CleanRumors
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- Feb 15, 2022
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Hey guys! Nice day, isn't it? So anyways, i'm a new writer, well probably not since i started writing last year then just quit it after two months.
I wanted some feedback or some consturctive criticism on my WIP chapter.
It would really help me if you do since i'm at a roadblock here.
So here's the chapter
"Warning. This contains profanityyyyyy"
"Ah crap. I fucking died again." A figure of a person could be seen relaxing on his back. Well, could be on his back. He was currently floating in a free fall in the middle of a galaxy. The stars were shining brightly thanks to the lack of atmosphere. A normal living sapient person would have already died frozen for a duration of 30 seconds to 1 minute, yet the man was relaxed as if nothing could make him disturbed.
"Hey bro? Watcha doing now?" The man shouted to someone behind him.
"Huh? Oh nothing of the usual Rein, just looking at the beautiful scene" The thing, or 'orb' spoke in a robotic voice, yet that did not hinder the man, known as Rein' from grinning in satisfaction.
"Yeah, nothing could beat this scene. No matter how much i died, i always look forward to this. Though we usually go from different galaxies." Rein laughed as he slowly spun around to face the mechanical looking orb.
"You know, as much as i hate living, i really want to live right right now" He spoke with regret dripping from his voice.
The orb spun around to face Rein. It's red looking eye indifferent, but it spoke in a sarcastic voice "oh? So you're telling me that you want to live your life to the fullest? Hah, if you just got over her..." The orb's voice trailed away. A sad atmosphere enveloped the two of them, silence reigning over them. "I'm... I miss her... I know it hurts you Rein.... But sometimes.... We have to move on. It may not be for the best and it may hurt us, but we should atleast live with them, in spirit or in heaven... Nier would be happy to see you living on without regrets, you know?"
"I know... haaaaaa..." Rein covered his closed eyes with one hand while the other was on his hair. His jet black hair seemingly blending in with the black space yet his hair had jutted white hair. If one wouldn't look closely, then no one would notice it.
"But i... I just miss her... I do..." He spoke again
"That's why i want to live our next life to the fullest! Let's honor her name in the next life while we have the most fun!" He shouted with resolve and strength with his heart. He wanted to do it, because what his brother-in-life( The cute mechanical ball of death ) told him was right.
It may take a while to do it, but he have to do it. The both of them didn't know when this whole life-death-life situation end, so why not make the most of it? Which is why Rein resolved his heart.
"Heh. Yeah, yeah. I got the feeling old man" the orb yelled at him while laughing his mechanical guts out.
"Tsk. Just because i lived a long life doesn't mean i'm old! Look at my face and body, i look like a hormone-filled teenager raring to go out his way!"
"Correction. A lot of long and short lived life. You may look like a teenager at his peek, but your mind, spirit and heart are of an old sage that lived for a trillion years, wait, { Calculating... Calculating...} Approximately 862 years. Which is in fact short but it still proves the point that your an old geezer" The orb calculated his whole life while trying to prove him that he's old. He should know that pretending to be a teenager could go wrong both ways due to his nature.
"It's always funny whenever you do that 'beep boop beep' sound whenever you calculate something." He laughed while clutching his stomach and head. "Nice one, Sentinel."
The orb, known as Sentinel, replied with frustration and anger at him. "Fuck off! If you just upgraded my mainframe and software, did i wouldn't have made those sounds!"
Rein, slowly calming himself down after laughing, replied to him again. "Ah, didn't knew that i have to do it. Heh" he flashed a grin at Sentinel.
"Now that i think about it, it has been a while that we're floating in space"
He was sure that the time they spent here was way longer than usual. Whenever they died, they would wait for 15 minutes until a massive blackhole appeared and would suck them(literally). The feeling was extremely painful for the first time and for the 37th time they died, they felt a slight pinch in their abdomen. Except for Sentinel whose system would just go haywire while Rein would try to reboot him up.
Knowing this, he just gave up thinking about it since all of they went through was mind boggling to the point it just numb them.
While Rein was will away from him, Sentinel was just... spinning. His sleek cube body would remind anyone of a perfect circle if it weren't for the unecessary outdated design he currently had. A Silver chrome colour painted his whole body, gold and black streaks across his circular body. His size was a bit larger than a basketball.
His small monitor flickered for a second before he stopped spinning. Focusing his small 'eyes' on Rein, he spoke in a monotone voice.
"Nier... Nier... Now that i think about it, doesn't your's and Nier's name just the same?" Sentinel waited for Rein to look at him, but before Rein could, he spoke again. "It's just flipped"
Rein chuckled as he heard his question.
He already knew about that fact but he couldn't stop grinning as he faced Sentinel.
"Really? You just knew?" He laughed as he pointed his hand towards Sentinel "Pft. For a so called 'AI', you have a very late processing unit, ha!"
"Shut up!"
"Oh? Then make me, ya dumb floating orbeeze AI"
"Oh, i will. I will Rein" With that, Sentinel moniter flickered once again, a sound whirring to life as the blue screen slolwy turned to a blood red hue.
Seeing this, Rein could only curl up in a fetal position, protecting his upper torso and head.
"Fuck me, why did i have to say it"
A scream echoed towards the vast space as he was electrecuted by an AI ball.
For a few moment, Rein's eye twitched as he felt an excruciating pain coursing through his body.
"Damn you really don't know how to hold back huh?"
"Hmm, by now, you should have already realised that, Rein"
"Heh, you couldn't even take a joke directly and now it's my fault for hurting your feelings? Oh, you're a floating ball, guess you didn't really have one" Rein smirked as he showed a smug face to Sentinel.
"..."
"..."
"... Okay, now your just straight up dissing me..."
"It was meant to be a joke, okay!"
"Then work better on it, you stuck-up fleshy abomination!"
"Hah! Fuck off ya piece of metal shit!"
If someone or somethinv could hear thier conversation, then one would think that they were at a dissing contest held in the middle of nowhere.
After exhausting his breath dissing the hell out of Sentinel, he strengthened his posture as he got ready to diss out another poem when suddenly.
"You son of a dum- oh fuCK!!!!"
What they saw really shocked him
So i felt it was a bit too rushed and i didn't manage to edit it thoroughly so there's a lot of mistakes here. But since it's still in progress i can still change it.
So how do you guys think about it?
Thanks guys and have a nice day!
And i'm currently drinking my coffee. How about you guys? Ya want coffee? Tea? Or this spoon stabbing my eye? Cause it hurts
I wanted some feedback or some consturctive criticism on my WIP chapter.
It would really help me if you do since i'm at a roadblock here.
So here's the chapter
"Warning. This contains profanityyyyyy"
"Ah crap. I fucking died again." A figure of a person could be seen relaxing on his back. Well, could be on his back. He was currently floating in a free fall in the middle of a galaxy. The stars were shining brightly thanks to the lack of atmosphere. A normal living sapient person would have already died frozen for a duration of 30 seconds to 1 minute, yet the man was relaxed as if nothing could make him disturbed.
"Hey bro? Watcha doing now?" The man shouted to someone behind him.
"Huh? Oh nothing of the usual Rein, just looking at the beautiful scene" The thing, or 'orb' spoke in a robotic voice, yet that did not hinder the man, known as Rein' from grinning in satisfaction.
"Yeah, nothing could beat this scene. No matter how much i died, i always look forward to this. Though we usually go from different galaxies." Rein laughed as he slowly spun around to face the mechanical looking orb.
"You know, as much as i hate living, i really want to live right right now" He spoke with regret dripping from his voice.
The orb spun around to face Rein. It's red looking eye indifferent, but it spoke in a sarcastic voice "oh? So you're telling me that you want to live your life to the fullest? Hah, if you just got over her..." The orb's voice trailed away. A sad atmosphere enveloped the two of them, silence reigning over them. "I'm... I miss her... I know it hurts you Rein.... But sometimes.... We have to move on. It may not be for the best and it may hurt us, but we should atleast live with them, in spirit or in heaven... Nier would be happy to see you living on without regrets, you know?"
"I know... haaaaaa..." Rein covered his closed eyes with one hand while the other was on his hair. His jet black hair seemingly blending in with the black space yet his hair had jutted white hair. If one wouldn't look closely, then no one would notice it.
"But i... I just miss her... I do..." He spoke again
"That's why i want to live our next life to the fullest! Let's honor her name in the next life while we have the most fun!" He shouted with resolve and strength with his heart. He wanted to do it, because what his brother-in-life( The cute mechanical ball of death ) told him was right.
It may take a while to do it, but he have to do it. The both of them didn't know when this whole life-death-life situation end, so why not make the most of it? Which is why Rein resolved his heart.
"Heh. Yeah, yeah. I got the feeling old man" the orb yelled at him while laughing his mechanical guts out.
"Tsk. Just because i lived a long life doesn't mean i'm old! Look at my face and body, i look like a hormone-filled teenager raring to go out his way!"
"Correction. A lot of long and short lived life. You may look like a teenager at his peek, but your mind, spirit and heart are of an old sage that lived for a trillion years, wait, { Calculating... Calculating...} Approximately 862 years. Which is in fact short but it still proves the point that your an old geezer" The orb calculated his whole life while trying to prove him that he's old. He should know that pretending to be a teenager could go wrong both ways due to his nature.
"It's always funny whenever you do that 'beep boop beep' sound whenever you calculate something." He laughed while clutching his stomach and head. "Nice one, Sentinel."
The orb, known as Sentinel, replied with frustration and anger at him. "Fuck off! If you just upgraded my mainframe and software, did i wouldn't have made those sounds!"
Rein, slowly calming himself down after laughing, replied to him again. "Ah, didn't knew that i have to do it. Heh" he flashed a grin at Sentinel.
"Now that i think about it, it has been a while that we're floating in space"
He was sure that the time they spent here was way longer than usual. Whenever they died, they would wait for 15 minutes until a massive blackhole appeared and would suck them(literally). The feeling was extremely painful for the first time and for the 37th time they died, they felt a slight pinch in their abdomen. Except for Sentinel whose system would just go haywire while Rein would try to reboot him up.
Knowing this, he just gave up thinking about it since all of they went through was mind boggling to the point it just numb them.
While Rein was will away from him, Sentinel was just... spinning. His sleek cube body would remind anyone of a perfect circle if it weren't for the unecessary outdated design he currently had. A Silver chrome colour painted his whole body, gold and black streaks across his circular body. His size was a bit larger than a basketball.
His small monitor flickered for a second before he stopped spinning. Focusing his small 'eyes' on Rein, he spoke in a monotone voice.
"Nier... Nier... Now that i think about it, doesn't your's and Nier's name just the same?" Sentinel waited for Rein to look at him, but before Rein could, he spoke again. "It's just flipped"
Rein chuckled as he heard his question.
He already knew about that fact but he couldn't stop grinning as he faced Sentinel.
"Really? You just knew?" He laughed as he pointed his hand towards Sentinel "Pft. For a so called 'AI', you have a very late processing unit, ha!"
"Shut up!"
"Oh? Then make me, ya dumb floating orbeeze AI"
"Oh, i will. I will Rein" With that, Sentinel moniter flickered once again, a sound whirring to life as the blue screen slolwy turned to a blood red hue.
Seeing this, Rein could only curl up in a fetal position, protecting his upper torso and head.
"Fuck me, why did i have to say it"
A scream echoed towards the vast space as he was electrecuted by an AI ball.
For a few moment, Rein's eye twitched as he felt an excruciating pain coursing through his body.
"Damn you really don't know how to hold back huh?"
"Hmm, by now, you should have already realised that, Rein"
"Heh, you couldn't even take a joke directly and now it's my fault for hurting your feelings? Oh, you're a floating ball, guess you didn't really have one" Rein smirked as he showed a smug face to Sentinel.
"..."
"..."
"... Okay, now your just straight up dissing me..."
"It was meant to be a joke, okay!"
"Then work better on it, you stuck-up fleshy abomination!"
"Hah! Fuck off ya piece of metal shit!"
If someone or somethinv could hear thier conversation, then one would think that they were at a dissing contest held in the middle of nowhere.
After exhausting his breath dissing the hell out of Sentinel, he strengthened his posture as he got ready to diss out another poem when suddenly.
"You son of a dum- oh fuCK!!!!"
What they saw really shocked him
So i felt it was a bit too rushed and i didn't manage to edit it thoroughly so there's a lot of mistakes here. But since it's still in progress i can still change it.
So how do you guys think about it?
Thanks guys and have a nice day!
And i'm currently drinking my coffee. How about you guys? Ya want coffee? Tea? Or this spoon stabbing my eye? Cause it hurts
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