David V. Goliath believes himself to be an ordinary guy with a stupid name. He has no way of knowing that his life is about to change. That he is anything but ordinary. He is the planet's newest three-slotter, beings of legend whose mere mention is enough to spark awe...
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I was wondering if some readers could read this story and provide some feedback. The lack of feedback has been a major detriment and I think there is enough material now that someone could provide genuine feedback for how the story is progressing.
Please help. I will be eternally helpful.
Please check it out and leave a rating if you like. Thanks for reading this.
Your story is pretty interesting! I read through till the latest chapter and boy did it leave me hanging on my seat.
Although the pacing needs some work and there are a few missing words here and there the development is pretty solid and could still leave some impact on the reader. In my opinion I felt like the pacing was a bit too fast and that the side character development was pretty template. I felt like you could slow down the pace and let us feel a bit more the way the characters are supposed to be if you detailed their interaction.
I don't expect you to detail everything I just want a little more interaction so we get a feel for who the other person is. Since you're writing in first person perspective the best way to do this is to give the readers the small details of the other character's action. It doesn't have to be all the way over the top detailed like how one's eyes swim in nervousness while he fiddled with his fingers or something. That isn't natural. It can be something as small as a change in posture or maybe a slight furrow in one's brow. The action is small however it is big enough for a person who is close to you to notice.
You've been doing well with the story and character development just that your pacing needs some work. There are portions in which I'm glad you skipped and others in which I wanted maybe a little more than just a sentence of description. For example, I liked how you handled the training portion in headquarters it has enough detail to make me feel intrigued yet also skips the other grindy portion of it that would make me feel bored. However in the earlier portion of the story I kinda wanted to see more of the interaction between the main character and the other untethered when he first started out and was training with Samuel.
That portion you basically blazed through with sentence description. I was hoping to see their dialogue and maybe if they'd get a little chummier after talking. It brings the reader closer to your side characters and also relate more to your main character. With this closeness, the hit you gave in the recent chapters with one of the characters
Frost's betrayal
would hit us harder and will let the reader feel it more.
If you gave us some more interaction you could foreshadow the thing I mentioned in the spoiler in a way that isn't too overbearing and obvious.
Since Frost's reason was for power, he looks a little mad crazy however you hid all of this madness till he snapped in the recent chapter so the best way for this betrayal to hurt is to make us readers feel his dependability. Show us situations where he is a stable factor for the mess in David's life. Then you can hint here and there his impatience to get David's power for himself. It gives the reader some inkling of uneasiness, however if you want to not include this you can give the uneasiness in another way. Frost can be the one who is trusted blindly by David and Frost can act unbelievably kind and giving without expecting anything back. He essentially becomes a good person. So when he betrays David it hurts. "Why did you think I treated you so well?"
Overall I guess it would be the development in the early chapters felt a bit lacking to the climax you're trying to give in the recent chapters. Aside from this your story is pretty good!
