As a new writer and non-English speaker, I’d love to know how my story is going and how I can improve it
Laughter is a performance. Fear is a currency. And Jack has learned how to profit from both. Waking up on the Starlight Continent—a world where Awakeners maintain a fragile peace against unseen horrors—Jack receives something far stranger than magic or steel: The Clown System. His strength does...
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Well, first, let's point out things you did do right. Your cover art is good, and you have a lot of tags, which means your story is findable, that's good.
The bad things? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you're using machine translation and copy and pasting. Because it shows in how your story flows.
Your story sounds like it's good, like it's interesting. A Clown system in horror? Cliche, but a classic. Sign me up.
The issue comes with actually reading your story. You've written down one sentence per line. An issue in writing in english is that this easily causes disjointed thoughts. And this is probably what's bringing your viewership down.
There'll probably be someone soon who can bear with your writing style and talk about the plot. But right now, I have trouble even reading the story. The little I could get through without succumbing to my ADHD was interesting at the least, just some notes since Jack is supposed to be american.
One, apologizing like the doctor did isn't an American thing. So it'd be really weird to see in America. Instead, the doctor would hand the envelope over while talking around the issue, but to apologize would imply fault, and thus open the doctor, (or in this case the nephew) to be sued. An alternative is to have the doctor 'settle'. This basically means Jack would sign an agreement that he gets money, and he can't sue for damages because he's already gotten compensated. Basically, Jack would find the doctor's attitude weird for America.
The second is also related to the doctor. In America, hospitals aren't run by the doctors. Instead, doctors are just another worker there. It's incredibly difficult to get a patient in if they don't sign in first, unless you go to the ER. (emergency room) Where serious trauma is taken care of, and is open 24/7. In fact, no worker at a hospital would have enough clout to cancel their appointments to see the patient like in your story, unless it was a very rural clinic that was privately owned.
So waking up in a hospital, having a doctor handwave the fee would cause instant disbelief, because doctors make a lot, but not that much. American healthcare is expensive, and most of it is paid by, also expensive, insurance. And in this case, Jack would expect to be paid by the nephew's Insurance company.
Being hospitalized in America sucks, and generally means you'll be in debt.
