I just Need some Criticism for my First Chapter on Psykers

[MrDarkness1234]

It may not be much but I just need know If there's anyone here to review it a little bit Here

 

[tiaf]

I make it short and painless:

1. Capitalization
The beginning of a sentence is capitalized. It’s very obvious when two paragraphs in the first half aren’t. Also, keep the “I” capitalized too since it’s first person perspective.

2. Punctuation
A space is to be set after a comma. Don’t substitute the period in dialogues with a comma, unless the sentence continues:

“He did that. It was horrible.” She said aggravated.

“He did that. It was horrible,” said she aggravated.

3. Abuse of color
Italics for the voice in his head is enough. The color makes it look unprofessional.

4. Long sentences

So I decided to get out of my house for some fresh air and then I almost died for some unknown reason then go along with my day because i really can’t afford to pay for a check up.

So I decided to get out of my house for some fresh air. Then, for some unknown reason, I almost died. However, instead of going to the hospital, I continued with my day as if nothing happened. For one, there were no visible injuries. Secondly, I can’t afford to pay for a check up.

Shorter sentences, more variety in prepositions.

5. Personal advice

• Use more suitable vocabulary for the god of darkness. He sounds like a brat without education to me with all the cursing. Old beings can be contemptuous while having eloquent speech.
• Put your chapter through a spellchecker. (Grammarly/Docs for basic punctuation/misspelling, Hemingway Editor for clearer writing)
• Your synopsis is in serious need of revision.

Hope it helps

 

[MrDarkness1234]

I make it short and painless:

1. Capitalization
The beginning of a sentence is capitalized. It’s very obvious when two paragraphs in the first half aren’t. Also, keep the “I” capitalized too since it’s first person perspective.

2. Punctuation
A space is to be set after a comma. Don’t substitute the period in dialogues with a comma, unless the sentence continues:

“He did that. It was horrible.” She said aggravated.

“He did that. It was horrible,” said she aggravated.

3. Abuse of color
Italics for the voice in his head is enough. The color makes it look unprofessional.

4. Long sentences


So I decided to get out of my house for some fresh air. Then, for some unknown reason, I almost died. However, instead of going to the hospital, I continued with my day as if nothing happened. For one, there were no visible injuries. Secondly, I can’t afford to pay for a check up.

Shorter sentences, more variety in prepositions.

5. Personal advice

• Use more suitable vocabulary for the god of darkness. He sounds like a brat without education to me with all the cursing. Old beings can be contemptuous while having eloquent speech.
• Put your chapter through a spellchecker. (Grammarly/Docs for basic punctuation/misspelling, Hemingway Editor for clearer writing)
• Your synopsis is in serious need of revision.

Hope it helps

All of it was helpful except for the this​

• Use more suitable vocabulary for the god of darkness. He sounds like a brat without education to me with all the cursing. Old beings can be contemptuous while having eloquent speech. Hope it helps

So im planning to rewrite tonight so thank you

 

[tiaf]

All of it was helpful except for the this

It’s just my personal preference. When I think about a god, who existed since ancient times presumably, then shouldn’t his vocabulary include some old-fashioned words?

Like you can guess the age of someone based on their wording.

Instead of “stupid brat” I would write “foolish mortal”, “insect”. Straight out refusing their existence. But you’re free to ignore it.

But please write experience in your synopsis right, upside down are two words and it’s “A successful novelist...”

(Question: How can he be successful, but can’t afford a check up?)

 

[Wretch]

Okay, so I read it and the first thing that stands out to me is the idea isn't bad, but its really hard for me to understand. I cant tell what tense it is in as it keeps flipping around. You also tend to use run on sentences and the spacing is confusing. And the misspellings of some words I can understand but there are others that look like complete gibberish.
In your description you write 'an' before a consonant but you only need to put that before a vowel, I.e.: "A successful" as opposed to "an successful". When you add the 'n' I think it's a typo for "an unsuccessful" instead. Maybe it is, idk.
There is also the fact that you keep on bringing up information not explicitly stated or mentioned in the beginning of the chapter that is needed for flow. Like how he almost died, but somehow I didn't catch that part. And then they suddenly mention some "poor souls" that really seem to have no relevance to the plot so far.
Here's my suggestion: Start with the meeting and assert the "god" of darkness's evilness, (you can mention him eating souls here that way later on when he tries to bargain with the MC using them it doesn't come out of left field.) and then you can continue on with MC beating him down with the catchy song and tragic backstory. It's more cohesive this way.
As before suggested by @tiaf Grammerly and Google Docs/Word can rlly help with grammar and punctuation, but for sentence structure and story flow I suggest you get an editor, as they can see it much better than any computer/editing software I've ever seen.
I think your story has a lot of potential, but it's like a diamond in the rough, you need to polish it. Good luck! ☆⌒(≧▽° )

 

[MrDarkness1234]

Thank you soo much for saying that.

I'll do my best to polish it.