REALLY GRAPHIC AND SAD SCENE in my Isekai Story

[Staag]

*Warning - Gore and Death*​

(A WIP on my latest chapter, just know that CPR in this world is generally well-known by many people but the setting is medieval specifically on the continent where the current chapter takes place in.)

Sir! Sir! Please! My son's not breathing!" A man to Jono's right shouted.


Jono immediately ran over to the man and his son, his eyes widened at the sight.


The man's son was definitely not breathing, not anymore. From behind, the back of the son's had been pierced. The spine bone showing from the puncture wound, his spine was no doubt fractured. A small sharp stone painted with blood was nearby the teenager's body.


"Of course he's not-" Jono spoke in a low tone, but was interrupted by the father's wailing.


The father was hugging his son, then laid him down back to that same spot. The sharp stone directly touching the boy's already broken spine. The father looked in horror and desperation as he attempted CPR, his hands on the son's chest. He performed chest compressions on the son's chest, only then did Jono realize what in actual hell had happened.


This man, though not intentionally, had killed his son. Doing chest compressions on the son whilst his neck was resting on a sharp piece of rubble, he was basically pushing his son's neck into the sharp stone everytime he performed CPR. Jono closed his eyes in anguish, but he turned away and tried to run back to the middle-aged lady.


However, the man got up and grabbed hold of Jono.


"Sir! Please! Help my son! Help him! Please! Please!"

(How do ya'll think about this scene? It's one of Jono's, a side character, factors that lead his descent into becoming a bigoted person. He's a reincarnated person and the father is a local from the world, after this and another scene, he ultimately comes to the conclusion that the world's locals are so stupid that they're not worth his time and he becomes extremely hateful of them. Eventually into the future, creating his own country/organization/etc. and only allowing Reincarnated People to join.)

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Well, the story itself is not my cup of tea, but the scene is good. Could have some more detail on the surroundings, perhaps, but otherwise gets the point across.

 

[Staag]

Well, the story itself is not my cup of tea, but the scene is good. Could have some more detail on the surroundings, perhaps, but otherwise gets the point across.

Definitely, my writing seems to have the typical fantasy feeling of just letting the genre cover the surroundings part which is definitely the weakest point. Thanks so much for being unbiased, as horrible as Isekais are, they just intrigue me a lot.

 

[greyblob]

writing is awkward and lacks the pace of a dramatic scene. it reads like a police report

 

[Nolff]

writing is awkward and lacks the pace of a dramatic scene. it reads like a police report

I'm quite sure your way of uh... Writing, was supposed to be a tad bit advanced, no?

 

[greyblob]

I'm quite sure your way of uh... Writing, was supposed to be a tad bit advanced, no?

are you getting defensive for the guy asking for feedback? this some sort of second-hand insecurity?

 

[Nolff]

are you getting defensive for the guy asking for feedback? this some sort of second-hand insecurity?

Somewhere on other threads, I've seen you typing pretty well. Is this how you type, all the time?

 

[LoneQuack]

Somewhere on other threads, I've seen you typing pretty well. Is this how you type, all the time?

I mean, its not like he dissed him out. He could have easily said something more hurtful, he simply pointed out that the text was dry.

 

[greyblob]

Somewhere on other threads, I've seen you typing pretty well. Is this how you type, all the time?

say what you mean plainly.

edit: are you talking about other feedbacks I give?

 

[Anonjohn20]

say what you mean plainly.

edit: are you talking about other feedbacks I give?

He's simply an Azure supporter. He works to take down all they grey things. lol jk

 

[Staag]

writing is awkward and lacks the pace of a dramatic scene. it reads like a police report

Well, definitely! I was more focusing on the ignorant brutality of the father, hence why I went into such detail on the viscera. As for the awkward writing, I realize I tend to write like as if there's a comic page that's in front of the reader, I still have to work on that habit. The lack of drama on the other hand was both intentional and unintentional, since the character Jono is in a hurry trying to save another person, I did not expect that I'd end up sacrificing the weight of the scene in an attempt to convey quickness.

Thank you for the feedback!

I mean, its not like he dissed him out. He could have easily said something more hurtful, he simply pointed out that the text was dry.

True! I tend to write dry because I try my hardest not to convey vague imagery, I should probably work on creating more flavorful and rich text.

 

[Nolff]

I mean, its not like he dissed him out. He could have easily said something more hurtful, he simply pointed out that the text was dry.

I meant something else, dummy.

say what you mean plainly.

edit: are you talking about other feedbacks I give?

Forget it, I was talking about your grammar. I think I'm experiencing Mandela effect.

 

[greyblob]

True! I tend to write dry because I try my hardest not to convey vague imagery, I should probably work on creating more flavorful and rich text.

that is not what i meant. you're telling not showing. for the scene to have an oompf you need to build suspense/pressure. start slowly until you reach the conclusion. do not spell out the answer.

here's an example.
---
doctor sees the child lying on his back, motionless and the father sitting on his knees beside him pumping his chest.

he rushes to them and stops the father. the father is frantic and begs the doctor to help and the doctor assures him and starts inspecting the kid. he methodically checks his breathing, pulse, throat, etc.

then, perhaps, he notices a puddle of blood forming below his head. he turns the kid's head slowly and finds his neck covered in blood. he locates the wound and the rock. he is then horrified as he makes the connection.
---

it is rarely a good idea to spell out the answer. having the reader make out the answer makes for a much more satisfying reading experience. here you have guided the reader to the desired conclusion, slowly building up the scene and revealing the twist in a shocking manner.

I meant something else, dummy.

Forget it, I was talking about your grammar. I think I'm experiencing Mandela effect.

you are 40 years too young to grammar police me bucko

 

[Nolff]

that is not what i meant. you're telling not showing. for the scene to have an oompf you need to build suspense/pressure. start slowly until you reach the conclusion. do not spell out the answer.

here's an example.
---
doctor sees the child lying on his back, motionless and the father sitting on his knees beside him pumping his chest.

he rushes to them and stops the father. the father is frantic and begs the doctor to help and the doctor assures him and starts inspecting the kid. he methodically checks his breathing, pulse, throat, etc.

then, perhaps, he notices a puddle of blood forming below his head. he turns the kid's head slowly and finds his neck covered in blood. he locates the wound and the rock. he is then horrified as he makes the connection.
---

it is rarely a good idea to spell out the answer. having the reader make out the answer makes for a much more satisfying reading experience. here you have guided the reader to the desired conclusion, slowly building up the scene and revealing the twist in a shocking manner.


you are 40 years too young to grammar police me bucko

And you're too old to tidy up your typing. What is it, sluggish arm fracture? Is that why you couldn't properly type your comments?

 

[greyblob]

And you're too old to tidy up your typing. What is it, sluggish arm fracture? Is that why you couldn't properly type your comments?

youre doubling down. isnt it super fucking stupid to deter someone from giving feedback by criticizing the grammar of their review? most novels on this site have shit grammar and you're here nitpicking on reviews.

i will leave the academic grade english forum comments to you

 

[Corty]

And you're too old to tidy up your typing.

Says the one who made this:

 

[LoneQuack]

Well, definitely! I was more focusing on the ignorant brutality of the father, hence why I went into such detail on the viscera. As for the awkward writing, I realize I tend to write like as if there's a comic page that's in front of the reader, I still have to work on that habit. The lack of drama on the other hand was both intentional and unintentional, since the character Jono is in a hurry trying to save another person, I did not expect that I'd end up sacrificing the weight of the scene in an attempt to convey quickness.

Thank you for the feedback!

True! I tend to write dry because I try my hardest not to convey vague imagery, I should probably work on creating more flavorful and rich text.

My advice would be to try writing descriptions. That's what I did. I'm sure you've heard the glass of water technic, you know describe it in as much detail as possible etc.. then slowly move to harder objects etc...

 

[Nolff]

youre doubling down. isnt it super fucking stupid to deter someone from giving feedback by criticizing the grammar of their review? most novels on this site have shit grammar and you're here nitpicking on reviews.

i will leave the academic grade english forum comments to you

Right... I forgot.

I'll take this as a defeat.

Says the one who made this:

View attachment 31523

You...

Alright, f*ck.

 

[greyblob]

Right... I forgot.

I'll take this as a defeat.


You...

Alright, f*ck.

View attachment 31527

 

[Nolff]