A fight between making a fight.

[Sylverius]

So, I've been having a big problem that I encountered pretty early on. As the title says, I've been having a fight with myself on how I can make fight seem not dull and empty, but a battle that every reader feels exciting.


God damnit. I'm injured, I'm about to collapse, and I even tried to be a hero saved Gran. Is this really me? No, I shouldn't think about that now. I need to fight this bastard first. Think, how am I gonna kill this thing? It's left eye is scarred, it has several past burns, its mouth is burned. What else? It can cast illusions using its right eye and it's at a disadvantage due to its left being blind. It can attack using its legs, and since it's nighttime, I'm having a hard time seeing it. If I keep using mana eyes, then I'll be able to see it, but...

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MP: 54->53/82

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I need to conserve mana if I want to beat it and stay conscious. My weapons? A small oval rock that's scorching hot and my magic. But, if I pull it off, I can easily kill it. But how can I bait it? My vision's blurring. I only have less than 5 minutes before I bleed out on my chest. If I move, I'll bleed harder. If I don't move, I'll die. What luck, but I have to try it. I collapse in a "Yamcha" fashion, with my right arm on top of my head. I turn off my magic.

The wolf, still cautious, prepares. No, is it gonna wait? Is it gonna wait till I bleed out? I look at the wolf, it's smiling. I stopped breathing. I could hear it, my heart getting slower and weaker. I close my eyes. I could hear its breathe, its growl. Its getting closer. The thump of its feet, the saliva dripping on my right arm, then on my face. Its growl deafens my ears. It opens its mouth.

CHANCE!

I close its mouth painfully and made it bite its loose tongue by using my left palm enhanced with mana and hitting the chin with all I have with it. With my right arm, I prepared the rock. Visualizing the movies I watched, I remembered star wars. Using it's lightsabers as an example, I chant.

"Empower my weapon so I can burn the sins of my foes! Enchant: Blade"

A condensation of mana formed into a small dagger with the stone as hilt. I stabbed the wolf on its left side. When I stabbed the brain, it stopped moving. I knew it was dead, and finally rested on my back.


So this is the whole scene. I know it's short, but it's the 4th chapter, and I wasn't mistaken when I wanted this first fight for it to be a short one. I've read many novels with fighting scenes, and their scenes made me imagine, it made my heart beat fast at what they're going to do. But this whole fight felt... Empty. I don't know if it's just me, so I went here and wanted to ask to confirm my suspicions. Because of this doubt, I decided to put the next chapter release on hold because the fight scene there is gonna be lengthy.

 

[Ai-chan]

So, I've been having a big problem that I encountered pretty early on. As the title says, I've been having a fight with myself on how I can make fight seem not dull and empty, but a battle that every reader feels exciting.


God damnit. I'm injured, I'm about to collapse, and I even tried to be a hero saved Gran. Is this really me? No, I shouldn't think about that now. I need to fight this bastard first. Think, how am I gonna kill this thing? It's left eye is scarred, it has several past burns, its mouth is burned. What else? It can cast illusions using its right eye and it's at a disadvantage due to its left being blind. It can attack using its legs, and since it's nighttime, I'm having a hard time seeing it. If I keep using mana eyes, then I'll be able to see it, but...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MP: 54->53/82

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to conserve mana if I want to beat it and stay conscious. My weapons? A small oval rock that's scorching hot and my magic. But, if I pull it off, I can easily kill it. But how can I bait it? My vision's blurring. I only have less than 5 minutes before I bleed out on my chest. If I move, I'll bleed harder. If I don't move, I'll die. What luck, but I have to try it. I collapse in a "Yamcha" fashion, with my right arm on top of my head. I turn off my magic.

The wolf, still cautious, prepares. No, is it gonna wait? Is it gonna wait till I bleed out? I look at the wolf, it's smiling. I stopped breathing. I could hear it, my heart getting slower and weaker. I close my eyes. I could hear its breathe, its growl. Its getting closer. The thump of its feet, the saliva dripping on my right arm, then on my face. Its growl deafens my ears. It opens its mouth.

CHANCE!

I close its mouth painfully and made it bite its loose tongue by using my left palm enhanced with mana and hitting the chin with all I have with it. With my right arm, I prepared the rock. Visualizing the movies I watched, I remembered star wars. Using it's lightsabers as an example, I chant.

"Empower my weapon so I can burn the sins of my foes! Enchant: Blade"

A condensation of mana formed into a small dagger with the stone as hilt. I stabbed the wolf on its left side. When I stabbed the brain, it stopped moving. I knew it was dead, and finally rested on my back.


So this is the whole scene. I know it's short, but it's the 4th chapter, and I wasn't mistaken when I wanted this first fight for it to be a short one. I've read many novels with fighting scenes, and their scenes made me imagine, it made my heart beat fast at what they're going to do. But this whole fight felt... Empty. I don't know if it's just me, so I went here and wanted to ask to confirm my suspicions. Because of this doubt, I decided to put the next chapter release on hold because the fight scene there is gonna be lengthy.

Ai-chan would like to point out that you seem to switch between present tense and past tense in your narration. Ai-chan guess that this is just a simple mistake and you'd fix it with proper editing. With that said, there are people who use present tense and past tense narration together and managed to make it work, but if you're just starting, you should pick one. Neither present tense nor past tense narration is wrong, it's just personal preference, so don't let people tell you that the narration you chose is wrong.

Looking at the snippet however, Ai-chan believes present tense narration would fit your style of writing more. You will need to make quite a lot of changes if you want to use past tense instead.

Here's how Ai-chan would edit your story. No, Ai-chan is not rewriting it, just make it work as a present tense narration. Ai-chan can't be bothered to do too much work.

So much blood, where is it coming from? My vision is getting blurry and my body is getting numb. This is bad. No, this is more than bad.

Why did I try to be a hero to save Gran? Is this really me? No, I shouldn't think about that now. I have to fight this bastard first. Think... how am I going to kill this thing? Its left eye is scarred, it has several past burns, its mouth is burned. What else?

This creature can cast illusions using its right eye and its blind left eye means it has a blind spot on its left side. Its legs can attack at a moment's notice, and since it's so dark, I'll have a hard time seeing it. If I keep using mana eyes, then I'll be able to see it, but...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MP: 54->53/82


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I need to conserve mana if I want to beat it and stay conscious. My weapons? A small oval rock that's scorching hot as well as my magic. But, if I pull it off, I can easily kill it. But how can I bait it?

Shit, my vision's getting blurry. I have maybe less than 5 minutes before the wound in my chest makes me to bleed to death. The more I move, the more I'll bleed. But if I don't move, I'll die. What luck, but I have to try it. I collapse in a "Yamcha" fashion, with my right arm on top of my head. I turn off my magic.


The wolf, still cautious, prepares its next moves. No, is it gonna wait? Is it planning to wait until I bleed out? I take a glance at the wolf and it is... smiling.

I stop breathing. I can hear it, my heart getting slower and weaker. Closing my eyes, I can hear its breaths, its growls. Its getting closer. The thump of its feet, the saliva dripping on my right arm, then on my face. Its growls deafen my ears. As the wolf is within arm's length of me, it opens its mouth.


CHANCE!


With everything I have, I hit its chin with my left palm enhanced with mana, forcing the mouth to close painfully. As the lower jaw hit the upper, it accidentally bites its own loose tongue. While the wolf is dazed from my sudden attack, I prepare the rock in my right hand. Visualizing the movies I watched in the past, I try to recall its iconic weapon. Using the lightsabers from Star Wars as reference, I chant.


"Empower my weapon so I can burn the sins of my foes! Enchant: Blade"


A condensation of mana forms into a small dagger with the stone as hilt. I raise the knife slightly above its head, then allows gravity to assist me as I stab the blade of light on the left side of its head. When the blade penetrates into its head, I twist the blade on its axis, scrambling its contents as I hope to deal more damage into it before it recovers. But before I deal another blow, its big and heavy body slumps down on top of me.

I worry that it is another attack, but it is not moving. Looking into the gaping hole on the side of its head, it is apparent that my stab managed to turn its brain into mush and caused its quick death. After all, who could live without a brain?

Feeling relief with the knowledge that the wolf is finally dead, my exhaustion takes over and I finally pass out on my back.

Well, Ai-chan ended up editing it. Meh. Be grateful to your queen.

 

[namio]

Ai-chan's edit is excellent, I feel. In terms of what exactly is a bit jarring with how you're doing it so far, though, I think it's the way things are described. It feels very... clinical? A lot of it are just following the character's thoughts, but it's not helping me any in terms of understanding where the character is, or what exactly CAN they do. You're leading the readers with how the character is thinking, which is good, but I think you can do with more descriptions of sights, sounds, sensations etc.

Everything is also only in the context of the MC doing something. It can work, if you write it right, but I'd really recommend adding more description of how the world reacts around them. Flesh out the world and you'll help flesh out your character in turn, because you're giving their actions and thoughts context.

A condensation of mana formed into a small dagger with the stone as hilt. I stabbed the wolf on its left side. When I stabbed the brain, it stopped moving. I knew it was dead, and finally rested on my back.

In this case, you're describing the wolf being stabbed in the head, but there's no real... bite, I suppose, to the action? Stab it and it's immediately dead. How so, it can be guessed, but it's another instance of show, don't tell. Not trying to encourage graphic fights, I guess, but in this case, you can, I don't know. The wolf's gotta have some reaction in its last moments, even if biological-- some things like jerking are biological processes, for example. Maybe it whined. Maybe it's just stunned. Regardless, right now, everything is just what MC does or thinks.

One last thing, I suppose, is you should try varying the sentences a bit more in terms of rhythm. This line is probably the best example:

I look at the wolf, it's smiling. I stopped breathing. I could hear it, my heart getting slower and weaker. I close my eyes. I could hear its breathe, its growl.

These all have very similar rhythms, and all starting with the same words only compounds that. For example, you can merge, split or expand sentences so that they have varying lengths.

I looked up at the wolf-- it was smiling. My breathing stopped. I could hear it: my heart beating slower and weaker. As my eyes closed, I could hear its breaths, its growls.

Most importantly, though, these things will develop as you write more and more fight scenes. Good luck!

 

[Sylverius]

Ai-chan would like to point out that you seem to switch between present tense and past tense in your narration. Ai-chan guess that this is just a simple mistake and you'd fix it with proper editing. With that said, there are people who use present tense and past tense narration together and managed to make it work, but if you're just starting, you should pick one. Neither present tense nor past tense narration is wrong, it's just personal preference, so don't let people tell you that the narration you chose is wrong.

Looking at the snippet however, Ai-chan believes present tense narration would fit your style of writing more. You will need to make quite a lot of changes if you want to use past tense instead.

Here's how Ai-chan would edit your story. No, Ai-chan is not rewriting it, just make it work as a present tense narration. Ai-chan can't be bothered to do too much work.




Well, Ai-chan ended up editing it. Meh. Be grateful to your queen.

Oh shit now that was what I was expecting. The weird thing was that when I read mine, it felt empty. But now that I read yours, I felt my heart beat from excitement. Now that was epic Ai-chan, hot damn.

 

[Sylverius]

In terms of what exactly is a bit jarring with how you're doing it so far, though, I think it's the way things are described. It feels very... clinical?

Yeah... It is clinical in my opinion too.

A lot of it are just following the character's thoughts, but it's not helping me any in terms of understanding where the character is, or what exactly CAN they do. You're leading the readers with how the character is thinking, which is good, but I think you can do with more descriptions of sights, sounds, sensations etc.

Yeah I had the same thought, but what I wanted was to switch out to 3rd person at times to better show their actions and then go back to 1st person to show their thoughts, but one of my friends thought that it would be very confusing so I stopped it, but I still think that I should've gone for it. Any suggestions?

Not trying to encourage graphic fights, I guess, but in this case, you can, I don't know.

Well, I guess I did the impossible hahaha

Most importantly, though, these things will develop as you write more and more fight scenes. Good luck!

Thanks! I'll keep your words in mind. For now though, I'll try to read more novels to be inspired at how the fight scenes work out.

 

[Ai-chan]

Oh shit now that was what I was expecting. The weird thing was that when I read mine, it felt empty. But now that I read yours, I felt my heart beat from excitement. Now that was epic Ai-chan, hot damn.

Thanks for the kind words.

Ai-chan thinks the reason why you found it hard to write the scene was because you found it hard to visualize the fight due to inexperience. Not really inexperience due to lacking writing experience, but the lack of practical real life application. In Ai-chan's case, Ai-chan went to train in shinai and naginata at a kenjutsu dojo to get practical real life experience in swordsplay in order to write Felicia's Second Life.

You don't have to do that, but you can do something similar. For example, in the first sequence, your character is about to pass out from losing blood through the wound in his chest. You can simply stand there with a plastic wrap covering your eyes to simulate your failing consciousness, then imagine the wolf is in front of you. Imagine what you would do in front of the wolf. It takes a bit of meditation and imagination, but if you can't go get a practical demonstration, that's probably the only thing you can do.

All the best.

 

[namio]

Once again, Ai-chan brings up a really important point that I completely forgot. Experience is important, but you can also tap into other experiences! What you want, after all, is the feeling-- you're trying to get other people to feel the same thing you're feeling. I have never been in a fight, but I've been in a (pretty minor, all things considered) motorcycle accident that I occasionally tap into for that ah, "the moment time slows down and you're in that second realizing oh SHIT, this is gonna HURT" headspace. In times when my character is going through a forest, I recall the time I went to a rainforest mountain for a hike and had to rush down over the course of the night. There was a small river there that was just nigh boiling hot, and I was wearing mountain sandals... Trying to cross a river on slippery rocks while your feet are submerged in really hot water at 2 AM while your glasses are sheet white from the steam is *rarely* directly an experience you can write down in a single scene, but you can disassemble it.

It reminds me of something multiple people mentioned to me, back when I wanted to be an author: don't go into writing. Major in anything BUT writing. What you're trying to write is the experience.

What Ai-chan suggested can really work real nice for experiencing that physical aspect of a fight, which you can complement with other things as well. A lot of adventure authors aren't exactly peak martial artists, after all, but I think they've gotten enough scattered experiences to construct a believable FEELING of danger.

Another thing you can do that's a step lesser than signing up for self defense for writing (which is what I'm trying to do... LOL) is watching videos of people who practice HEMA, MMA, etc I suppose? There are plenty of sparring videos, but there are also a number of videos talking about the techniques and explaining them. It will NOT directly translate to your writing immediately getting better, but sans direct experience it will at least expand how you think about fights: not just clash clash sword break but think in terms of the dynamics between two forces.

Yeah... It is clinical in my opinion too.

Yeah I had the same thought, but what I wanted was to switch out to 3rd person at times to better show their actions and then go back to 1st person to show their thoughts, but one of my friends thought that it would be very confusing so I stopped it, but I still think that I should've gone for it. Any suggestions?

Well, I guess I did the impossible hahaha

Thanks! I'll keep your words in mind. For now though, I'll try to read more novels to be inspired at how the fight scenes work out.

1st POV can be expanded a bit with descriptions that aren't directly the MC's direct observations, I think. This is especially important when the character's kind of half out of it. Maybe give it a try and run it by your friend? If it turns out to not be that confusing, I don't see why you shouldn't do it. Because really, while 1st POV fights are supposed to give you the sense of immediacy, if it's not playing to your strengths then you might as well tweak things a bit. After all, there's no hard rules on how to write fiction. Whatever works works LOL

I'm sorry this is really long. I hope any of this would be helpful. But most of all, I hope you keep writing! It'll be a bit of a rough journey, but I'm sure you'll get there. Best of luck!

 

[Sylverius]

1st POV can be expanded a bit with descriptions that aren't directly the MC's direct observations, I think. This is especially important when the character's kind of half out of it. Maybe give it a try and run it by your friend? If it turns out to not be that confusing, I don't see why you shouldn't do it. Because really, while 1st POV fights are supposed to give you the sense of immediacy, if it's not playing to your strengths then you might as well tweak things a bit. After all, there's no hard rules on how to write fiction. Whatever works works LOL

Fun fact: this is my (5th or 6th?) time reworking the story. It's mostly because of how I show what's currently happening. Here, let me show the one before I reworked it:


"If you're going to use mana, don't lose focus on your opponent!"

And you expect a 6 year old to know how to focus on both mana and their opponent when their opponent is a lot stronger than them?

"But dad, it's hard to do 2 things at a time when I haven't even gotten strong yet."

"That's why you shouldn't neglect your muscles! Again!"

Kuro's bad habit of getting angry was filling him.

Fine then, I'll end this in one shot.

Kuro's eyes became wide-open. Not blinking whatsoever, as if seeing everything in front of him. He held his sword with his right arm while his left arm was covered in mana. Doran became curious as to what happened and why he did that.

'He's full of openings... What's that stance?' (Doran in his mind)

Doran immediately swung his stick at Kuro with immense speed due to curiosity. With Kuro's right arm, he stabbed the ground as hard as he could while using his left arm, which released all the mana on his left arm explosively to propel himself and spin. He took that idea from an anime he watched, B*ku no H*ro. And with his left arm, still propelling with mana, he lowered his arm to raise himself off the ground. His left leg supported that blast and jumped, and with that force, he did a rotation, released his sword from the ground and swung his wooden sword at his father's head. With a small amount of mana, he created another explosion from his mouth which released a lot of smoke. He didn't get hurt that much as he was resistant to fire, even from within. That smoke covered his father's vision and couldn't have known about the incoming attack to the head. But...

Immediately, he saw his father's palms going after his right arm and face. That's when it was known he had lost. Of course, Kuro wouldn't go down without a fight. Using his free right leg, he launched a kick from the supposed blind spot, behind Doran's head. He removed the mana that covered his right leg, and instead he created a small explosion that could hopefully propel it some more.

Now then father, which one will you block? My mouth which can still bite or release fire? My sword? Or my leg?

This action was all done on 2 seconds. As expected, his father grabbed his face and right arm, but his kick connected.

"OOF!" (Doran)

"HMM HMM! HUMM HOO YU HAI HAT HUAN?" (HA HAA! How'd you like that one?)(Kuro)


This was before I changed the whole thing. All of this was before I even visited scribblehub, in which case, I was brute-forcing all of it in my notepad, and I didn't know how to make things such as developments and emotions, so they still felt stiff. Is it confusing or nah?

I'm sorry this is really long. I hope any of this would be helpful. But most of all, I hope you keep writing! It'll be a bit of a rough journey, but I'm sure you'll get there. Best of luck!

It's okay friend, type in as long as you want, I'm used to reading lots of paragraphs and sentences. Still, thanks for your tips and insights!