[This isn't something well-written or heavily edited, so pretty much as raw as it gets. I just wanted to put everything going through my head into words. This event, if you could even call it that, took place today and am writing it after a few hours from it.]
I met someone today, someone truly special. I can’t put it to words exactly why she was special, but I will still try to do it since that’s why I am writing this.
I wanna know what I really feel. Am I truly regretful, am I the same person from 9th grade who thought he had changed but is still fucking scared of talking to the girl he likes in the class face to face? Have I truly not learned anything over the years. It sure doesn’t seem like it. Enough about me, the real star of this show is her.
Her whose name I am still unaware of. Now, whether I just didn’t have the opportunity to ask, or couldn’t be bothered to, is a debate… I wanna have fucking right fucking now.
The first time I saw her clearly, was a lot later in the story, we will get to that later.
The first time I sensed her presence was when she came and observed the number on the seat next to me, I mean we all like to do these pretences to let the other know exactly why we are there so they aren’t creeped out. Like you aren’t just sitting next to someone because you like them, so you need to show them that you are looking at the seat number, indicating that it’s your seat. I assume that’s what she did. 'Like your seat number is 2 and the seat number 1 is already occupied by me, there clearly isn't any other seat beyond me, so what's the doubt here?' Following which, she gracefully took the seat, and behind her followed a few others who sat next to her.
I hadn’t noticed them at first but now, I know exactly who all were there with her. But I will tell that later as well, fuck you.
As soon as she sat there, her perfume’s scent mixed with her own, assaulted my nose. And it wasn’t one I minded. Not amazing, but definitely better than just tolerable. You really hate it when someone’s perfume just makes you nauseous and you wonder how anyone in this world could ever actively make that choice. I just feel like, it is an instant sign that they are not the sort of person I ever wanna associate with, I just wouldn’t like them.
But then there’s my mom who says this about every single perfume/deodorant me or my brother have ever used, but she still loves us, I think.
Anyways, the first thing she did before she had even settled into her seat, was turn to me and ask, “How long has the movie been going for?”
And I took a few seconds to think about it, I don’t have an excuse for that, I just had a lot of thoughts regarding the ongoing movie, and then this girl talking to me out of nowhere, but I managed to answer in a clear voice, “Around 15-20 minutes, you missed quite a bit of exposition at the start.”, I said.
She gasped lightly, and turned to the girl sitting to her side and relayed what I said, but with really expressive gestures.
After doing that, she took her movie watching position, we all have one right?
I was honestly expecting her to ask a bit about what she had missed but she unfortunately didn’t. This movie was more action focused anyway, so maybe she felt she didn’t need it. But… now that I know what I know, it could very well be that she just didn’t understand what the word ‘exposition’ meant. You see, I was talking in my regional language but had used the English word ‘expostion’ since I didn’t have a better replacement for it from my language, or maybe I just wanted to seem cool, or some words just make more sense in certain languages, one of those.
At this point, I had already gotten a glimpse of her face, though not very clear, I could tell she was pretty. And from my peripheral vision, my mind had already analysed that her figure wasn’t bad either, which is why I wouldn’t have minded if she asked me for the gist. It might be ugly, but it is the truth about how my brain works, it’s not all bad though, since if her figure wasn’t satisfactory, then I would still have answered, just not been as eager about it.
But she didn’t.
Anyways, as the movie progressed, I was getting bored, this was supposed to be one of the best new releases, having grossed even more money that Avatar in first week earnings, but all I saw was a bunch of overacting and bad voice-overs for the translation, since this movie wasn’t really supposed to be in the language that I was watching it in. Being a true anime fan, ‘course I wouldn’t have approved of this, but the movie just wasn’t available in the original language in my city. And I had heard it was too good to miss, so here I was, about to make a core memory, or regret.
Very soon, as I was trying to understand the movie better, while still hoping for her to ask about the stuff she had missed, I noticed that her expressive hand gestures weren’t just a one-time thing. And it became evident pretty soon, that those gestures were actually her communicating with the person sitting next to her. I didn’t want to make any assumptions, but as it continued, there was no doubt left, that the girl sitting next to her couldn’t make sense of the vibrations in her ears.
Knowing that, I was a bit sympathetic for her situation, both their situation, but without knowing the full context, its hard to feel for anyone. At least it is for me. All I could think of right now, was that it gave me the perfect reason to start a conversation with her.
It is a life goal for me to learn sign language, I do not know when it sprouted, but I just want to learn it for the sake of it, I know it is pretty hard but I just don’t want to be blocked out of a whole group of people because they were just dealt the wrong cards, or maybe I am just an opportunistic bastard who wants to get ahead of the curve. Anyway, I just wanna tell you that I didn’t pull this motivation out of my ass just to talk to her, I have had it for a while. Context matters.
Several other things were going through my head at this time as well, how long is this movie gonna go for before we get the intermission? What exactly am I gonna say to her during the intermission? Why is she leaning towards my side so much?
Let’s talk about that last one for a bit. Why the fuck don’t movie theatres have two armrests on each side so people don’t have to share a fucking armrest, its so awkward especially when you don’t want to be touching the other person. It wasn’t that awkward in this case though.
In fact, for the most part, I have somehow had good experience with these armrests. Or I just remember the good ones, since I probably just didn’t use the armrest when surrounded by guys on both sides. And somebody tell me do girls really not realise whether their hair is invading someone’s space or they just act oblivious to it?
Also, this has happened twice now, where these girls just flick their hair to the side, hitting you in the shoulder/arm or even face with some locks in the process. The first girl who did it was really finnicky and doing it way too much, I don’t think it had anything to do with me.
And the other one was today, where she would sort her hair quite often as well. But it wasn’t as invasive as last time, she was keeping them in bounds, so what does it tell about when… aah.h nevermind, I don’t want to say anything bad or suggestive about her. She deserves all the good things in the world.
Anyways, these two are among the three most memorable neighbours I have had in theatre, but the third one, also a girl, didn’t flick her hair, she also sorted them from time to time, but she was careful about not troubling anyone. Well, now she is the only person I can actually say is a friend of mine in this new city.
We talk about movies and anime a lot, we met over the chainsaw man movie, so ‘course we talk about anime, even though she isn’t an avid watcher anymore. But I can’t think about any future with her, so I try not to take the conversation any deeper, I really appreciate having her in my life as a friend, and she is also pretty, and a good person, but just not my type of person. I mean I would also like to discuss life in general and universe at some point but haven’t gotten the chance. She also seems to think that way, I don’t know… at least I think so since she also hasn’t tried changing topics other than once mentioning that all we talk about is movies with a laughing emoji. But that’s a story for another time.
Anyways once again, as I was saying, She would lean towards my side quite often, it is not that uncommon actually, people just lean on one of the armrests when watching any movie, but I also had to lean on that one as well, so without sharing any words, we took turns, she probably didn’t even realise it, but that’s how theatres work, eventually you wanna fall back in your seat so you lean back, giving the other person the time to take the armrest until that person wants to lean back… and the cycle continues. Though there were moments when we were both sharing it, nothing awkward though, those were the most expensive seats we had in the theatre, so the armrest was quite wide. But of course, there was some contact here and there, nothing either of us would make anything of.
Just keep that in mind for now.
The movie continued, and with it, the thoughts in my mind ran at full throttle as I watched the movie while somehow going through all the possibilities the two people next to me held. Including how my conversation during the interval was supposed to go. Don’t look forward to it though, you will be disappointed.
The movie had been really disappointing until this point, it was trying to be forcefully funny, which is never fun, and many people were laughing at those jokes which helps people like me feel superior but in this case, she was also laughing at some of them. So, it didn’t feel as good to be superior. You know, when looking for a partner, the most important thing you want from them is to be at the same intellectual level. But I get ahead of myself, since just laughing at jokes on screen doesn’t talk much about a person’s intellectual levels. Who am I even kidding? ‘Course it does.
Anyways, after the infinitely long first half, the intermission was here. And I was in doubt whether I should go pee, i had a small pressure building up but It wasn’t anywhere near emergency levels, so I could wait if need be. But the decision was made for me when she and all the people she came with got up and moved out, not sure for what, food or washroom, but they did.
And this finally gave me a good look at the person in question, and she looked realllllly good, this was when I had yet to get a glimpse of her face, since she faced the other way when leaving, duh, so my comment is about the rest of her. I don’t mean to say she was hot or sexy or sort, she just looked really nice despite being dressed very modestly and had long slightly frizzy hair.
So, since the decision was made, I also went to relieve myself, it would be good for me in the long run anyways, it’s always better to talk with an empty tank, or you would subconsciously rush the conversation.
Even after being done, I did have a look around the hallway outside the theatre, but failing to locate anything interesting, I went back to my seat. But I was still early as my neighbours weren’t here yet. So, I took my seat and waited. Until eventually, she came back, and it was just her and her sister, who also seemed around her age.
And when I say around her age, from just the way she looked, I would expect her to be above 20 at the very least, she could be anywhere between 20-23, if she was any older, then she certainly didn’t look like it.
Speaking of looks, yeah… finally having gotten a look of her face properly, she was pretty for sure, nothing otherworldly like, but still very beautiful. She had slight acne on her face, a pointy nose, and a heart shaped face. She seemed perfect in the moment. But there was just so much more to come.
So, she naturally took her seat next to me once more, she didn’t have to look at the seat number this time. I would like to say that I was the reason she could effortlessly find her seat, but that would be a lie, the location of our seats was just impossible to confuse once you had sat there once.
Sitting down, she took out her phone like we all do to appear busy, but I have learned from experience that usually, people are not that bothered when disturbed from their doom scrolling. In fact, most people also want to have real interactions but don’t have the mental capacity, courage, or motivation to start a conversation.
So… I did it, I took a leap, I think it is the second time I have done it. Maybe I erased the fails from my memory. I really don’t trust my memory if you couldn’t tell, it is very fickle. The first time was when I talked to the friend I mentioned earlier for the first time. It of course had to be me who initiated the conversation, guys just have to deal with this truth of life unless you are “Insert handsome actor name here”, then you don’t need to initiate. Believe me, I look alright, but I still have never had anyone approach me for a conversation, it always has to be me.
Why? I ask WHY? WWHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE US? WHO ARE YOU TO ME? WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT YOU? WHAT PUTS YOU ON THE HIGH THRONE WHERE YOU DON’T DEEM US WORTHY OF TALKING TO UNLESS WE INITIATE IT? I am still doing it because I am trying to push myself out of the comfort I have been in my whole life. And this new city seems to be the perfect playground for it. But for some reason, even though I don’t have any friends here other than the one I talked about, I still don’t even consider talking to guys randomly, I believe that those type of friendships are best formed naturally and under certain circumstances, no point forcing them.
I say that, but I am actually the sort of person who doesn’t really need more than one good friend, then I know what question arises in your mind. And I already answered it, I haven’t had the chance to talk about any deeper stuff with her, mainly because we haven’t gone out together after the first time where we met, our schedules just haven’t aligned yet, but we do converse regularly.
As for what I said when I broke the ice, or at least tried to with this girl who sat next to me, “Hey, are you both sisters?” it’s a logical question since I wouldn’t have any way of knowing it unless told.
And she raises her head from the phone with a small yet somewhat awkward smile. “Yes, Yes we are sisters.”
“Oh, then how long did it take you to learn sign language, or did you start learning it ever since-“ I was inturruped, that’s how real conversations go folks.
“Ah, no, I have used it since childhood to converse with my sister.” She took a break, as I nodded and repeated bits of what she said, when she continued. “yeahh… She couldn’t talk ever since she was born right, so we have been communicating this way.”
I watched a video today where I learned that when people haven’t received love in their childhood, they naturally tend to sink into themselves when conversing, as if they are taking more space on this earth than they should be. There were a lot of other signs the video talked about, but this point matters here. If you wanna watch it, it’s called “The lifelong effect of not being loved as a child” It’s a really deep watch, I recommend, it might change how you view certain things in life, that is if you can retain what it says for more than 5 minutes after being done.
Moving along, I didn’t realise it then of course, I feel now that she was slightly going back into her seat when speaking, which instantly came to my mind when I was watching this video. Yes, I watched this video after coming home from the movie, which is what motivated me to write this at 1:30 am. Well… I started at 10:00 pm.
But then she went silent, so I asked what I had been sitting with for the past hour.
“I asked that because for example, if I wanted to learn sign language, then how long would it take?” Finally, I had asked everything I had come up with, the following conversation will have to rely on my conscious brain, which is not very… reliable.
“An no, I don’t know, like I said, I have been using it since childhood.” And the talk was over, I said ‘okay’ and sank back into my seat. I didn’t feel bad, I had still made conversation with a stranger, I could be proud with that fact for at least a week.
But for some reason, everything she said, from her words to her tone, slightly put me off. Like I had said before, from her looks, she definitely looked to be around 20, but her speech made it seem like she was still a teen, but that couldn’t be. She had a very light voice, like I could very easily tell that she wasn’t as old as I thought she was, maybe she could be 18 or 19, which was already no-go for me even though I am just 21, I would still prefer someone a bit closer to my age. Anyways, I hadn’t realised any of this this in that moment, I am talking about it here for no reason whatsoever.
I think I might like writing without structure this way. But It’s still really exhausting.
I was thinking about something else I could ask, when suddenly out of nowhere, she spoke. What she said, showed that she had clearly not gotten the message behind my last question properly.
“There are schools for it, schools where small children, children like my sister could learn. Special schools.” She didn’t seem sure of where she was going with this herself so I decided to help.
“Ohh okay, so your sister went to one of those schools?” But I wasn’t helping.
“No-No, she didn’t, we just did it at home.” She said with slight embarrassment.
“Ah, so she’s homeschooled then?” I thought I finally got it and would get a nod that would end this awkwardness for the both of us, but she had other plans.
“Oh no-no she wasn’t schooled, we just did whatever, she didn’t take any schooling.” She replied. I do not know what her emotions were like when she said these things, it’s hard to tell that in real life as compared to novels where the author can decide what emotion a character is showing with a particular dialogue.
Following that reply from her, there was just no way I couldn’t ask. Me, who is so inspired to learn sign language so he feels connected with those who can’t hear or speak, couldn’t just accept that you didn’t school someone just because they are deaf.
“Why? Why wasn’t she sent to school?” I asked with a curious look, so I don’t come off as intimidating.
BIG WAVES COMING GUYS, BRACE YOURSELVES.
“Ah.. she doesn’t have parents no? That’s why..”
I was speechless for a bit, sinking back into my seat, I had so many questions all of a sudden but hard to pick one. But I ultimately did.
“So who do you guys live with?” I asked with a slightly serious look.
“Oh, we live with the Sis who came with us, you saw right? She and her small kid.”
I was already bubbling with more question but, for some reason, she felt the need to add to it “I work for her, her…kid, I babysit him, like taking him to school and getting him back and stuff.” At that very moment, the other two characters were climbing the stairs that led to our seats. And she slightly pointed to them, as she whispered “sis and her kid”.
I looked there and then once again sank back into my seat.
The Sis closed in and while passing by in front of us, she casually asked her, the girl I had been talking to, “Do you wanna change seats?” She didn’t get any response the first time so after getting to her seat she made her kid ask her once again, and this time she responded.
For some reason, I knew she would refuse. And she did without hesitation.
Now you can’t imagine how much I had that I wanted to ask her at this very moment. Like… Where were you before you were with this sis, because her words did make it seem like she was now with this Sis, and she hadn’t been with her forever, so I wanted to know how her life had been until now, how’s this home and this sis treating her and her sister, had SHE had any schooling, and most importantly, something I only realised was the gist of everything I wanted to know after getting home, which was, are you happy in your life? With the cards that had been dealt for her and her sister, it was hard not to wonder. How a person who had been through all this and most probably so much more that they hadn’t mentioned, felt about life in general and their purpose.
But instead of saying or asking any of this, what I said next was , “ you’ve had quite an interesting life so far.”
And it was the last thing I got to say to her before the movie resumed. I couldn’t ask her anymore, not just because the movie had actually started to get interesting, which was also a reason since I was there to enjoy the supposedly good movie in the first place, but also because I suddenly had way too many reservations.
Firstly, she seemed younger than I initially thought, then secondly. there was her sis who didn’t give good vibes after her question about switching seats, I don’t like open conflicts, then there was the fact, that alright at one point, I can convince my parents that I am going to be with someone from another caste or religion or ethnicity or culture or whatever, but how am I to convince them for someone with no family to speak of.
I for one am not one to listen to my parents in such matters, but it would be a pain in the ass just having this conversation with them or just dealing with all the setbacks in general that would come from the distant family as well. Now once again, I give zero fucks about the distant family, but my immediate family does, and I don’t wanna cut ties with my parents or anything. But even that would have been maybe doable but for that I would have to know a person inside and out. And that they are worth it.
But the first and second point here stop me from doing that.
During the second half, I could feel that she was more comfortable in leaning even more towards me at some points. Of course, I wouldn’t say she was being over or too frivolous or anything, more like a lost cat who had found someone who might listen to what she had to say. But, I am a fucking retard.
I at that moment couldn’t realise that she had shared a big part of her life so easily with a complete stranger she knew nothing about. Now I know, I look quite harmless and in general carry the aura that would make someone be more willing to open up then for instance if they were talking to a rough looking guy. But that couldn’t really explain how much she shared. Maybe it was her age showing itself or a lack of maturity due to which she was unaware of what she was and wasn’t supposed to say. It could also be that in the life she had lived so far, she was expected to answer in detail and truthfully whatever was asked off her. Over-explaining for her might have served her better than under-explaining in some circumstances.
Whatever the case may be, in retrospect, the fact that she had been willing to share so much with me, makes me feel like I am truly helpless. I was supposed to do something for her, I don’t know what it could be, but the way I left things in the end was definitely not the right choice. But I can’t help it like I said at the start, no matter how much I keep telling myself that I have changed, I am still the fucking coward I was.
Anyways…
Her hair were also making their way towards my side more often now, but I had no idea how to react to it, neither was I in the state to react.
Because the movie had finally pulled itself out from the ashes and was actually going hard in the second half, like it was so intense that I was completely enthralled by the stuff going on screen. I could feel the vibrations which the director and the actor, which is the same person, were trying to send my way. I saw the culture they were trying to represent and I understood where they were coming from. The movie had taken all the build-up from first half and used it to showcase what they were really about in the second half.
So, I couldn’t find any moment in between to initiate another chat, we just kept changing positions in our seats, sometimes reclining, sometimes sitting straight up, sometimes leaning on the armrest, sometimes using both armrests while reclining, and accepting each other’s presence.
A lot of stuff still came to my mind as I watched the movie, the movie still wasn’t able to take complete control of my mind.
I couldn’t help think about all the negative things she could have gone through because of how pretty she was in her situation. But I tried to counter it by the fact that they seemed happy, wearing nice clothes, watching a movie with the most expensive seats in the theatre, though that mattered little because all seats cost about the same on Tuesdays here, but not exactly same. Their ‘sis’ might be a really caring person and had only asked her about switching in case I was bothering her, but I hadn’t thought of this then.
The movie ended. I enjoyed the end, though i won’t recommend anyone else to watch it unless on big screen, you won’t feel the vibrations at home. The movie was ‘Kantara: Chapter 1”
I wanted to sit for while to see if I get a chance to talk to her at the end, but I knew it would be hard with her ‘Sis’ around, I had created this mental barrier in my head that her sis was an evil person who didn’t like it when the Cinderella in her household got anything good. And boy was she like Cinderella.
The smell I mentioned at the start being hers, after sitting in such close proximity for so long, I can tell was probably the smell of kitchen, of cooking and washing utensils in general, it is all too common in our households in mothers but also because I have been doing my own cooking here for quite a while. So I know that smell quite well.
I might not have been the Prince Charming for her though, as she got up, and walked out following the rest of her ‘family’. At least she was the last to get up among them.
Well, she had a phone, so it might not be the Cinderella situation in the first place.
I knew I wont have a chance now so I just sat there and looked through some of the messages I had gotten from the only friend and my brother. But they weren’t worth replying instantly to so I got up and picked up my bag.
I was still taking glances in her direction as I walked towards the stairs, and as I started descending, I noticed her at the end of stairs turn around and look at me with a smile… but soon after we both averted our gazes, it wasn’t anything special, and she was also waiting for her actual sister to catch up to her.
Beyond this point, don’t get your hopes up, nothing happened.
For some reason, her family was still at the end of the stairs talking about something as I walked past them, even though I was almost the last person leaving the theatre.
They soon followed after me with that ‘kid’ following quite close to me. I thought about interacting with him but gave up immediately cuz I am horrible with kids, at least I think so. Soon we reached another staircase and this time, I was being closely followed by her for a bit, that is until I increased my pace and left them behind… I didn’t see them again.
Why I did that, you may ask. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know man, all I am left with are questions.
I had so many other random thoughts and details that I probably forgot to add, like I really wanted to offer her a movie on me, for her and her sister. I have recently fallen so in love with this theatre culture, being my brand-new hobby, that I really want everyone to experience it as much as they can. And this girl, like I said before, you might call it pity, but I think it’s her charm, that I would want her to have all the best things in the world. I for a moment considered if I could offer her all that, and it is a question I will keep asking myself for the rest of my life.
[If you have any questions about my though process or suggestions regarding my outlook on stuff or life in general, feel free to share. I definitely rushed it at the end and couldn’t mention all my thoughts, but its around 3 am now and I have to go to work tmrw.
How can someone not be special if they can force someone to stay up till so late to write about them by doing so little. I wrote over 5k words in a night when I have been having a hard time even getting to 500 words in a week. That means I have basically stopped writing these days, but she seemed to have relit the spark under my ass. I don’t think I can forget about her now that I have written all this.
Also, I will be a bit more honest with you guys since I have already said so much, I actually haven’t given up hope here. I am a lucky person, most things in life seem to work out for me, maybe because I have a positive outlook mostly and try to naturally manifest the good stuff. So… what I mean is, this new city I am in, isn’t very big, and the theatres here are limited. So you never know, there might be a part 2 in the future.]
If you actually read all this then thanks. I just really wanted to share this but didn’t have anyone to do it with so I just started writing. And you could already probably tell, but I am an introvert as well, so this is the best I can do when It comes to meeting new people.
I met someone today, someone truly special. I can’t put it to words exactly why she was special, but I will still try to do it since that’s why I am writing this.
I wanna know what I really feel. Am I truly regretful, am I the same person from 9th grade who thought he had changed but is still fucking scared of talking to the girl he likes in the class face to face? Have I truly not learned anything over the years. It sure doesn’t seem like it. Enough about me, the real star of this show is her.
Her whose name I am still unaware of. Now, whether I just didn’t have the opportunity to ask, or couldn’t be bothered to, is a debate… I wanna have fucking right fucking now.
The first time I saw her clearly, was a lot later in the story, we will get to that later.
The first time I sensed her presence was when she came and observed the number on the seat next to me, I mean we all like to do these pretences to let the other know exactly why we are there so they aren’t creeped out. Like you aren’t just sitting next to someone because you like them, so you need to show them that you are looking at the seat number, indicating that it’s your seat. I assume that’s what she did. 'Like your seat number is 2 and the seat number 1 is already occupied by me, there clearly isn't any other seat beyond me, so what's the doubt here?' Following which, she gracefully took the seat, and behind her followed a few others who sat next to her.
I hadn’t noticed them at first but now, I know exactly who all were there with her. But I will tell that later as well, fuck you.
As soon as she sat there, her perfume’s scent mixed with her own, assaulted my nose. And it wasn’t one I minded. Not amazing, but definitely better than just tolerable. You really hate it when someone’s perfume just makes you nauseous and you wonder how anyone in this world could ever actively make that choice. I just feel like, it is an instant sign that they are not the sort of person I ever wanna associate with, I just wouldn’t like them.
But then there’s my mom who says this about every single perfume/deodorant me or my brother have ever used, but she still loves us, I think.
Anyways, the first thing she did before she had even settled into her seat, was turn to me and ask, “How long has the movie been going for?”
And I took a few seconds to think about it, I don’t have an excuse for that, I just had a lot of thoughts regarding the ongoing movie, and then this girl talking to me out of nowhere, but I managed to answer in a clear voice, “Around 15-20 minutes, you missed quite a bit of exposition at the start.”, I said.
She gasped lightly, and turned to the girl sitting to her side and relayed what I said, but with really expressive gestures.
After doing that, she took her movie watching position, we all have one right?
I was honestly expecting her to ask a bit about what she had missed but she unfortunately didn’t. This movie was more action focused anyway, so maybe she felt she didn’t need it. But… now that I know what I know, it could very well be that she just didn’t understand what the word ‘exposition’ meant. You see, I was talking in my regional language but had used the English word ‘expostion’ since I didn’t have a better replacement for it from my language, or maybe I just wanted to seem cool, or some words just make more sense in certain languages, one of those.
At this point, I had already gotten a glimpse of her face, though not very clear, I could tell she was pretty. And from my peripheral vision, my mind had already analysed that her figure wasn’t bad either, which is why I wouldn’t have minded if she asked me for the gist. It might be ugly, but it is the truth about how my brain works, it’s not all bad though, since if her figure wasn’t satisfactory, then I would still have answered, just not been as eager about it.
But she didn’t.
Anyways, as the movie progressed, I was getting bored, this was supposed to be one of the best new releases, having grossed even more money that Avatar in first week earnings, but all I saw was a bunch of overacting and bad voice-overs for the translation, since this movie wasn’t really supposed to be in the language that I was watching it in. Being a true anime fan, ‘course I wouldn’t have approved of this, but the movie just wasn’t available in the original language in my city. And I had heard it was too good to miss, so here I was, about to make a core memory, or regret.
Very soon, as I was trying to understand the movie better, while still hoping for her to ask about the stuff she had missed, I noticed that her expressive hand gestures weren’t just a one-time thing. And it became evident pretty soon, that those gestures were actually her communicating with the person sitting next to her. I didn’t want to make any assumptions, but as it continued, there was no doubt left, that the girl sitting next to her couldn’t make sense of the vibrations in her ears.
Knowing that, I was a bit sympathetic for her situation, both their situation, but without knowing the full context, its hard to feel for anyone. At least it is for me. All I could think of right now, was that it gave me the perfect reason to start a conversation with her.
It is a life goal for me to learn sign language, I do not know when it sprouted, but I just want to learn it for the sake of it, I know it is pretty hard but I just don’t want to be blocked out of a whole group of people because they were just dealt the wrong cards, or maybe I am just an opportunistic bastard who wants to get ahead of the curve. Anyway, I just wanna tell you that I didn’t pull this motivation out of my ass just to talk to her, I have had it for a while. Context matters.
Several other things were going through my head at this time as well, how long is this movie gonna go for before we get the intermission? What exactly am I gonna say to her during the intermission? Why is she leaning towards my side so much?
Let’s talk about that last one for a bit. Why the fuck don’t movie theatres have two armrests on each side so people don’t have to share a fucking armrest, its so awkward especially when you don’t want to be touching the other person. It wasn’t that awkward in this case though.
In fact, for the most part, I have somehow had good experience with these armrests. Or I just remember the good ones, since I probably just didn’t use the armrest when surrounded by guys on both sides. And somebody tell me do girls really not realise whether their hair is invading someone’s space or they just act oblivious to it?
Also, this has happened twice now, where these girls just flick their hair to the side, hitting you in the shoulder/arm or even face with some locks in the process. The first girl who did it was really finnicky and doing it way too much, I don’t think it had anything to do with me.
And the other one was today, where she would sort her hair quite often as well. But it wasn’t as invasive as last time, she was keeping them in bounds, so what does it tell about when… aah.h nevermind, I don’t want to say anything bad or suggestive about her. She deserves all the good things in the world.
Anyways, these two are among the three most memorable neighbours I have had in theatre, but the third one, also a girl, didn’t flick her hair, she also sorted them from time to time, but she was careful about not troubling anyone. Well, now she is the only person I can actually say is a friend of mine in this new city.
We talk about movies and anime a lot, we met over the chainsaw man movie, so ‘course we talk about anime, even though she isn’t an avid watcher anymore. But I can’t think about any future with her, so I try not to take the conversation any deeper, I really appreciate having her in my life as a friend, and she is also pretty, and a good person, but just not my type of person. I mean I would also like to discuss life in general and universe at some point but haven’t gotten the chance. She also seems to think that way, I don’t know… at least I think so since she also hasn’t tried changing topics other than once mentioning that all we talk about is movies with a laughing emoji. But that’s a story for another time.
Anyways once again, as I was saying, She would lean towards my side quite often, it is not that uncommon actually, people just lean on one of the armrests when watching any movie, but I also had to lean on that one as well, so without sharing any words, we took turns, she probably didn’t even realise it, but that’s how theatres work, eventually you wanna fall back in your seat so you lean back, giving the other person the time to take the armrest until that person wants to lean back… and the cycle continues. Though there were moments when we were both sharing it, nothing awkward though, those were the most expensive seats we had in the theatre, so the armrest was quite wide. But of course, there was some contact here and there, nothing either of us would make anything of.
Just keep that in mind for now.
The movie continued, and with it, the thoughts in my mind ran at full throttle as I watched the movie while somehow going through all the possibilities the two people next to me held. Including how my conversation during the interval was supposed to go. Don’t look forward to it though, you will be disappointed.
The movie had been really disappointing until this point, it was trying to be forcefully funny, which is never fun, and many people were laughing at those jokes which helps people like me feel superior but in this case, she was also laughing at some of them. So, it didn’t feel as good to be superior. You know, when looking for a partner, the most important thing you want from them is to be at the same intellectual level. But I get ahead of myself, since just laughing at jokes on screen doesn’t talk much about a person’s intellectual levels. Who am I even kidding? ‘Course it does.
Anyways, after the infinitely long first half, the intermission was here. And I was in doubt whether I should go pee, i had a small pressure building up but It wasn’t anywhere near emergency levels, so I could wait if need be. But the decision was made for me when she and all the people she came with got up and moved out, not sure for what, food or washroom, but they did.
And this finally gave me a good look at the person in question, and she looked realllllly good, this was when I had yet to get a glimpse of her face, since she faced the other way when leaving, duh, so my comment is about the rest of her. I don’t mean to say she was hot or sexy or sort, she just looked really nice despite being dressed very modestly and had long slightly frizzy hair.
So, since the decision was made, I also went to relieve myself, it would be good for me in the long run anyways, it’s always better to talk with an empty tank, or you would subconsciously rush the conversation.
Even after being done, I did have a look around the hallway outside the theatre, but failing to locate anything interesting, I went back to my seat. But I was still early as my neighbours weren’t here yet. So, I took my seat and waited. Until eventually, she came back, and it was just her and her sister, who also seemed around her age.
And when I say around her age, from just the way she looked, I would expect her to be above 20 at the very least, she could be anywhere between 20-23, if she was any older, then she certainly didn’t look like it.
Speaking of looks, yeah… finally having gotten a look of her face properly, she was pretty for sure, nothing otherworldly like, but still very beautiful. She had slight acne on her face, a pointy nose, and a heart shaped face. She seemed perfect in the moment. But there was just so much more to come.
So, she naturally took her seat next to me once more, she didn’t have to look at the seat number this time. I would like to say that I was the reason she could effortlessly find her seat, but that would be a lie, the location of our seats was just impossible to confuse once you had sat there once.
Sitting down, she took out her phone like we all do to appear busy, but I have learned from experience that usually, people are not that bothered when disturbed from their doom scrolling. In fact, most people also want to have real interactions but don’t have the mental capacity, courage, or motivation to start a conversation.
So… I did it, I took a leap, I think it is the second time I have done it. Maybe I erased the fails from my memory. I really don’t trust my memory if you couldn’t tell, it is very fickle. The first time was when I talked to the friend I mentioned earlier for the first time. It of course had to be me who initiated the conversation, guys just have to deal with this truth of life unless you are “Insert handsome actor name here”, then you don’t need to initiate. Believe me, I look alright, but I still have never had anyone approach me for a conversation, it always has to be me.
Why? I ask WHY? WWHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE US? WHO ARE YOU TO ME? WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT YOU? WHAT PUTS YOU ON THE HIGH THRONE WHERE YOU DON’T DEEM US WORTHY OF TALKING TO UNLESS WE INITIATE IT? I am still doing it because I am trying to push myself out of the comfort I have been in my whole life. And this new city seems to be the perfect playground for it. But for some reason, even though I don’t have any friends here other than the one I talked about, I still don’t even consider talking to guys randomly, I believe that those type of friendships are best formed naturally and under certain circumstances, no point forcing them.
I say that, but I am actually the sort of person who doesn’t really need more than one good friend, then I know what question arises in your mind. And I already answered it, I haven’t had the chance to talk about any deeper stuff with her, mainly because we haven’t gone out together after the first time where we met, our schedules just haven’t aligned yet, but we do converse regularly.
As for what I said when I broke the ice, or at least tried to with this girl who sat next to me, “Hey, are you both sisters?” it’s a logical question since I wouldn’t have any way of knowing it unless told.
And she raises her head from the phone with a small yet somewhat awkward smile. “Yes, Yes we are sisters.”
“Oh, then how long did it take you to learn sign language, or did you start learning it ever since-“ I was inturruped, that’s how real conversations go folks.
“Ah, no, I have used it since childhood to converse with my sister.” She took a break, as I nodded and repeated bits of what she said, when she continued. “yeahh… She couldn’t talk ever since she was born right, so we have been communicating this way.”
I watched a video today where I learned that when people haven’t received love in their childhood, they naturally tend to sink into themselves when conversing, as if they are taking more space on this earth than they should be. There were a lot of other signs the video talked about, but this point matters here. If you wanna watch it, it’s called “The lifelong effect of not being loved as a child” It’s a really deep watch, I recommend, it might change how you view certain things in life, that is if you can retain what it says for more than 5 minutes after being done.
Moving along, I didn’t realise it then of course, I feel now that she was slightly going back into her seat when speaking, which instantly came to my mind when I was watching this video. Yes, I watched this video after coming home from the movie, which is what motivated me to write this at 1:30 am. Well… I started at 10:00 pm.
But then she went silent, so I asked what I had been sitting with for the past hour.
“I asked that because for example, if I wanted to learn sign language, then how long would it take?” Finally, I had asked everything I had come up with, the following conversation will have to rely on my conscious brain, which is not very… reliable.
“An no, I don’t know, like I said, I have been using it since childhood.” And the talk was over, I said ‘okay’ and sank back into my seat. I didn’t feel bad, I had still made conversation with a stranger, I could be proud with that fact for at least a week.
But for some reason, everything she said, from her words to her tone, slightly put me off. Like I had said before, from her looks, she definitely looked to be around 20, but her speech made it seem like she was still a teen, but that couldn’t be. She had a very light voice, like I could very easily tell that she wasn’t as old as I thought she was, maybe she could be 18 or 19, which was already no-go for me even though I am just 21, I would still prefer someone a bit closer to my age. Anyways, I hadn’t realised any of this this in that moment, I am talking about it here for no reason whatsoever.
I think I might like writing without structure this way. But It’s still really exhausting.
I was thinking about something else I could ask, when suddenly out of nowhere, she spoke. What she said, showed that she had clearly not gotten the message behind my last question properly.
“There are schools for it, schools where small children, children like my sister could learn. Special schools.” She didn’t seem sure of where she was going with this herself so I decided to help.
“Ohh okay, so your sister went to one of those schools?” But I wasn’t helping.
“No-No, she didn’t, we just did it at home.” She said with slight embarrassment.
“Ah, so she’s homeschooled then?” I thought I finally got it and would get a nod that would end this awkwardness for the both of us, but she had other plans.
“Oh no-no she wasn’t schooled, we just did whatever, she didn’t take any schooling.” She replied. I do not know what her emotions were like when she said these things, it’s hard to tell that in real life as compared to novels where the author can decide what emotion a character is showing with a particular dialogue.
Following that reply from her, there was just no way I couldn’t ask. Me, who is so inspired to learn sign language so he feels connected with those who can’t hear or speak, couldn’t just accept that you didn’t school someone just because they are deaf.
“Why? Why wasn’t she sent to school?” I asked with a curious look, so I don’t come off as intimidating.
BIG WAVES COMING GUYS, BRACE YOURSELVES.
“Ah.. she doesn’t have parents no? That’s why..”
I was speechless for a bit, sinking back into my seat, I had so many questions all of a sudden but hard to pick one. But I ultimately did.
“So who do you guys live with?” I asked with a slightly serious look.
“Oh, we live with the Sis who came with us, you saw right? She and her small kid.”
I was already bubbling with more question but, for some reason, she felt the need to add to it “I work for her, her…kid, I babysit him, like taking him to school and getting him back and stuff.” At that very moment, the other two characters were climbing the stairs that led to our seats. And she slightly pointed to them, as she whispered “sis and her kid”.
I looked there and then once again sank back into my seat.
The Sis closed in and while passing by in front of us, she casually asked her, the girl I had been talking to, “Do you wanna change seats?” She didn’t get any response the first time so after getting to her seat she made her kid ask her once again, and this time she responded.
For some reason, I knew she would refuse. And she did without hesitation.
Now you can’t imagine how much I had that I wanted to ask her at this very moment. Like… Where were you before you were with this sis, because her words did make it seem like she was now with this Sis, and she hadn’t been with her forever, so I wanted to know how her life had been until now, how’s this home and this sis treating her and her sister, had SHE had any schooling, and most importantly, something I only realised was the gist of everything I wanted to know after getting home, which was, are you happy in your life? With the cards that had been dealt for her and her sister, it was hard not to wonder. How a person who had been through all this and most probably so much more that they hadn’t mentioned, felt about life in general and their purpose.
But instead of saying or asking any of this, what I said next was , “ you’ve had quite an interesting life so far.”
And it was the last thing I got to say to her before the movie resumed. I couldn’t ask her anymore, not just because the movie had actually started to get interesting, which was also a reason since I was there to enjoy the supposedly good movie in the first place, but also because I suddenly had way too many reservations.
Firstly, she seemed younger than I initially thought, then secondly. there was her sis who didn’t give good vibes after her question about switching seats, I don’t like open conflicts, then there was the fact, that alright at one point, I can convince my parents that I am going to be with someone from another caste or religion or ethnicity or culture or whatever, but how am I to convince them for someone with no family to speak of.
I for one am not one to listen to my parents in such matters, but it would be a pain in the ass just having this conversation with them or just dealing with all the setbacks in general that would come from the distant family as well. Now once again, I give zero fucks about the distant family, but my immediate family does, and I don’t wanna cut ties with my parents or anything. But even that would have been maybe doable but for that I would have to know a person inside and out. And that they are worth it.
But the first and second point here stop me from doing that.
During the second half, I could feel that she was more comfortable in leaning even more towards me at some points. Of course, I wouldn’t say she was being over or too frivolous or anything, more like a lost cat who had found someone who might listen to what she had to say. But, I am a fucking retard.
I at that moment couldn’t realise that she had shared a big part of her life so easily with a complete stranger she knew nothing about. Now I know, I look quite harmless and in general carry the aura that would make someone be more willing to open up then for instance if they were talking to a rough looking guy. But that couldn’t really explain how much she shared. Maybe it was her age showing itself or a lack of maturity due to which she was unaware of what she was and wasn’t supposed to say. It could also be that in the life she had lived so far, she was expected to answer in detail and truthfully whatever was asked off her. Over-explaining for her might have served her better than under-explaining in some circumstances.
Whatever the case may be, in retrospect, the fact that she had been willing to share so much with me, makes me feel like I am truly helpless. I was supposed to do something for her, I don’t know what it could be, but the way I left things in the end was definitely not the right choice. But I can’t help it like I said at the start, no matter how much I keep telling myself that I have changed, I am still the fucking coward I was.
Anyways…
Her hair were also making their way towards my side more often now, but I had no idea how to react to it, neither was I in the state to react.
Because the movie had finally pulled itself out from the ashes and was actually going hard in the second half, like it was so intense that I was completely enthralled by the stuff going on screen. I could feel the vibrations which the director and the actor, which is the same person, were trying to send my way. I saw the culture they were trying to represent and I understood where they were coming from. The movie had taken all the build-up from first half and used it to showcase what they were really about in the second half.
So, I couldn’t find any moment in between to initiate another chat, we just kept changing positions in our seats, sometimes reclining, sometimes sitting straight up, sometimes leaning on the armrest, sometimes using both armrests while reclining, and accepting each other’s presence.
A lot of stuff still came to my mind as I watched the movie, the movie still wasn’t able to take complete control of my mind.
I couldn’t help think about all the negative things she could have gone through because of how pretty she was in her situation. But I tried to counter it by the fact that they seemed happy, wearing nice clothes, watching a movie with the most expensive seats in the theatre, though that mattered little because all seats cost about the same on Tuesdays here, but not exactly same. Their ‘sis’ might be a really caring person and had only asked her about switching in case I was bothering her, but I hadn’t thought of this then.
The movie ended. I enjoyed the end, though i won’t recommend anyone else to watch it unless on big screen, you won’t feel the vibrations at home. The movie was ‘Kantara: Chapter 1”
I wanted to sit for while to see if I get a chance to talk to her at the end, but I knew it would be hard with her ‘Sis’ around, I had created this mental barrier in my head that her sis was an evil person who didn’t like it when the Cinderella in her household got anything good. And boy was she like Cinderella.
The smell I mentioned at the start being hers, after sitting in such close proximity for so long, I can tell was probably the smell of kitchen, of cooking and washing utensils in general, it is all too common in our households in mothers but also because I have been doing my own cooking here for quite a while. So I know that smell quite well.
I might not have been the Prince Charming for her though, as she got up, and walked out following the rest of her ‘family’. At least she was the last to get up among them.
Well, she had a phone, so it might not be the Cinderella situation in the first place.
I knew I wont have a chance now so I just sat there and looked through some of the messages I had gotten from the only friend and my brother. But they weren’t worth replying instantly to so I got up and picked up my bag.
I was still taking glances in her direction as I walked towards the stairs, and as I started descending, I noticed her at the end of stairs turn around and look at me with a smile… but soon after we both averted our gazes, it wasn’t anything special, and she was also waiting for her actual sister to catch up to her.
Beyond this point, don’t get your hopes up, nothing happened.
For some reason, her family was still at the end of the stairs talking about something as I walked past them, even though I was almost the last person leaving the theatre.
They soon followed after me with that ‘kid’ following quite close to me. I thought about interacting with him but gave up immediately cuz I am horrible with kids, at least I think so. Soon we reached another staircase and this time, I was being closely followed by her for a bit, that is until I increased my pace and left them behind… I didn’t see them again.
Why I did that, you may ask. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know man, all I am left with are questions.
I had so many other random thoughts and details that I probably forgot to add, like I really wanted to offer her a movie on me, for her and her sister. I have recently fallen so in love with this theatre culture, being my brand-new hobby, that I really want everyone to experience it as much as they can. And this girl, like I said before, you might call it pity, but I think it’s her charm, that I would want her to have all the best things in the world. I for a moment considered if I could offer her all that, and it is a question I will keep asking myself for the rest of my life.
[If you have any questions about my though process or suggestions regarding my outlook on stuff or life in general, feel free to share. I definitely rushed it at the end and couldn’t mention all my thoughts, but its around 3 am now and I have to go to work tmrw.
How can someone not be special if they can force someone to stay up till so late to write about them by doing so little. I wrote over 5k words in a night when I have been having a hard time even getting to 500 words in a week. That means I have basically stopped writing these days, but she seemed to have relit the spark under my ass. I don’t think I can forget about her now that I have written all this.
Also, I will be a bit more honest with you guys since I have already said so much, I actually haven’t given up hope here. I am a lucky person, most things in life seem to work out for me, maybe because I have a positive outlook mostly and try to naturally manifest the good stuff. So… what I mean is, this new city I am in, isn’t very big, and the theatres here are limited. So you never know, there might be a part 2 in the future.]
If you actually read all this then thanks. I just really wanted to share this but didn’t have anyone to do it with so I just started writing. And you could already probably tell, but I am an introvert as well, so this is the best I can do when It comes to meeting new people.