Review swap!

[Supersession]

Hello everyone :-)

As the title states, I'm looking to do review swaps where I'll read 5,000 words of your fiction (and more if I like it, of course) in exchange for you doing the same thing! :D

My only request is that your story is in a genre I'm familiar with so I can offer proper feedback and leave a more positive rating, rather than reading something that I know I'll dislike (and in the process let my negative biases seep through even though it's not your fault).

The genres I like are Romance, Comedy, and Drama. I can do Fantasy if it contains the other 3 elements, but I'm not an avid reader of that genre, and I can't click with SciFi at all. However, if you think your story is unique enough, feel free to send it over anyway!

If you're interested in swapping reviews, feel free to leave your story here and I'll get back to you! Thank you!

Here is mine: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/410040/gifted-education-project/

 

[Keene]

I glanced at your first chapter and thought I'd point a few things out. These are suggestions and are influenced by my own biases and opinions.

When Erica told me she had an embarrassing question to ask, I imagined it being along the lines of ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ Coolly, I would’ve told her no, and in response she’d mutter ‘Thank goodness…’ while blushing. ‘So, does that mean you’re fair game? Teehee ♥’ would be the natural follow up to that, of course.

From this I understand our protagonist is a hopeless and naïve romantic. You could push this harder with a stronger language. Really highlight the delusional and hopeful fantasy and drive the nature of the character home. Consider how the following example might achieve this:

When Erica told me she wanted to meet me later to ask me something embarrassing I found myself obsessing over what it could be. My face kept breaking out in a smile as I fantasized about scenarios I could only dare to hope for. "Do- do you have a girlfriend?" Erica would ask me as she awkwardly and adorably shuffled her feet. "No, I don't" I would reply, expressing confidence. She would then gasp in surprise and blink at me with her gorgeous blue eyes. "Thank goodness" she would whisper, red heat rising into her cheeks. "So me... and you... could we maybe... you know...".

She slit my throat instead.

“Darren, how many learning disabilities do you suffer from again?”

“Wh-what kind of bullying is this?”

“You always get so defensive. It’s just a question.”

The sudden change to violence is nice and I like that kind of stuff but now I'm suddenly in a random conversation. The scene hasn't been properly set so I'm confused about the when the POV character is getting their throat slit and this discussion. This could flow better.

The next paragraph where the POV character (Darren?) demonstrates his pathetic adoration of Erica is much better. I think you could have him go into a deeper (but not too excessive) description of her physical appearance. You should also make it a little more clear that Erica is the one talking to Darren at this point.

People who lack EQ are generally incapable of being snarky.

What is EQ? I don't know it hasn't been explained.

She had called me to our classroom after-school under the guise of an ‘embarrassing question’.

Until this point I had assumed she was talking to him in class. There was little indication that we are at the scene the initial paragraph hinted at. The reason why is because the scene wasn't set properly.

“And if I refuse, because you’re being a prick?”

The character isn't consistent here. Would our protagonist who seems to worship this girl call her a prick?

My sentence was cut off with a forceful slam of a desk. It was amazing a girl could generate that much power.

In my opinion this is a good opportunity to raise tension and build the stakes:

Erica slammed her fist onto the table causing an audible crack to ring out. I tried to say something but choked on my words. The carefree romantic atmosphere I had fantasized about was replaced with one thick with tension. She leaned forward, locking me in place with an intense stare. A bead of cold sweat ran down my neck. What the hell was happening?

I'll leave it there. Feel free to take inspiration and play around with my suggestions. Like I said before, these are only my personal opinion on how it could be improved.