Cookiez_N_Potionz
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Honest criticism \ •~• /
- Thread starter Cookiez_N_Potionz
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fayethemouse
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Read the intro and out to part 3. Hope this helps!
The big thing to me is that it's very "and then" writing. There's an interesting video from Trey Parker and Matt Stone where they talk about how writing should never be "This happens. And then, that other thing happens." Instead, between each "beat" -- each moment in the story -- there should be a "therefore" or a "but." "This happens. Therefore, that other thing happens."
I found - and YMMV - that each story beat was very disjointed from each other. The ideas are cool - magic dragons, a school, a world with medical issues, but I couldn't connect why these things were happening to each other.
Stylistically, the thing that kept nagging at me was that everything is like something else, but not described.
Last thing? There are basic proofing issues. I'm not gonna line-item them, but some would be caught by an automated checker.
The big thing to me is that it's very "and then" writing. There's an interesting video from Trey Parker and Matt Stone where they talk about how writing should never be "This happens. And then, that other thing happens." Instead, between each "beat" -- each moment in the story -- there should be a "therefore" or a "but." "This happens. Therefore, that other thing happens."
I found - and YMMV - that each story beat was very disjointed from each other. The ideas are cool - magic dragons, a school, a world with medical issues, but I couldn't connect why these things were happening to each other.
Stylistically, the thing that kept nagging at me was that everything is like something else, but not described.
Doing it once, or establishing than Tegan (or the narrator) solely thinks in references, or something? That's ok. But even with war reenactments, are we talking, say, Saving Private Ryan or Platoon?
Last thing? There are basic proofing issues. I'm not gonna line-item them, but some would be caught by an automated checker.