New author looking for feedback on first writing attempt

• Characterization
• World building
• System functionalization
• Pacing
• Scenery/Imagery
• Plot/Theme
• What you don't like/What you do like
• Would you continue to read this if it continued in its current iteration
• If you have any other feedback not specified previously, mark it as such and continue

Jay_Nyctbloom said:

Hello to anyone who may pass by this. I am an amateur writer who decided to start because story crafting DND was too much fun for a weekly session. I've been on the readers' side of manga, web novels, and light novels for almost 10 years at this point. Due to the lack of any large mainstream succubus titles, I brought it upon myself to make something in the genre. Now I know what people think when they see succubus: Smut, porn, sex-focused. I want to subvert the genre with a well written character story in a vibrant world that can immerse the reader, while also having some sex here and there . My friend group is quite small, so those who are willing to read this story are few and far between. That's where you guys come in! I'd like to hear your opinions on my story, what it does well, and what it doesn't. The story is written as a LitRPG. One thing I am considering changing is paragraph spacing. As a reader, I abhor line-by-line reading, and it translates into my writing, so be prepared for chunky paragraphs. If it doesn't fit the style of the format I'm writing for, I will change it; I just need to know if it doesn't.

Mainly, I'm looking for feedback on these areas:

• Characterization
• World building
• System functionalization
• Pacing
• Scenery/Imagery
• Plot/Theme
• What you don't like/What you do like
• Would you continue to read this if it continued in its current iteration
• If you have any other feedback not specified previously, mark it as such and continue

If you can comment on one section but not another, I still want to hear what you have to say. As I said, this is my first linear story, so comments of any variety are helpful.

For those who want to read the first chapter to test the waters, here you go: Click me!
I currently have 8 chapters as of creating this post, so those who want to read deeper and leave more in depth comments here's the link https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2219289/succubus-training/

Thank you for taking the time to click on my forum and help a newbie out!

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Daeron said:

To be honest I was impressed by how well you write this story based on chapter 1.
For me the pace is perfect, and you narrate Sophia's POV really well. I could picturing the ambience and Sophia's thoughts perfectly.

There's a little hiccup after this line :

"She thought back while watching the soul. Sophia’s journey in her own world replaying in her mind. She didn’t care for much of it...

....Eliza leaned forward slightly, anticipating Sophia’s answer."

The POV suddenly shifted to omniscient third POV then return back to first POV afterwards.

Maybe you should use (***) to separate sudden POV shift. Since i noticed that you made chapter 7 as Eliza POV, so i assumed that you want strictly stay with first POV.

Despite that, the plot is interesting and the imagery delivered perfectly.

And I think fan of LitRPG and smut genre will definitely hooked by your first chapter.

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