How is my grammar and presentation? [Technomen Chapter One]

[karaokecarol]

Writing a monthly-release romantic tragedy with transhumanist elements. I'm curious to know how successful I am at establishing the environment around the story I want to tell, as well as if there are any grammatical errors I didn't notice when I was writing the story, or if there are some things that I wrote in that aren't clear and aren't good at helping to build the world I am trying to establish.

Also just general criticisms/praise, what I did right/wrong, etc.

Technomen - Chapter One | Scribble Hub

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[greyblob]

reading in present felt odd, but other than that nothing stood out. grammar seemed fine to me, though sentence complexity could use some work. you add too much details for my taste, especially at the start. I skipped a bunch to keep going. floating dialogues are obnoxious. they're okay-ish for on the phone conversations, but otherwise they should be accompanied by something.
the conversation between the two was surprisingly emotional; however, the rest (manager & company) felt robotic and stale.