

[Disclaimer: Will contain a male/male relationship as a subplot.] Something lurks in the city of Loz. When accursed arcane magic suddenly opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton knew he had to investigate the culprits of this heresy. He must keep order in Loz. Many from within see Alton...

www.scribblehub.com

It's a good start.

I think some grammar could be improved on. A few sentences seem incomplete (one or two of your sentences in your synopsis is also like that). Sentences should be independent clauses or an dependent clause joined with a independent clause. There's a bit of telling more than showing in the chapter. It feels a bit of present tense mixing with past tense, but I can't be too sure since I also have a habit of mixing present with past tense too.

Plot wise. It is interesting for a first chapter. There's already nice characterization of tensions going on and a bit of insight into the captain character's, such as him wanting to appear stronger and his fear of rising tensions between two races. The end was interesting and gives a great hook to readers because they want to find out about what is going on.

 

[Aushin]

It's a good start.

I think some grammar could be improved on. A few sentences seem incomplete (one or two of your Sentences in your synopsis is also like that). Sentences should be complete clauses or incomplete joined with a complete clause. There's a bit of telling more than showing in the chapter. It feels a bit of present tense mixing with past tense, but I can't be too sure since I also have a habit of mixing present with past tense too.

Plot wise. It is interesting for a first chapter. You capture how the captain feels conflicted about rising tensions of two sides because of the incident. The end was interesting and gives a great hook to readers because they want to find out about what is going on.

Yeah, I need to look out for the mixing of tenses and get stuff into past tense.

Also about the grammar, kindah doing this to improve my English, so I'll have to look carefully what you mean on the incomplete sentences.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

My mistake. I meant to say dependent and independent clauses.

Dependent clauses acting as a whole sentence often sound incomplete like an unfinished thought Dependent clause needs be joined with a independent clause. Otherwise its a fragment.

Independent clauses are something that can stand by itself. They are complete sentences.

I can give a few examples if you'd like?

Tapping away on mobile so currently lot of errors when typing

 

[Aushin]

Not it's okay. Can you give me some examples? Just so I can identify this and fix.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

For example, in the synopsis:

"With the accursed Arcane having opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal."

This sentence sounds incomplete, because of the with. It makes it feel like when on reads it, we are waiting for the next part of the sentence.

Could be rewritten as:

With the accursed Arcane having opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton needs to investigate the culprits of this heresy.
Removed having since you had opened. having opened is present mixed with past tense.

When the accursed Arcane suddenly opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton knew he had to investigate the culprits of this heresy.

Before the comma in this sentence it is a dependent clause. We joined that with an independent clause after the comma so that it can make one full thought or complete sentence.

 

[Motsu]

God... I've read the chapter so no one has to do it.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Austin, would you like me to comment and point out some of those places on the chapter itself?

By the way, just wanted to say this. Since you're doing it to improve your English, I think its a good start nevertheless. :)
Even some of us native English writers can have problems with grammar and independent/dependent clauses. XD
So don't feel discouraged if you do. I got interested seeing your story on the forum and was planning to take a look at it because it sounded interesting. ;)

 

[Aushin]

Austin, would you like me to comment and point out some of those places on the chapter itself?

By the way, just wanted to say this. Since you're doing it to improve your English, I think its a good start nevertheless. :)
Even some of us native English writers can have problems with grammar and independent/dependent clauses. XD
So don't feel discouraged if you do. I got interested seeing your story on the forum and was planning to take a look at it because it sounded interesting. ;)

Thanks, that would help a lot.

Yeah, I'm not a native so, best way to learn is to practice. Hehe.

God... I've read the chapter so no one has to do it.

Was it that terrible for you? Damn.

Thanks for reading, nonetheless.

For example, in the synopsis:

"With the accursed Arcane having opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal."

This sentence sounds incomplete, because of the with. It makes it feel like when on reads it, we are waiting for the next part of the sentence.

Could be rewritten as:

With the accursed Arcane having opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton needs to investigate the culprits of this heresy.
Removed having since you had opened. having opened is present mixed with past tense.

When the accursed Arcane suddenly opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton knew he had to investigate the culprits of this heresy.

Before the comma in this sentence it is a dependent clause. We joined that with an independent clause after the comma so that it can make one full thought or complete sentence.

When the accursed Arcane suddenly opened a blasphemous and bizarre portal, Alton knew he had to investigate the culprits of this heresy.

(This sounds way better, thanks.)

 

[Motsu]

Was it that terrible for you? Damn.

Since you're still starting your writing journey, it is inevitable to write terribly wry—but with feedbacks, I think—no, I feel like you'll be able to pull through. It is a matter of practice, as in writing every day and analyzing your own story. Once you get a hang of it, you'll figure out your mistakes, add new pieces of information and dialogues you couldn't have thought of, and avoid plotholes.

 

[Aushin]

Since you're still starting your writing journey, it is inevitable to write terribly wry—but with feedbacks, I think—no, I feel like you'll be able to pull through. It is a matter of practice, as in writing every day and analyzing your own story. Once you get a hang of it, you'll figure out your mistakes, add new pieces of information and dialogues you couldn't have thought of, and avoid plotholes.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm using this more as a training first, so I can learn English better, while trying to use some stuff I know about plot, characters and all.

Although I feel I have a harder time with English, rather than the plot sometimes, haha.

 

[Motsu]

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm using this more as a training first, so I can learn English better, while trying to use some stuff I know about plot, characters and all.

Although I feel I have a harder time with English, rather than the plot sometimes, haha.

Are you keeping up with your ENGLISH lessons? Well, with the COVID-19—it'd rather be modular or online classes, but then again, prioritize learning ENGLISH as it has more benefit than knowing well on how to exploit the plot, characters, lore, and character background.

Hope you keep it up. It's not often that many people can respond to you because this place is full of closet writers and readers.

 

[Aushin]

Are you keeping up with your ENGLISH lessons? Well, with the COVID-19—it'd rather be modular or online classes, but then again, prioritize learning ENGLISH as it has more benefit than knowing well on how to exploit the plot, characters, lore, and character background.

Hope you keep it up. It's not often that many people can respond to you because this place is full of closet writers and readers.

Yeah, I'm currently reviewing all I learned in English, since I haven't been studying the grammar and syntax in a long time, so I forgot a lot.

But having basic story knowledge is also good.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Hey Aushin, I added a comment to the chapter. Hope it helps.
And keep up the good work. Your story is pretty interesting. :)

 

[Speranta]

There are a lot of grammar mistakes in the first chapter.

For example, "An atrocity and abomination occurred in the city of Loz, more precisely the tavern Moondust."

The line
"An atrocity and abomination occurred in the city of Loz, more precisely the tavern Moondust."
should be changed to
"An atrocity has been committed in the city of Loz. Or more precisely, a tavern named Moondust."
You get rid of the word "abomination" because the word abomination means a thing that causes disgust or hatred. This means you create an abomination because it is a thing. You change the sentence to "An atrocity has been committed" because an atrocity is an extremely wicked or cruel act, typically one involving physical violence or injury. This means you commit an atrocity because it is an act.
I can also see that you used the word "occurred" to turn it into present tense. However, since you started the story after the main character has already arrived at the scene and the deed has already been done, it cannot be present tense.
The line "Or more precisely," is a dependent clause. This means that it enhances and depends on the independent clause "a tavern named Moondust." Finally, you add the word "named" between tavern and Moondust so that you know the subject, tavern, is called Moondust.

This is just one line, and there are many more grammar mistakes.