Feedback for the Prologue and the first chapter of my story.

[Katako]

Hey there. I have this story about a daily life of two individual who sorta meet each other by accidents. I need some comments on how readers would think by that kind of entrance to a story. Note, this is a story that follows time, the story or the characters doesn't really have a goal in mind. They just live their on life.
Any critique is accepted but please be gentle, haha.

The Thoughts of A Firework

Oh, one more thing. How do you add your signatures?
Thanks.

 

[Zinless]

Hey there. I have this story about a daily life of two individual who sorta meet each other by accidents. I need some comments on how readers would think by that kind of entrance to a story. Note, this is a story that follows time, the story or the characters doesn't really have a goal in mind. They just live their on life.
Any critique is accepted but please be gentle, haha.

The Thoughts of A Firework

Grammar seems great! The descriptions are detailed, but I feel some of the dialogues are a bit stiff.

I replied, "I see, you are lost, please wait a moment. I will finish my work first".

"Studying? in a place like this? Ah, sorry for bothering you, I got lost while chasing this cat".

Here are some examples. But, it might just be me, take it with a grain of salt.

Oh, one more thing. How do you add your signatures?
Thanks.

Click your profile picture/name on the top right, you will see a drop down list of things you can click.

Press "Signature" and you can edit things from there.

Good luck with your story!

 

[Katako]

Grammar seems great! The descriptions are detailed, but I feel some of the dialogues are a bit stiff.



Here are some examples. But, it might just be me, take it with a grain of salt.


Click your profile picture/name on the top right, you will see a drop down list of things you can click.
View attachment 17993
Press "Signature" and you can edit things from there.

Good luck with your story!

Thanks for the reply. All of them are useful especially the signature one. For the dialogue, I'm thinking making it formal since they both literally just meet at a strange place. Any suggestion on how to do it without the weird feels?

 

[Zinless]

Thanks for the reply. All of them are useful especially the signature one. For the dialogue, I'm thinking making it formal since they both literally just meet at a strange place. Any suggestion on how to do it without the weird feels?

Formal would be the correct choice, but the way you written it is probably too formal.

I don't know how to make them feel less stiff, since I don't know how the characters should act. I suggest adding some casualness into the dialogue, no one speaks formally like that in real life unless they are a stuck up person.

Good luck with your story! I wish you the best!

 

[Katako]

Formal would be the correct choice, but the way you written it is probably too formal.

I don't know how to make them feel less stiff, since I don't know how the characters should act. I suggest adding some casualness into the dialogue, no one speaks formally like that in real life unless they are a stuck up person.

Good luck with your story! I wish you the best!

Thank you! I really appreciate it!

 

[M.G.Driver]

Quite good, the POV swap was a bit disorientating. Maybe would have worked better in third person, but otherwise I like it, very clean and smooth.

 

[Katako]

Quite good, the POV swap was a bit disorientating. Maybe would have worked better in third person, but otherwise I like it, very clean and smooth.

As I expected, it's confusing for the readers to change characters with first person perspective. Though, I insert the number like "1." and "2." to tell the readers the character has changed. Thanks for checking out anyway!