Hi!
So I've been studying the first chapter. And there's a ton you do really well. You know how to concisely use language. You show instead of telling. You publish chapters with a high degree of polish. It actually took me a while to figure out what was missing, which is high praise. But I did figure out a few things that would help you with your story, since you wanted feedback. And I always spend more time on constructive criticism because I imagine that writers want feedback that will help them improve.
The first problem is that you don't quite show enough of some vital things. It takes probably over a dozen paragraphs for you to create any sort of setting for us to imagine. Which I get as part of "waking up" in a new world. But you're working in a third-person perspective. It seems like the narrator should be able to tell us at least a little about what we're seeing. But we stay mostly blind. When I continued through the chapter, I felt like the problem didn't improve much. I frequently felt blind to what was happening to the character, while knowing too much about how the character's body was feeling.
The next problem is pacing. Your sentences stay short. Your paragraphs are only a sentence long, more often than not. That works really well for pacing and emphasis when you have variation. Having a short paragraph between regular ones keeps everything fresh. But when it's the norm, with little variation, that effect is lost. It ends up reading as all long paragraphs, with too much space for my eyes to have to pass over between each sentence. Making everything feel like the same slow pace.
Next, I don't feel like I'm learning anything about who the protagonist is as a person. I love erotica. But even if this genre, it loses effect if I know more about the protag being turned on than ... literally anything about who she is. I don't think you need to exposit everything, and especially not all at once. But you let her see into her thoughts, anyways. Surely, she would be thinking more about how she feels about the situation. About the life she left behind. About her wants or fears or insecurities. (Not all necessary, just as possible ideas.)
Last, it feels like nothing happens in the chapter. I'm not being literal, she does listen and observe. But it never feels like there's a problem that the protag needs to solve. So she never performs a single action to push the story forward. She feels like ... just a confused (and thus confusing) camera into a sort of vignette in another world. Which, especially in a first chapter, doesn't function as an effective hook.
Anyways, I sincerely hope these tips help you.
Best of luck!
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