Looking for feed back
- Thread starter Tricky786
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FRWriter
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What kind of story is it? Is it a translation? Did you use AI to create it?
Give us some more info.
Ellie_in_Pink
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Okay, first, some good news. Your story is polished enough where the issues are a bit trickier to nail down. I don't know how much is AI-aided or to what degree. But fortunately for us all, I'm not the AI police. And if I am, someone had better send me a badge and a hat. Otherwise, I'm just going to assume you actually did just use it for proofreading.
First issue, your paragraphs. Like a lot of writers here, you seem afraid of a proper 5-sentence paragraph. The issue always ends up being that, without them, the entire chapter starts to look like one big, uninterrupted paragraph with a LOT of white space in between. Meaning, instead of your pace being faster, it starts to feel SUPER slow. Save the one-line paragraphs for dialogue and sentences you REALLY want to create emphasis for, for dramatic effect.
Got it?
(See? Like what I just did up there?) Also, please use dialogue tags. Yes, in the same line as when the character speaks.
"Like this, see?" Ellie said, trying with all her might to convince just one person that the word 'said' was not indeed a naughty one that would send you to writer-hell.
Okay, next point. Narrative voice. You don't seem comfortable with one yet, so you jump all over the place. So you end up having a god-narrator hovering over the lands, telling a mythical story, one minute. And the next minute, the camera is shoved right into the point of view of a character. Then we're so close we can see their thoughts. At least until you need to drop more exposition, at which point, god starts speaking again. The effect for the reader basically feels like a camera doing pan-in and zoom-out shots, over and over. It's both dizzying and confusing. Which is all solved if you just stick with one narrative style and take your time with establishing shots.
Speaking of exposition ... you have 99% too much. And that includes the old guy tell his story. The reason you want to avoid exposition, especially in your first chapter, is because you haven't hooked us yet. You need to show us enough (without telling us) about a character before we'll care enough about them to remember any of it. Same for the plot, same for the world. We need to care BEFORE we learn. And when you do the opposite, we just stop paying attention.
Fix up your paragraphs, focus your narrative voice, cut exposition.
If you focus on those three things, your story will be SO much better. And then, people will be able to focus on the plot enough to give you feedback on it, instead of feeling stuck on the details.
Best of luck!
First issue, your paragraphs. Like a lot of writers here, you seem afraid of a proper 5-sentence paragraph. The issue always ends up being that, without them, the entire chapter starts to look like one big, uninterrupted paragraph with a LOT of white space in between. Meaning, instead of your pace being faster, it starts to feel SUPER slow. Save the one-line paragraphs for dialogue and sentences you REALLY want to create emphasis for, for dramatic effect.
Got it?
(See? Like what I just did up there?) Also, please use dialogue tags. Yes, in the same line as when the character speaks.
"Like this, see?" Ellie said, trying with all her might to convince just one person that the word 'said' was not indeed a naughty one that would send you to writer-hell.
Okay, next point. Narrative voice. You don't seem comfortable with one yet, so you jump all over the place. So you end up having a god-narrator hovering over the lands, telling a mythical story, one minute. And the next minute, the camera is shoved right into the point of view of a character. Then we're so close we can see their thoughts. At least until you need to drop more exposition, at which point, god starts speaking again. The effect for the reader basically feels like a camera doing pan-in and zoom-out shots, over and over. It's both dizzying and confusing. Which is all solved if you just stick with one narrative style and take your time with establishing shots.
Speaking of exposition ... you have 99% too much. And that includes the old guy tell his story. The reason you want to avoid exposition, especially in your first chapter, is because you haven't hooked us yet. You need to show us enough (without telling us) about a character before we'll care enough about them to remember any of it. Same for the plot, same for the world. We need to care BEFORE we learn. And when you do the opposite, we just stop paying attention.
Fix up your paragraphs, focus your narrative voice, cut exposition.
If you focus on those three things, your story will be SO much better. And then, people will be able to focus on the plot enough to give you feedback on it, instead of feeling stuck on the details.
Best of luck!