I love brain-creating monsters from 4.6 bil years of evolution:
"You dare to threaten me?" The creature on the screen said: "Do you know... the last creature that dared to threaten me is still alive and well? I couldn't bite it to death! I couldn't bite it to death--!!! So I'm going to bite you to death, bite you to death quickly!"
On the topic of dried tofu, wtf is with the recipe sites on Internet having literal life stories for half the page before the recipe? Like, bitch, I don't care about your mother or what you ate in childhood, just give me the damn recipe!
The best stories I've written are oneshots. Some I've written years ago can make me cry still and I wrote them! But I just can't complete long stories right off the bat.

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