Good start. Looking for feedback on writing style/grammar/etc.

[ngram]

Hi all,

I recently, in the last couple of days, started posting a new series I was working on. It's my first time posting anything online ever, so I was super nervous about doing so; not so much about getting negative feedback or criticism, but not getting any at all. Luckily, graciously, I have a few comments and favorites already which makes me smile. It's a good start to me.

That being said, I am a fledgling writer who has dreams like most writers do to eventually, somehow, do it full time. As such, I am more worried about my style of writing and grammatical choices. Does it read easily? Are there constant, glaring mistakes that make my readers pause or interrupt the flow of the story? Is everything I'm doing from the ground up just awful and I need to rethink how to tell the story?

These kind of thoughts run rampant, so I was really wanting to reach out to other authors and see what their thoughts were on these questions of mine.

If you find the time, please read my prologue and/or the first chapter of my story. I know not everyone writes the same or can have the same tone of voice, but I would love any and all constructive criticism and opinions.

Thank you in advance for any help!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/21642/delinquents-of-aristes-academy/

 

[jinxs2011]

Fairly good in terms of flow and general grammar, but just as an example, this para:

"Their Master was glaring hard enough to bore into them. The group of servants swallowed hard, trying to look composed. Years ago they had used the resources at their disposal to track their quarry from the remote central regions of the Varien Kingdom and made several moves to capture them. Over the past few years, however, the quarry has slipped their web numerous times, resulting in many deaths of their soldiers. These 'children', as the woman put it, are far more capable than one would expect. They are fully grown now and have come of age, with incredible magical power if the reports are to be believed. It would be prudent to leave them alone, as reports made it seem as though they want nothing to do with their blood relation to the royal family in the first place."

First portion: "Their Master was glaring hard enough to bore into them. The group of servants swallowed hard, trying to look composed. Years ago they had used the resources at their disposal to track their quarry from the remote central regions of the Varien Kingdom and made several moves to capture them. "
Past tense.

Second portion: "Over the past few years, however, the quarry has slipped their web numerous times, resulting in many deaths of their soldiers. These 'children', as the woman put it, are far more capable than one would expect. They are fully grown now and have come of age, with incredible magical power if the reports are to be believed."
Present tense.

Keep to your tenses. Oddly enough, you seem to be consistent later in the prologue with this, but in the first few large paras you switch a few times.

 

[ngram]

Thank you! I really do appreciate that bit of information.

I just re-read it and noticed quite a few times I switched back and forth. I fear that this is something I may have done in all my chapters so far, so I will have to give them another look.

*edit*
As an aside to that, does switching tenses occasionally make for bad writing, or obstructing the flow, even if it still lets readers understand whats happening? Does it just scream 'Amateur' to others? I feel as though this is probably something I've been doing for awhile without realizing it, so I am going to be very conscious of it now.

 

[jinxs2011]

Thank you! I really do appreciate that bit of information.

I just re-read it and noticed quite a few times I switched back and forth. I fear that this is something I may have done in all my chapters so far, so I will have to give them another look.

*edit*
As an aside to that, does switching tenses occasionally make for bad writing, or obstructing the flow, even if it still lets readers understand whats happening? Does it just scream 'Amateur' to others? I feel as though this is probably something I've been doing for awhile without realizing it, so I am going to be very conscious of it now.

It's just something that can be annoying to readers. Sometimes people don't even notice it. I just kinda have an eagle eye for it because I often slip into past tense accidentally myself, and I'm used to double checking all my stuff to make sure I write it in the right tense.
I think some people just have a tense that their brain just defaults to. Not saying that you have to write in that tense (I'm not), but it's something to be aware of.

 

[Nakakure]

Thank you! I really do appreciate that bit of information.

I just re-read it and noticed quite a few times I switched back and forth. I fear that this is something I may have done in all my chapters so far, so I will have to give them another look.

*edit*
As an aside to that, does switching tenses occasionally make for bad writing, or obstructing the flow, even if it still lets readers understand whats happening? Does it just scream 'Amateur' to others? I feel as though this is probably something I've been doing for awhile without realizing it, so I am going to be very conscious of it now.

depnd on reader i guess, if the readers like me who not native english speaker, i tend to overlook it

 

[ngram]

I see, thank you very much for the responses both of you. I am just going to do my best to keep consistent from here on out. :)