Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
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Always remember that you’re unique...just like everyone else is.
If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
Eight hours of drinking is binge drinking, eight hours of TV is binge-watching, and eight hours of sleep is barely enough.
Most people aren't scared of being alone in the dark—they're scared of not being alone in the dark.
Your life can't fall apart if it was never really together in the first place.
In every Olympic event, they should have an average person compete so we can have a point of reference and appreciate the athletes more.
You may have once made a decision that saved your life without knowing it.
Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.
Most people pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
Every broken clock tells you the exact time it passed away.
Salt is the only rock that is socially acceptable to eat.
You've never actually seen a full movie because you're always blinking.
... My friend just walked into my room and humped me... I thought he was going in for a hug... ?
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