I just published the 10th Chapter of my story, and I'd like to hear some fresh thoughts and opinions.

[ForestDweller]

Aegis, aegidos. Aigises might be the correct English plural, but it just sounds terrible in my ears. I recommend using the Greek plural "aegides". Flows better.

But aside from that, you have a target audience with high standards. You can be pretty successful with mediocre and even terrible writing here on scribble as long as you write about smut, gender bender, girl love, harem, Isekai, LitRPGs. The crowd reads everything and doesn't care much about quality. They genuinely don't care.

Example of place 1 on the current trending list.

“Haaah, finally a bed! *poomf*. . .*creeaak*. . . Am I really, that heavy?. . . No answer huh.” I said as I fondled my now, envious chest.


‘Having her genes feels amazing!’


–“Mngh-ahn!!” I moaned


I had brushed my nipple while ‘experimenting’ with my chest.


–“Oh no, I got turned on . . . Mnnn.” I said as I continued.


Suddenly, my crotch began to feel like it was on fire. My mini-me, started to wake from its slumber! . . . One by one, my clothing became scarce until none was left.

You have none of these tags and will thus have a hard time. Your readers will expect more from you.

That's your the typical web novel writing. First person from the perspective of a wacky MC.

And it has the advantage of not being a result of Google Translate.

 

[Deleted member 29081]

This is not feedback just something I wanted to ask.

How did you get the block and lines in your chapter?

1. Align center
2. Write your text
3. Highlight and convert to preformatted (the dropdown where it says "Paragraph")
4. Highlight again and italicize

Voila, you have a cutaway card.

 

[Deleted member 29081]

I read the first two chapters and the first bit of the 10th chapter(up to meanwhile).

I think it's alright. I had to re-read some stuff a couple of times, but that's likely just me. I have to do that often. I found it pretty easy to read through.

Actually, it's funny, the example @EternalSunset0 used in their excerpt, I found it amazingly difficult to read. I had to re-read it 6 times. For some reason, I find it easier to read things I can bite into, as opposed to paragraphs of one or two sentences. My brain just dies. I am weird.

One thing I can say I find really annoying is the inconsistent paragraph lengths, but then, this is just me, possibly. Especially the very long ones. And I'm sure I've messed this up at times in my own story too. I find a variance of one or two lines(at the 22px I read at) the easier to read.

Here is a sample of your story:

Now for reference, here is how I've done the length in one of my recent chapters:

I'm not really sure how others will feel, and my writing is certainly no example. As @Assurbanipal_II has pointed ut to me a lot already, I have way more issues than I originally realized. I'm not sure how long you've been writing, I'm barely over a month in.

I can say I found your chapter lengths, what I read, pretty nice, no complaints there. This is my opinion and preference, but I find anything below 1000 words insanely short most times. 2000 to 3000 seems reasonable, and enough time to get immersed a bit and feel invested. 4000 to 6000 and I'm in freaking VR land in my mind with the story.

I can't say I understand the low ratings people are giving your story. I have no room to talk I suppose given I've got some of the things people say attracts readers who don't care. "Smut, Gender Bender, Isekai, and LitRPG"

Actually speaking of that, the excerpt @Assurbanipal_II posted of the "Number 1" story -- oof, I feel so cringe. But, I imagine I've not written great things either, though, somehow I'd like to hope it's not on that level.

Also, I've never understood the obsession with massive tits. Seriously, be practical people. Really though, is there any good way to write about sex? I say that, but, I got a lot of nice advice from Moonpearl previously. Hopefully, it paid off, and my 13th chapter is not as cringe as that excerpt was.

I'm trying to think if I can say anything else useful here, uhm, I guess this is being nitpicky, and I'm sure I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes there are things we think we need to say when we might not really.



I don't really feel like the bit "used his immense adult strength" was needed. To me it felt like you were trying to emphasize how the kid couldn't open the trap and an adult could. But as @Assurbanipal_II has told me before with some things I've written, that's sort of implied and could be guessed.

Thing is, personally, while I might read that and be like, eh, not needed, I'm not going to dock you much for it. Maybe it's because I've been writing myself, I don't know.

I kind of feel like, unless you're going to spend weeks handcrafting every single sentence *cough* @Assurbanipal_II *cough* it's not something I, personally would as a reader, care much about unless it became overly done and obnoxious.

Well, I can't think of anything else, so... good luck?

Oh and... uhm, seeing as I've been critical, I feel the need to say, you don't have to read my thousands and thousands of words and tell me how bad I am. No need, not at all, it'd be too much trouble, please avoid the eye strain.

Actually, @Assurbanipal_II already has. Productively, of course. <3
P.S. Where is the next chapter of Schwarz?! WHERE?! Imma take your cookie.

I might have to fix my paragraphing in my earlier chapters, but I think it improves in my most recent ones. Thanks.

 

[Aoibh]

1. Align center
2. Write your text
3. Highlight and convert to preformatted (the dropdown where it says "Paragraph")
4. Highlight again and italicize

Voila, you have a cutaway card.

Thank you!

 

[TheTrinary]

Still doing the feedback swap?

 

[Deleted member 29081]

Still doing the feedback swap?

Looks nice. I'll give the entire thing a read since there are only 4 entries.

 

[TheTrinary]

Looks nice. I'll give the entire thing a read since there are only 4 entries.

Alrighty. I give yours a look over tomorrow.