Hello I can give you some feedback for your first chapter. Most of my help is on the way you write so story wise I won't say much unless you want me to.
Ok so first of all the POV is in first person which changes the dynamics and writing style. You have to avoid writing in a way that looks like you're just stating things.
Your first paragraph starts this way. Your character states things. I did this, I did that period. Writing this way is boring. It does not engage the readers. Avoid just mentioning what the character does, you have to show this alongside the character's thought process.
So instead of writing
I'm ridding my company car to work. I overslept, but I'm not too late, and because I had to skip breakfast, I'm feeling hungry.
write it this way
Damn! I'm late! I glare at the car in front of me, as if staring would make this guy drive faster.
I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, AND THIS DAMN TRAFFIC AIN'T HELPING!
^ you insert the character's thoughts alongside his actions, his thoughts will show how he currently feels and the actions will illustrate what he is doing and what is going on. This gives you more characterization and also it isn't boring to read like a report of what the character does.
Next is how you describe the area. Ok illustrating a scene is harder when you write in first person (in my opinion) because you have to balance the character's inner dialogue with what he is seeing through his eyes. Putting too much description puts off the reader.
I'm crossing a very big bridge in the city that I work since I'm going to a meeting with a customer on the other side. A lot of traffic, but it's kind of normal, at this hour of the morning. The traffic is slow and considering that I'm the last on the line, I'm feeling lucky that at least it's moving
In this paragraph there are many things you could fix to make it shorter but deliver a more meaningful message.
For example the first sentence can be shortened to:
"I'm meeting with a regular of our company on the other side of this bridge."
Not too much detail and gives off the same meaning.
Your second and third sentences can be turned into a thought/feeling like so:
"I can't believe I got caught in rush hour.... well... at least the cars are moving. Albeit a little too slow for my taste."
^ it feels more natural since first person takes place within a person's mind and plus it's shorter but the connotation of this alone can show many things like his annoyance, what kind of traffic he's in, and an estimate of what time he is driving in.
You see you don't need to put a lot of detail because it would sound unnatural. You have to remember that first person POV takes place in the mind of one person. People don't usually think, "I finished my project for x so now I have to start with y and then after that I'm going to city b to finish project n." unless they are analyzing their current situation or listing to themselves the things they need to do.
When writing in first person take into consideration if that phrase is what people would normal think. Most of this dialogue occurs inside the protagonist's head. My tip is to read it out loud to yourself and if it sounds wrong then you probably need to fix something. Then for describing action its usually written like so "I (state action)" because when using "I'm" it usually sounds like you're just flat out telling someone on the phone what you're doing. Basically it sounds a bit detached, this gives less immersion to the character's mind.
The little girl with blonde curly hair and blue eyes was still looking at me, got up, and scream through the open window of the bus.
^ you've described the little girl already in an earlier paragraph no need to repeat the entire description. Plus the description has gone overboard. People have the tendency to skip a description that goes longer than 3 adjectives.
The
little girl with
blonde curly hair and
blue eyes.
^that's already 4 adjectives. It would be better if you spread out the description. For example on one paragraph I can mention her blonde and curly hair, then later on will I mention that she has blue eyes. Better to subtly add the description with an action so that the main attraction would be what the person does rather than what they look.
When looking at a person swing a golf club you notice first the fact that he is doing an action then you register his appearance. This also makes writing smoother so to not distract the reader with a bunch of detail that might end up being skipped because nothing happens in that paragraph.
Example:
The tall man with tan skin and short curly brown hair looked to the horizon, his obsidian eyes calculating the distance between him and the goal.
^ this has too much description, it's distracting.
He looked towards the horizon, his obsidian eyes calculating the distance between him and the goal.
He tied his curly hair back then crouched into a sprinter's position, waiting for the gunshot.
*BANG* he heard the gun and broke into a sprint.
^ this makes it easier to read the description as it is spaced out into several actions. If the detail feels forced when you add it in it might be better to remove it because the actions can hold on its own without the description in most cases.
I heard a noise coming from the back. A sound of something blowing up. I look through my rear mirror and I couldn't believe. A truck on the right lane, with the engine on fire, was on a straight curse with the school bus. The traffic in front of me and on the right lane, start to move. The school bus started to move. I reacted. My hands moved. My foot moved.
Here we have an action paragraph, there are some portions that were redundant and some others I couldn't understand on my first read.
First four sentences could be written like so:
"I heard an explosion from behind me, a truck veered off from my lane towards the right. Its engine was on fire, and the driver was most likely dead however the worst part was; it was headed straight for the school bus."
^ writing this way makes it easier to understand and I also used details to build tension. Too much detail will bore the reader rather than build the tension or excitement you want them to feel.
Next is the portion that is redundant. You mentioned that the character reacted, its nice that you placed how the character had reacted but placing them right next to each other makes the statement redundant. Plus you used move 3 times in succession, there's not much interval between them and makes it feel too repetitive.
I would write it this way:
"The cars in front had moved, the right lane was open and the cars were on a collision course. My hands turned the wheel, my foot on the accelerator, and I knew...
I can stop the truck."
^you understand better what's going on, I have only used moved once and the actions have more variety to them. Another thing is that spacing and punctuation marks create a certain pace to reading. Once you place a huge space in between paragraphs it signals a stop to an idea or can place more emphasis to the following words.
This spacing that we use creates a certain pace that the readers can follow and it also builds emotion and immersion to a certain level. The pace is also controlled by dialogue, details, and lines. So try not to place too far the dialogue from the other paragraphs.
Little girl - Are you going to do something?
This dialogue is a bit off. The little girl clearly sees him about to do something, from the reader's understanding the main protag is in the middle of an action already so it's better to place "What are you going to do?" rather than "Are you going to do something?"
Better yet as the character is in the middle of an action cut the character's dialogue as most of the time actions are faster than words. Example:
"What are-"
I pressed on the accelerator and drove to the right lane, blocking the collision course from the school bus. As the burning truck approached me I somehow felt it.
I'm going to die.
^ People won't normally say that they're going to die when they are in the moment near their death. Especially if they're alone and not talking to anyone. This usually remains as a thought to themselves. So try not to place that in a dialogue unless they are trying to tell someone else that they are going to die.
The entire second half of the story is composed of dialogue, ok fine. The thing is the pacing gets weird and the actions feel completely separate from the dialogue, what you did is
"dictate" to the readers what they're doing instead of
"showing"
Dialogues are also better accompanied by action and usually for better flow of conversation, one dialogue is followed by another that is on the next line.
To see what I'm talking about I'm going to rewrite some of your dialogue so you can compare.
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I closed my eyes waiting for the impact. But nothing came. I opened my eyes and blinked. Where am I? Where's the truck? Why is it so dark? That's weird... those are stars right?
Confusion took a hold of me and I turned around- WOAH! I'M FLOATING?!?!? WHAT?!
WHAT IS THAT?! WaIT I'm iN SpAcE? Why can I breathe????
The planet below me looked nothing like earth. It was a strange planed with foreign topography and two moons orbited the planet.
In my confusion, I almost missed the little girl from the bus who was sitting to my right, looking at me interestingly.
"Oh! Hey little lady! Strange to see you in this weird place." I grinned, she just continued to stare at me
"Oi... isn't this the part where you laugh and say "
You're funny mister" ?" I continued dispirited. "Oh well.... I hope that you and the other kids are ok, if you weren't then I wouldn't know what I did that stupid stunt for." I sighed.
I looked up to the sky, noticing the different constellations. "I really hope that I'm in a crazy dream right now." Her gaze turned gentle and she smiled.
"Don't worry, the kids are fine but I'm sorry. You aren't dreaming."
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In the first person we use the protagonist's thoughts a lot. It can be used to set up pacing and can also be used to show detail and describe location. Most of all inner thoughts describe to the reader the current mindset of the protagonist without needing to tell them explicitly that 'oh my protagonist is feeling disoriented'.
Take note of how you write dialogue, you need to balance it with action and description. The first portion of your writing is pure description or action then we switch to almost pure dialogue in the latter half. I know we're prone to doing these kind of things especially when we're new to writing so just keep a watch for this.
