Feedback for Trade Me

[Phantomheart]

Hullo! Phantomheart here and I come bearing a sacrificial lamb, aka, my novel Trade Me. Please feel free to rip it into pieces! I'm open for any feedback really, mainly because I want to improve in my writing. So please, feel free to go at it! A quick look is fine too, I'm just a bit desperate for feedback, whether it be in regards to style, voice, or grammar.

Story Description
In a world of infinite possibilities, where humans have super powers, where being a hero -- an actual costumed super-hero -- can be your day job, how much would it suck to be normal? Well, Kioku never planned to be normal per say, but life just dealt him a horrible hand. He was powerless, and in a society where power means everything, he became worthless. After being bullied for his entire school life, ignored by teachers and adults alike, he finds himself helpless and suffering under societal pressure, that is until his dear friend suggests that he just takes a "leap of faith" -- a sweet swan dive off the roof of their high school -- so he did, and he ended up comatose.

When he wakes up, he has a superpower, no, superpowers.

However, everything comes with a price... For power, he must give up his memories, every single moment of his life that he held in his head, all the wonderful times with his mother, all the poisonous thoughts; Kioku can get what he wanted... as long as he trades away his life.

Who knew that if you wanted to start a new life, you had to die?

Kioku never did.

Tags
Action Boys Love Drama Mature Psychological School Life Tragedy

The story's main focus is not romance, however there are slight elements of it scattered through the story as our protagonist discovers things about himself, as well as the fact that he is, well, gay. So, Boys Love tag here we are.

Note
This story is mature in rating because of adult themes and can be considered triggering. If you have had any experience with mental illness, struggled with mental health, or have had any suicidal idealizations, you have been warned.

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/29123/trade-me/

 

[JustHANO]

You should link the page here. I'll head over tho

 

[Phantomheart]

You should link the page here. I'll head over tho

Ah thanks. I don’t know how I missed that! Link is now added to the original post

 

[JustHANO]

Goddamn, these paragraphs are intimidating. I'm not one to knock formatting because if a story interests me enough, ill read it no matter the format. Some people *cough same ones who knocked mines cough* are real uppity about that. I feel just to bring in those viewers its best if you smack the enter button a few times.

The real problem with this is it's hard on the eyes in many different situations. Like re-looking through it trying to find the spot I want to critique is hard because it one big block of text. It's also harder to find a stopping point to digest the information. Lastly, it's just so weird that in the paragraphs there are easy to spot places where enter should have been pressed, but it wasn't.

Now the big problem I see, and it's so funny because I just saw something on this yesterday, are the 100 words sentences. I posted a snap of a quote like "there is a time and place for a 100-word sentence but a fast-paced action..." And said please someone find me a 100-word sentence. I think you got a few in here and its a problem.

The sentences are huge which I think plays a part in why the paragraphs are too. My problem with this is, when I'm reading I'm reading in a rhythm. A rhythm that sounds like realistic storytelling, trying to reach the period so I can digest the information I just read. With your run on sentences, there comes a point where I haven't reach a period and there's a lot of information to gain from the words, like,

. His mother, while her powers were weak, still had powers; his friends, or people who he oncethought were his friends, had powerful,powerful abilities that could change the world around him; but him, poor pitiful Kioku had nothing, and if there was one thing he could never forget, beyond the medication, beyond the sleeping pills that fogged his insomniatic mind, he would never forget that he waspowerless.

Just all the things to take in.

1 His mother has powers. 1.5 they're weak
2 his friends has have power. 2.5 oh wait they were his friends. 2.8 oh wait the powers are strong enough to change the world.
3 He never stop thinking about his powerless-ness
4 and he's on pills, 4.5 and sleeping pills and he'll never forget that.

I split them up into subsections and they're still an obscene amount of info to take in. I didn't even notice that the medication part was redundant(you have to specify what the medication is or sleeping pills fall into that category and it becomes repetitive) because I couldn't take in all that info. The pill thing is important about the character but seem less important when they're flooded in with more important info. And it's not like that sentence(i literally typed paragraph then stopped myself lol) is an outlier. The next sentence does the same thing but with a bit less info.

The most upsetting part is there are easy to spot points to put a period, just like the enter button for formatting.

I'm not even 1 chapter in but the story sounds interesting so I'll probably be back with more once i read a bit. Just had to say that before it slipped my mind.