New writer - Please help review - MC is now the villainess of a game type story

[Naolin_Sicaru]

Hello everyone, im writing my first ever novel and i need some opinions on it, so far it only has 4 chapters but you don't need to read all of them, even reading the first chapter would be much appreciated
Mainly my concerns are regarding about pacing, I'm not sure if my pacing is too slow or is it fine, some scenes i feel have clunky transitions but I'm not sure either.
Also i watched a video that said an mc should make a decision at least once every chapter so idk if my mc seems active enough.

here's da link

The Villainess Defies Fate

When Louise is suddenly transported into the world of her favorite game, she is shocked to learn that she has taken the role of the villainess who is fated to die a terrible death. Despite being told by a mysterious deity that she cannot escape her destiny, Louise refuses to...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you if you decide to read it, i very appreciate a lot. Also be as harsh as you want. I have to get thick skin

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Hello everyone, im writing my first ever novel and i need some opinions on it, so far it only has 4 chapters but you don't need to read all of them, even reading the first chapter would be much appreciated
Mainly my concerns are regarding about pacing, I'm not sure if my pacing is too slow or is it fine, some scenes i feel have clunky transitions but I'm not sure either.

About your pacing, it seems fine to me, though there can be improvements...mainly in the first paragraph of the first chapter. I got confused at it, so I had to read those lines again and realized that it's supposed to be an inner thought of the character.

Also, that extra part in the end of the third chapter, I'd recommend you separate it by making it's own 'chapter' (label it side chapter, or extra chapter, it's up to you).

If anything, I'd like to call your attention to some grammar, punctuation and capitalization errors. Some readers are nitpicky about those, and wouldn't hesitate to drop and/or give your work a low rating if they ever saw one. Check the rules on English grammar, punctuations and capitalizations, so you'll have a guide on how to correct your chapters.

Example of grammar error: Unfortunately, many beautiful things are short lived. Even the most fascinating of cities have a part they wish to hide. Perhaps they shine far brighter to take the focus off from the flaws within. It didn’t take long before the carriage found itself in a run-down part of town.

The sample part here is shifting tenses, and it's a big no-no to English pop lit. Stick to your tense, whether it is past or present tense. The only exception will be on the dialogues and inner thoughts (usually italicized to differentiate from the narration) of the characters, which is always in present tense, since no one thinks and speaks in past tense.

Example of punctuation error: “The hell?” Asked Louise

All sentences in English should end either in period (.), question mark, if someone's asking something (?), or exclamation point, for extreme feelings (!). Also, capitalization only happens at the start of the sentence, or if there's a proper (exact) name of the place, or person. As for the something like a dialogue tag—as in the case of the sample above—there's no need for capitalization after the dialogue.

Also i watched a video that said an mc should make a decision at least once every chapter so idk if my mc seems active enough.

You don't have to force your character to decide in all the chapters.

Honestly, while tutorials online will/can help you improve, following them all to the dot would make it counterproductive. Some online 'teachers' of pop literature even contrasted themselves, so you should take it with a grain of salt. Here's my suggestion: as you go along your work, develop your story according to the characters' needs, goals and the situation around them. It also wouldn't be bad to make some side characters do major decisions, so that they won't remain one-dimensional critters in the story.

 

[Naolin_Sicaru]

Thanks so much for feedback Sir hans

.mainly in the first paragraph of the first chapter

Yes i struggled a lot with that first paragraph, I changed it a lot of times and its still wonky. I am definitely going to work on it to make it clearer.
I also just noticed the random changes in present and past tenses thanks to you, I will try my best always to keep that in the back of my head.
I definitely need to clean up my grammar.

wouldn't be bad to make some side characters do major decisions, so that they won't remain one-dimensional critters in the story.

I hadn't thought of that either as well, I will try and incorporate it more often,
Again i appreciate the feedback tremendously. I will keep working on my writing thanks